MUSINGS

Did you know that's the name of my ex-husbands book?  He'd begun writing and compiling poems around the age of 17 with the specific intent to publish them someday.  He was able to snag an independent publisher right around the time I got out of the military and had a few hundred copies put out into the world.  Since we met at 21 I was a common theme in some of the poems, either myself or life in general.  Teen angst turned young adult passion.  It was nice to know he dedicated that work to a woman I had no idea he was seeing during and after my enlistment. A decade ago I was reeling.  I don't remember Christmas that year...I have a vague vision of a tree in the house and I think by that point a former friend and her son had moved in with my daughter and me.  I don't remember how I/we celebrated...I have no idea if I went up north to be with my family, but that seems like the logical assumption.  I only remember feelings.  Dread.  Lonel...

For the first time in longer than I can remember...I haven't had to sit and beg God for peace.  So many nights I pleaded to find a sense of peace somewhere in my life. That is a feeling I never thought I'd find, I just assumed I was flawed and I would fight that forever. This hasn't been an easy transition.  The house we are trying to leave has fought tooth and nail to remain in our lives.  While I was laying down some needed flooring a while back I remembered back to the very first time I ever visited there.  Way before there was a relationship...way before we were even a thought together.  "I will never live in that house"  Jokes on me because I lived there for almost 10 years.  It sheltered children, harbored some fights and some tears.  It tried to catch on fire twice, the roof gave up and leaked like a sieve for months.  Pets, children, jobs.....life.  It does not want to let that go. We try to personify inanimate objects becaus...

I'm not convinced that unconditional love exists, not in the way it's portrayed anyway.  If you were to ask someone their definition you'll probably hear something to the effect of, "love that has no limits, no boundaries, only forgiveness."  Parts of our society teach that love is transactional and there are many people who not only believe it but live that way.   Question:  if a person has become a burden on a family, their local system, just generally a drain on society, is it right for another person to say, "I've had enough, I need to get myself on track and stop putting you and your mistakes above me."   There's a common idea that the one who's needing to get away from what becomes a toxic environment is selfish or wrong for feeling that way.  One half of their peers will tell them, "good, you have to take care of you and yours first" while another half is remarking on the epic selfishness of that decision.  They swing ...

So I bought a farm. Like, a for real working horse ranch.  It wasn't planned, the deal just happened to present itself and was too good to pass up.  I jumped on it like I tend to do, all four feet, all at once. Honey was feeling more cautious about it but he could see all the potential.  After some careful negotiation and some liquidation on our part, we dove in. There's a massive part of me that wants to quantify everything I want to say...but I need to just put this out there without the justifications and explanations. A few weeks back I witnessed a bit of family reality.  One of Honey's quarter horses was ill and we didn't know.  We'd bought feed about a month prior and didn't really notice that she was in a declined state.  She seemed lean but not unhealthy.  Fast forward to his father coming to him angry and disgusted believing that the horses were not being properly fed.  We go out to the field to discover that she was in very bad sha...

Tee hee, you saw what I did there right?  People hate that little phrase, usually because those who throw it around change for about a week and then go right back to nachos and beer. I'm not talking about dieting or making lists of intentions...we're about to embark on a little something, an actual something, not an attempt.  If 2016 was the abusive year, and 2017 was the pick up the pieces year, 2018 must have been labor pains because things got crazy for a lot of people there at the end.  There are a lot of  folks going through a major shift right now and we are in that group.  I can't say too much about it at the moment and it's killing me not to say anything at all.  A lifelong dream and ultimate retirement plan is lining up and I am so ready I can't even see straight. There's a point when you've had so many curve balls thrown at you that you just stop ducking...no you lay down and stay low until you think it's safe.  And even then you don't ...

I Googled this because I was curious to see if it was really a thing.  Apparently it is!  But each link on the first page referenced employment in some manner or life in general.   What if a person doesn't have a mediocre life but does mediocre things for others?  When treating themselves they buy tickets to their favorite sports game or explore a new restaurant on a regular basis.  They take full advantage of anything that makes them feel happy and fulfilled.  That's what they will do for themselves. For those around them, on the other hand... "Well I did the best I could!"   Really?  Did you?  Did you really do the very best thing you could do?  Did you sacrifice a little of what you do for yourself to give a little more than the bare minimum?  If the answer is anything but a verifiable 'Yes', then they are practicing detrimental mediocrity.  I say detrimental because it will end up having that kind of effect...

