MUSINGS

So I bought a farm. Like, a for real working horse ranch.  It wasn't planned, the deal just happened to present itself and was too good to pass up.  I jumped on it like I tend to do, all four feet, all at once. Honey was feeling more cautious about it but he could see all the potential.  After some careful negotiation and some liquidation on our part, we dove in. There's a massive part of me that wants to quantify everything I want to say...but I need to just put this out there without the justifications and explanations. A few weeks back I witnessed a bit of family reality.  One of Honey's quarter horses was ill and we didn't know.  We'd bought feed about a month prior and didn't really notice that she was in a declined state.  She seemed lean but not unhealthy.  Fast forward to his father coming to him angry and disgusted believing that the horses were not being properly fed.  We go out to the field to discover that she was in very bad sha...

I've been trying to 5 months to get this written out.  I've erased.  Deleted.  Changed text and title repeatedly.  I don't know where to start or what to say.  Do I mention that I didn't color my hair for the first 3 months of the year?  It was natural walking into this year?  Like a rebirth?  Do I mention that this semester of school was neither good nor bad...it was just, there?  Do I mention that the trials so far have been rough but manageable? We are indeed in a time of change.  The world itself and in my own little home.  Without going into too many personal details, our household has been hit with some major medical whirlwinds in the last 9-10 months.  My sweet Girl has a definitive reason for her tiny-ness, she will need medical monitoring for the rest of her life.  Honey has followed suit with some common but life changing ailments of his own.  Like I said, rough but manageable.  Getting into my own cr...

I know I'm off my game quite a bit.  I used to post every month, usually twice therein.  I'd like to use the excuse that school and grief have really taken me down but that's not entirely true.  Yes grief did play a roll.  When my dad passed away I found a little hole in my soul that I had to take a minute to let heal.  Art school is demanding, I'm not even going to pretend it's not, but it doesn't permeate everything and I did take this summer off.  Truth be told I've had a hard time putting it all out there these days.   This was my outlet...my place to lay it all down.  In the beginning I didn't think I had more viewers than a couple friends who basically already knew I'm a headcase.  I noticed over time that I had a few more than that.  It didn't bug me...it's kind of like going to Catholic confession...as long as you don't see who you're spilling it to, it's OK.  I was good till one of my friends called me out because I m...

Holy crap it's been a long while.  I guess I lost my mojo somewhere back there and didn't pick it back up.  How ya'll?  I'm doing alright I suppose, stress and life beside. The daily:  helping Honey keep his business alive...trying like hell to get mine going...trying to keep the dogs from killing each other...gently pushing my child out of the nest and her comfort zone.  Yeah. that's about it these days.  Oh yeah, and school.  Well....I made a 3.75 this semester.  The first time ever in college that I've done that.  It shocked me quite a bit.  While I may not be accustomed to failing, neither am I accustomed to passing with such a high mark.  I was a solid B student in high school (mostly out of choice) and during my first round in college I was basically a solid failure...again...mostly by choice.  When you use college as an escape route, the grades tend to be an afterthought.  As far as art goes, there is a smidge of ...

It's been a roller coaster year, a few ups, some downs, some sad, some happy.  All in all, in spite of some of the sad moments, it was really good. I ran into a few struggles that I didn't see coming, apparently I'm not super woman after all! With all my friends around me having new children I'm slipping gracefully into that part of my life being completely over.  Some mothers are celebrating firsts and others are taking on numbers 2, 3, and 5.  Having some tests run confirmed suspicions that my own hormone levels have taken their dive a little earlier than most are accustomed to, that explains some of the ragey moments over the last year plus.  It's surreal for me.  Don't get me wrong I have NO desire for more children.  Especially not a tiny one.  It's nice being the mom and step mom of individuals who are self sufficient and capable.  I like having time to do what I'd like to do and people with whom to chat that can be articulate.  But ...

So.  Back to the courthouse today.  Yet another contempt and another Judge Advocate to hand out mediation.  The excuses flew...the "I did the best I could" was reiterated...it went as well as could be expected.  My daughter won. I can't say that I have a victorious feeling, I find the whole situation pathetic.  I never thought we'd be here once much less three times.  Never though he'd walk away from her so completely and stay so disconnected.  It's disheartening to have to force someone to act in a manner that is second nature to others in their position. It hit me the other day I've spent every year in that mans life fighting not to be cast as "that woman".  Back in the day it was to not be the wife who didn't put out enough or was boring or too spendy.  I was always terrified of being the subject of the manly chat, ya'll know the one..."yeah my old lady won't do xyz unless it's my birthday!"  "Oh yeah, well at ...

