MUSINGS

Tee hee, you saw what I did there right?  People hate that little phrase, usually because those who throw it around change for about a week and then go right back to nachos and beer. I'm not talking about dieting or making lists of intentions...we're about to embark on a little something, an actual something, not an attempt.  If 2016 was the abusive year, and 2017 was the pick up the pieces year, 2018 must have been labor pains because things got crazy for a lot of people there at the end.  There are a lot of  folks going through a major shift right now and we are in that group.  I can't say too much about it at the moment and it's killing me not to say anything at all.  A lifelong dream and ultimate retirement plan is lining up and I am so ready I can't even see straight. There's a point when you've had so many curve balls thrown at you that you just stop ducking...no you lay down and stay low until you think it's safe.  And even then you don't ...

Public school is getting started everywhere and university will be right behind it later this month.  My Girl will be headed to her own dwelling in a few days....another bird out of the nest.  While I am worried about her, I know she'll be OK.  She's got a strong foundation and a safety net should she ever need it.  I believe in her need to be an individual and try to do life on her own terms, I can't begrudge anyone their independence.  Honey asked me the other night if her father knew she was moving out..I told him I have no idea.  She doesn't talk about him at all these days, he's just a passing thought.  I know they keep in contact, he sent her a magical $50 gift card for school stuff.  Yeah I know, that's petty.  It's not the gift it's the consideration.  Screw that.  She's headed to university where she will be in charge of her own everything....life is not cheap.  You want to help?  Offer to pay her car insuranc...

I'm graduating college. I'm finally graduating college. I'm graduating from university. In 8 days, I will be a college graduate. Sorry, I'm still trying to convince myself that this isn't a wild, Percocet induced dream.  My one and only daughter will also be graduating this month, one week after me.  She has fought one hell of a battle the last year and a half, she's done an amazing job.  My little family has been through trial after trial the last couple of years.  Dark shadows clawing at the health of my husband, my child, and perhaps even myself.  The strain on our home has been overwhelming, but we still have a house and we still have our vehicles and we still have food.  And for now, we still have a place to work.  We all got this far, we'll continue to fight until the shadows abate. I still feel strange doing this at 40.  I know there are a lot of people proud of me for returning and finishing, it's not something everyone gets to a...

Have you ever felt like you were drowning?  Yeah.  Sometimes it's like that.  Your breath leaves you momentarily, your vision gets a bit blurry, you may even feel a slight tingle in your hands and feet.  The good thing about that feeling outside the water is that you do eventually catch your breath.  You reset and go on about your business.   I will (hopefully) graduate college in just a couple of months.  Before that I will have artwork in the student gallery for people to see.  Needless to say I'm horribly nervous and a bit worried that my work will be acceptable and ready in time.  You might think that art is any easy thing to throw out into the world, but that's not true.  There is a massive line between fine/high art and craft art.  Neither one is better than the other, it's simply a difference in audience.  My audience is a fairly demanding one.   In the midst of classes where I learn or hone techniq...

continuing on.... Concepts aside...Going from one lifestyle into another one is weird.  I've mentioned before that I'm  not exactly sure where I fit these days, that particular moment was in regard to my age.  That unsteadiness also applies to where I am in my lifestyle.  I've somewhat gotten past the feeling of boorishness when I'm around my instructors or chronological peers, I still don't feel quite "there" yet with them though. It's a biological and societal norm to run with those who are similar to yourself:  e.g., office ladies do lunch, teachers congregate, etc.  Looking deeper into that, lets say business in your particular area is high end:  brokers, attorneys, building management...those are the people who will mingle, lawyers will marry other lawyers, or perhaps a doctor...we tend to bond with those we are most similar.  So it's no weird thing to see art teachers with other artists, teachers, or writers...creators in some form or fa...

It's been a roller coaster year, a few ups, some downs, some sad, some happy.  All in all, in spite of some of the sad moments, it was really good. I ran into a few struggles that I didn't see coming, apparently I'm not super woman after all! With all my friends around me having new children I'm slipping gracefully into that part of my life being completely over.  Some mothers are celebrating firsts and others are taking on numbers 2, 3, and 5.  Having some tests run confirmed suspicions that my own hormone levels have taken their dive a little earlier than most are accustomed to, that explains some of the ragey moments over the last year plus.  It's surreal for me.  Don't get me wrong I have NO desire for more children.  Especially not a tiny one.  It's nice being the mom and step mom of individuals who are self sufficient and capable.  I like having time to do what I'd like to do and people with whom to chat that can be articulate.  But ...

Wow.  First week of school down.  First test in each class down.  I truly never thought I'd be back there.   It's surreal, walking those sidewalks, seeing the old buildings mixed with the new ones.  The library is laid out differently; the student union is under construction; the students are mostly younger than me. I had one good panic attack the day before I started classes.  I wasn't excited, I wasn't peppy, I was terrified.  I had that all too familiar feeling of everything spinning out of my control, spiraling downward into a pit of disaster.  It didn't help that my birthday was looming just 4 days after the first day of school. Out of college for 15 years, out of high school for 19, didn't do great in college the first time around!  Why on Gaia's green Earth did I ever think I could return to University and actually....do something?  Is it because it's paid for?  Am I trying to prove something?  If so, to whom?  Wh...