Some days there just isn't enough coffee.  But there may be red lipstick and appetizers later.   Apparently I'm not supposed to be venting in a "public" blog.  Ya know because those I write about might catch wind of it.  oooooo. Bad Liz, bad bad.  I'm not supposed to air the perceived transgressions of my ex, or fuss about things in life that get under my skin.  Well, I suppose maybe I'm allowed just as long as it's only to an approved source that will keep any frustrations to themselves.  Or maybe I'm supposed to continue to play my role as kicked puppy and not say anything, ever, in any capacity.   Meh.  Either way, those latter things aren't going to happen.  Getting all this crap out of my head has been therapeutic in it's own little way, I never should have slowed down.  If anyone gets referenced, inadvertently or otherwise, and takes offense, so be it.  This is my brain spillage, this is my perception of life thus ...

Public school is getting started everywhere and university will be right behind it later this month.  My Girl will be headed to her own dwelling in a few days....another bird out of the nest.  While I am worried about her, I know she'll be OK.  She's got a strong foundation and a safety net should she ever need it.  I believe in her need to be an individual and try to do life on her own terms, I can't begrudge anyone their independence.  Honey asked me the other night if her father knew she was moving out..I told him I have no idea.  She doesn't talk about him at all these days, he's just a passing thought.  I know they keep in contact, he sent her a magical $50 gift card for school stuff.  Yeah I know, that's petty.  It's not the gift it's the consideration.  Screw that.  She's headed to university where she will be in charge of her own everything....life is not cheap.  You want to help?  Offer to pay her car insuranc...

Well, the end of an era is officially here, this fall we will be empty nesters.  Getting The Girl graduated was a hard job.  She was so focused on getting out she lost sight of the process, never have I had to push her so hard as I did this school year.  But, she finished & she's been formally accepted by her chosen university. sigh. One battle at a time. Ex & fam came to her graduation, we played well together & they went straight home.  Not after he carefully & smoothly slipped his way back into the good graces of some old friends.  I don't know what his agenda is but I do know that if he is deciding to try & come back...I'm leaving.  Yeah, I know that sounds extreme & reactionary but I've enjoyed the peace & solitude that has come from knowing he hasn't be here to permeate my life.  I was angry when he first left because I felt like he ditched his only child and me.  He left me holding the bag & I had to ma...

I'm graduating college. I'm finally graduating college. I'm graduating from university. In 8 days, I will be a college graduate. Sorry, I'm still trying to convince myself that this isn't a wild, Percocet induced dream.  My one and only daughter will also be graduating this month, one week after me.  She has fought one hell of a battle the last year and a half, she's done an amazing job.  My little family has been through trial after trial the last couple of years.  Dark shadows clawing at the health of my husband, my child, and perhaps even myself.  The strain on our home has been overwhelming, but we still have a house and we still have our vehicles and we still have food.  And for now, we still have a place to work.  We all got this far, we'll continue to fight until the shadows abate. I still feel strange doing this at 40.  I know there are a lot of people proud of me for returning and finishing, it's not something everyone gets to a...

Have you ever felt like you were drowning?  Yeah.  Sometimes it's like that.  Your breath leaves you momentarily, your vision gets a bit blurry, you may even feel a slight tingle in your hands and feet.  The good thing about that feeling outside the water is that you do eventually catch your breath.  You reset and go on about your business.   I will (hopefully) graduate college in just a couple of months.  Before that I will have artwork in the student gallery for people to see.  Needless to say I'm horribly nervous and a bit worried that my work will be acceptable and ready in time.  You might think that art is any easy thing to throw out into the world, but that's not true.  There is a massive line between fine/high art and craft art.  Neither one is better than the other, it's simply a difference in audience.  My audience is a fairly demanding one.   In the midst of classes where I learn or hone techniq...