It came...and it went.  It wasn't bad, we went camping for the weekend at a nice little state park not far from where we live.  I came away with a few bug bites, a new gnome for my flowers, and a cute wine glass to replace my favored one that I accidentally broke. For some weird reason I dreaded that holiday this year.  I wasn't looking forward to it...at all.  The topic of growing older/aging/maturing has come up in a couple different conversations with different people lately.  As you start moving up in years you begin to look backwards at either what you've done or what you've witnessed.  Our examples of who to be usually start with whomever had a hand in raising us.  I know that I'm like my mother.  I don't trust easily, I don't allow myself to get close to people, I'm very very cautious.  One of the biggest differences between us is how my relationship is with my own child.  We are nothing like my mother and I were at this same mo...

This is a fabulous article I just couldn't resist re-posting.  Originating at HomeSchoolers Anonymous , this gem truly is priceless.  While their aim is at a specific type of man, I know many many others who fit this mold.  Grab a drink, sit back, and have a chuckle, it's worth it! 10 THINGS YOUR [EX]FUNDY ALMOST-EX HUSBAND WILL DO DURING YOUR DIVORCE February 19, 2015 ·   by  R.L. Stollar ·  in  Homeschool ,  Marriage . · The following post was submitted to HA by an anonymous contributor. . 1) Pretend nothing is wrong when you tell him things aren’t working until you start making changes to make yourself happier and saner. And then he’ll snap. . 2) When you suggest finding a therapist, he’ll tell you you don’t need meds and suggest that maybe you should try talking to your pastor instead. . 3) Finally starts listening to things you’ve been saying for months, and abruptly co-opts feminist lingo and tells you that y...

As much as I feel like I need   to express the weirdness of this particular holiday season, I'm just not in the mood to.   Yes it's strange, yes I'm having trouble getting into it, but that's what happens when you lose a family member and your kids are grown up.  Instead, there's been something rolling around my little brain pan of late so instead of Christmasy blues...we're going to pick on Americas most popular uber-conservative family:  The Duggars. First off, let me say:  I'm not bashing them, I don't hate or dislike them, and I'm not about to rip apart their way of life. OK, now that that's out of the way.  There's a lot of controversy with how they live and who they are.  Yes they are very devout Baptists and live according to the Patriarchal Movement.  This is a belief that holds the notion the father is the head of the household and the mother his "helpmeet".  Gender roles are very specific and held in high regard.  Thi...

There have been a lot of articles flying around me this last week or so.  Ferguson, abortion, the cops, the media, fraudulent companies...things varying in nature and weight.  There seemed to be a theme among most of what I read.  I tend to read the comments below the articles simply because I find more useful information there than the article itself.  The conclusion I came to has been quite interesting to me. I've always tried to maintain a mental air of neutrality.  Yes, I have opinions and occasionally I'll lean more toward one side than another, but I try hard to see both for what it is.  The thing that resonates with me on heavy topics is that people find a side and vehemently defend it, regardless of common sense, evidence, or empathy.  I don't have that ability.  Well, at least not without a certain amount of listening, reading, observing, and thinking.  I can't take anything on face value, I never could.  Not that I don't ...

I've had a lot of time to take a look at my life as it is now...and how my life would have been if things had gone differently.  I've come to some pretty stout realizations. I've gone over and over the what ifs of not getting divorced.  What would have happened if we'd stayed in Galveston, or if we'd have moved to a different city when we came back to Louisiana...who knows how it all would have gone down. The most recent things that spin through my mind involve the friends I gained, lost, and rekindled after it all came apart.  I found out some true colors on a couple of folks, one fell away due to an idiotic misunderstanding, others have come back to me because they couldn't stand my ex.  Another took advantage of what was happening in my life and betrayed my confidences.  Ironically, the idiotic misunderstanding person and the betrayal queen are bosom buddies now.  At first, that slayed me.  It really did.  I thought there was something take...

Wow.  First week of school down.  First test in each class down.  I truly never thought I'd be back there.   It's surreal, walking those sidewalks, seeing the old buildings mixed with the new ones.  The library is laid out differently; the student union is under construction; the students are mostly younger than me. I had one good panic attack the day before I started classes.  I wasn't excited, I wasn't peppy, I was terrified.  I had that all too familiar feeling of everything spinning out of my control, spiraling downward into a pit of disaster.  It didn't help that my birthday was looming just 4 days after the first day of school. Out of college for 15 years, out of high school for 19, didn't do great in college the first time around!  Why on Gaia's green Earth did I ever think I could return to University and actually....do something?  Is it because it's paid for?  Am I trying to prove something?  If so, to whom?  Wh...