OK, so you know how a while back I said this year would be as good as I can make it?  Having remarried and found some much needed stability?  Weeeellll.  It looks like things are coming together more than I ever expected. I registered, paid my admin fee, and was accepted back into the University that I quit so many years ago.  I am also eligible for school funds through the Veteran's Administration. I think I'm in shock.  No.  I know I'm in shock. You see I wasn't looking to go back into a degree plan.  I just wanted to take a couple of classes on metal working...nothing fancy.  Those classes, however, are offered as part of a curriculum, therefore are the standard rate if taken alone.  There is no way I could afford a $750 class, much less three of them.  After some panic and some tears, I began to look over the university website and found a link for veterans.  I perused and found a link to a GI bill that I never knew existe...

I think 2013 has been good....it had to be right?  Business is picking up, the kids are healthy, neither house has fallen in on itself, the bills are paid, the trucks run.... I think everyone sets themselves up to try to make major changes from one year to the next.  Each New Years is like a new slate, clean and fresh, ready for new beginnings.  Everyone wants to put away that one bad habit they just can't kick or take up something new they always wanted to try.  Still others are searching for that peace:  the end to that bad relationship, the release of toxic people or ideas, or perhaps simply to clarify their own mind and inner daemons.  I am by no means immune to any of this.  Each year starts off with the classic, "I will lose weight".  There was one year that I did it, I maintained my figure and was satisfied with the image in the mirror.  I will be there again.  Apologies in advance if any of my posts are riddled with fitness mot...

Friendship. Loyalty. Willful ignorance. Betrayal. Disassociation. What do all these words have in common? They all refer to a stage in a relationship. Some friendships are made to last, withstand anything and everything. Others are made to last just long enough for either or both parties to glean what they need and move on. The problem is how the split happens before the moving on. There are a few classic ways a friendship can crash and burn. Sadly, none of these are confined to high school. This is real and prevalent in adult society. You've got the “you slept with/stole my significant other, go to hell” This one is pretty straight forward, there was a blatant betrayal whether the friend was seduced by the significant other and caved or whether there was a willful act by both parties. Every now and then the friendship can be salvaged i.e. the bros before hoes/chicks before dicks clause. It is never quite the same afterward though. ...

Today was a George Thorogood kind of day.  We have some new folks at work these days, they hail from different walks of life as most crews do.  I have been working with men of various backgrounds for years, occasionally I come across the random uber-conservative one.  Now, I have nothing against conservative folks, some of my best friends are conservative both socially and politically.  I've run into flat out misogynists, men who LOVE women, ones who tolerate them, ones who are afraid of them, and ones who just think chicks are fun!  Anytime I think I have one pegged or have a bead on him, he surprises me.  I had that happen just today. I have this bumper sticker on the back end of my truck that says COEXIST in religious symbols from around the globe.  Well the only one I could find when I bought it had Obama's little flaggy circle thingy instead of the peace symbol.  Well, I'm not a supporter but, I do believe that we need to learn to live ...

I love people watching.  I used to go sit in the food court at the mall to do just that, of course that was before anxiety took it's toll.  I still love going to the grocery store just to walk the aisles and see folks in their natural state.  I like to take in reactions to me depending on what I'm wearing (i.e. tattoo's showing or not), or perhaps to whatever vibes I'm giving off at the time.  I love the mish-mash of faces and children and well, everything. Our dryer crapped out a few weeks ago, and right now it's not a priority on the list.  It's not the end of the world, but it's inconvenient from time to time.  Neither of us has had to deal with laundry rooms in some years so we're sort of revisiting a bit of our past.  I only go when I have a load or two of small things to dry to save time and hangers.  We don't have room for a clothes line here, if we put it in the back yard the dogs will have a field day with our knickers, and the sid...

It seems I've embarked on a spiritual quest as well a life one.  My last post was a much needed purging of emotion and pent up issues.  I'm a firm believer in facing the fear or the deamon in order to conquer it.  I use the term deamon not so much in a literal biblical sense, but the idea that we all have a fear, a hangup, a something that plagues us.  Until we face it head on- jump in that 8 foot pool, climb that 10 foot ladder, step inside that airplane- we will never get rid of it.  Depending on how firm a grip that deamon has, a body can come back from that fight a new person.  In my particular case, with that particular deamon, it made me calm again.  I've been fighting for years to maintain an inner peace.  As a child I was basically Pollyanna, always upbeat.  I'm still that way to a degree, I try very hard to find the positive side of almost anything.  For the last few years that has fallen away and...

I had another one of "those days" at work today.  It wasn't a bad day, but it was an eye opener.  I already know I'm tired of the type of work I do, but the problem is I'm too afraid to make that giant leap to do something totally different.  I live in fear that my business endeavor isn't going to go anywhere.  I do understand that it takes a lot of time and I need to build up a clientele, but I'm impatient I suppose.  I figure, it's been a year I should be somewhat further along than I am.  Perhaps if I look at what I have done...it'll make me not so aware of what I haven't... a.  I have an informational website and a link to a web store with product b.  I actually have product to sell and more to be made c.  I've actually sold a few things d.  I have a few friends who enjoy what I make e.  It is a legal entity....I have a federal ID number I'm going to start including samples with outgoing sales, and hopefully once ev...