It's been so long since I made this a regular thing, I have almost forgotten how to spill it.  Something in the last year or two flipped in me that made me not want to type anything out.  Kind of a self censorship because I began telling myself that I shouldn't be putting all the things out there the way I have in the past.  Then it hit me in the last 24 hours that when I was typing the BS out of my head, it was much easier to manage.  It's irrelevant to me if anyone else reads it, it was always about clearing the cobwebs out of my own head.  So why'd I stop? We're still tending wounds as the year winds down.  Wounds of all sorts and kinds: physical ones, mental ones, internal and external.  There are going to be some lasting impressions once all of this dies down.  If last year was a roller coaster, this year must be a drop ride.  Ya know the ones, they take you way high in the air, let you think you're safe and then suddenly it lets go an...

Gotta keep a wound clean in order for it to heal.... Let me paint a picture: A young woman meets a young man.  They hit it off, he's funny, she's a little weird but they seem to work.  She doesn't mind hanging out with him but it's not exactly what she was looking for.  She follows her heart anyway and falls for the line "every girl wants a guy like me but never me."  Then the red flags start.  Accusations thrown at him by old friends, nothing formal is ever addressed...it's just a messy fight between what used to be friends.  He swears his innocence and she believes him.   Later on as they became serious and began discussing living arrangements, she is informed of a white collar-esque minor crime for which the interesting young man was found guilty.  His probation would be in effect for a long while affecting her should they move in together.  Yet another red flag ignored.  They move in together and soon marry, his burdens become he...

I've been trying to 5 months to get this written out.  I've erased.  Deleted.  Changed text and title repeatedly.  I don't know where to start or what to say.  Do I mention that I didn't color my hair for the first 3 months of the year?  It was natural walking into this year?  Like a rebirth?  Do I mention that this semester of school was neither good nor bad...it was just, there?  Do I mention that the trials so far have been rough but manageable? We are indeed in a time of change.  The world itself and in my own little home.  Without going into too many personal details, our household has been hit with some major medical whirlwinds in the last 9-10 months.  My sweet Girl has a definitive reason for her tiny-ness, she will need medical monitoring for the rest of her life.  Honey has followed suit with some common but life changing ailments of his own.  Like I said, rough but manageable.  Getting into my own cr...

So yeah.  This year.  To say the least, it's been less than glamorous...and we still have 2 weeks to go.  I don't want to jinx it anymore than necessary. One more semester down, three to go, 2 classes at a time till it's over.  I'm not terribly excited about the nit picky way it's going but that's just because I'm impatient and I want to be finished.  I have some amazing projects lined up for this month and I'm very excited about them.  Now to just put tool to metal and I'll be OK. It's been a long strange trip.  So many things ended this year.  I don't want to say "lost" because I'm not sure anything or anyone really was lost.  I think that for the world and individuals, it's simply been the end of an era.  The baby boomers did lose many of their icons this year, it's been rough for celebrities.  Friendships have taken strange turns or fizzled out altogether, relationships have been started and ended with a strange ...

continuing on.... Concepts aside...Going from one lifestyle into another one is weird.  I've mentioned before that I'm  not exactly sure where I fit these days, that particular moment was in regard to my age.  That unsteadiness also applies to where I am in my lifestyle.  I've somewhat gotten past the feeling of boorishness when I'm around my instructors or chronological peers, I still don't feel quite "there" yet with them though. It's a biological and societal norm to run with those who are similar to yourself:  e.g., office ladies do lunch, teachers congregate, etc.  Looking deeper into that, lets say business in your particular area is high end:  brokers, attorneys, building management...those are the people who will mingle, lawyers will marry other lawyers, or perhaps a doctor...we tend to bond with those we are most similar.  So it's no weird thing to see art teachers with other artists, teachers, or writers...creators in some form or fa...

The first year and a half back in school was kind of a novelty.  Being back on my favorite campus, new book bag, new shoes...you know the drill.  Classes were fun, I knew all the answers and things weren't complicated.  All of the sudden, I wasn't making little artsy things to put in a sales window.  Suddenly I was expected to think of concepts and put my voice out there using a medium. Wait. Hold up...you want me to do what?? Yeah.  Be loud and proud about something.  Thus far, this is pretty much the only place I've been loud and proud with anything.  I have readers but I don't have this massive following, so it's kind of like going to confession...I can't see the priest and he can't see me. The first couple of art classes were technical, they were based in method and formal aspects of creating art.  Well, I'm not in the beginning stages anymore.  It's time to think.  It's time to find what matters to me and let it be seen. ...