Posts

Decade, The Last Ten Years

-
Did you know that's the name of my ex-husbands book?  He'd begun writing and compiling poems around the age of 17 with the specific intent to publish them someday.  He was able to snag an independent publisher right around the time I got out of the military and had a few hundred copies put out into the world.  Since we met at 21 I was a common theme in some of the poems, either myself or life in general.  Teen angst turned young adult passion.  It was nice to know he dedicated that work to a woman I had no idea he was seeing during and after my enlistment. A decade ago I was reeling.  I don't remember Christmas that year...I have a vague vision of a tree in the house and I think by that point a former friend and her son had moved in with my daughter and me.  I don't remember how I/we celebrated...I have no idea if I went up north to be with my family, but that seems like the logical assumption.  I only remember feelings.  Dread.  Loneliness.  Sadness.  Hurt.  Anger. 
Post a Comment
Read more

Peace

-
For the first time in longer than I can remember...I haven't had to sit and beg God for peace.  So many nights I pleaded to find a sense of peace somewhere in my life. That is a feeling I never thought I'd find, I just assumed I was flawed and I would fight that forever. This hasn't been an easy transition.  The house we are trying to leave has fought tooth and nail to remain in our lives.  While I was laying down some needed flooring a while back I remembered back to the very first time I ever visited there.  Way before there was a relationship...way before we were even a thought together.  "I will never live in that house"  Jokes on me because I lived there for almost 10 years.  It sheltered children, harbored some fights and some tears.  It tried to catch on fire twice, the roof gave up and leaked like a sieve for months.  Pets, children, jobs.....life.  It does not want to let that go. We try to personify inanimate objects because that's how we can rel
Post a Comment
Read more

Un Conditional Love

-
I'm not convinced that unconditional love exists, not in the way it's portrayed anyway.  If you were to ask someone their definition you'll probably hear something to the effect of, "love that has no limits, no boundaries, only forgiveness."  Parts of our society teach that love is transactional and there are many people who not only believe it but live that way.   Question:  if a person has become a burden on a family, their local system, just generally a drain on society, is it right for another person to say, "I've had enough, I need to get myself on track and stop putting you and your mistakes above me."   There's a common idea that the one who's needing to get away from what becomes a toxic environment is selfish or wrong for feeling that way.  One half of their peers will tell them, "good, you have to take care of you and yours first" while another half is remarking on the epic selfishness of that decision.  They swing
Post a Comment
Read more

A Pound of Flesh

-
So I bought a farm. Like, a for real working horse ranch.  It wasn't planned, the deal just happened to present itself and was too good to pass up.  I jumped on it like I tend to do, all four feet, all at once. Honey was feeling more cautious about it but he could see all the potential.  After some careful negotiation and some liquidation on our part, we dove in. There's a massive part of me that wants to quantify everything I want to say...but I need to just put this out there without the justifications and explanations. A few weeks back I witnessed a bit of family reality.  One of Honey's quarter horses was ill and we didn't know.  We'd bought feed about a month prior and didn't really notice that she was in a declined state.  She seemed lean but not unhealthy.  Fast forward to his father coming to him angry and disgusted believing that the horses were not being properly fed.  We go out to the field to discover that she was in very bad shape.  After a co
Post a Comment
Read more

New Year, New M.E.

-
Image
Tee hee, you saw what I did there right?  People hate that little phrase, usually because those who throw it around change for about a week and then go right back to nachos and beer. I'm not talking about dieting or making lists of intentions...we're about to embark on a little something, an actual something, not an attempt.  If 2016 was the abusive year, and 2017 was the pick up the pieces year, 2018 must have been labor pains because things got crazy for a lot of people there at the end.  There are a lot of  folks going through a major shift right now and we are in that group.  I can't say too much about it at the moment and it's killing me not to say anything at all.  A lifelong dream and ultimate retirement plan is lining up and I am so ready I can't even see straight. There's a point when you've had so many curve balls thrown at you that you just stop ducking...no you lay down and stay low until you think it's safe.  And even then you don't
Post a Comment
Read more

Detrimental Mediocrity

-
I Googled this because I was curious to see if it was really a thing.  Apparently it is!  But each link on the first page referenced employment in some manner or life in general.   What if a person doesn't have a mediocre life but does mediocre things for others?  When treating themselves they buy tickets to their favorite sports game or explore a new restaurant on a regular basis.  They take full advantage of anything that makes them feel happy and fulfilled.  That's what they will do for themselves. For those around them, on the other hand... "Well I did the best I could!"   Really?  Did you?  Did you really do the very best thing you could do?  Did you sacrifice a little of what you do for yourself to give a little more than the bare minimum?  If the answer is anything but a verifiable 'Yes', then they are practicing detrimental mediocrity.  I say detrimental because it will end up having that kind of effect.  Friends, and sometimes family, are dropp
Post a Comment
Read more

Normal is Relative

-
Some days there just isn't enough coffee.  But there may be red lipstick and appetizers later.   Apparently I'm not supposed to be venting in a "public" blog.  Ya know because those I write about might catch wind of it.  oooooo. Bad Liz, bad bad.  I'm not supposed to air the perceived transgressions of my ex, or fuss about things in life that get under my skin.  Well, I suppose maybe I'm allowed just as long as it's only to an approved source that will keep any frustrations to themselves.  Or maybe I'm supposed to continue to play my role as kicked puppy and not say anything, ever, in any capacity.   Meh.  Either way, those latter things aren't going to happen.  Getting all this crap out of my head has been therapeutic in it's own little way, I never should have slowed down.  If anyone gets referenced, inadvertently or otherwise, and takes offense, so be it.  This is my brain spillage, this is my perception of life thus far, other people have
Post a Comment
Read more