MUSINGS

Wow.  First week of school down.  First test in each class down.  I truly never thought I'd be back there.   It's surreal, walking those sidewalks, seeing the old buildings mixed with the new ones.  The library is laid out differently; the student union is under construction; the students are mostly younger than me. I had one good panic attack the day before I started classes.  I wasn't excited, I wasn't peppy, I was terrified.  I had that all too familiar feeling of everything spinning out of my control, spiraling downward into a pit of disaster.  It didn't help that my birthday was looming just 4 days after the first day of school. Out of college for 15 years, out of high school for 19, didn't do great in college the first time around!  Why on Gaia's green Earth did I ever think I could return to University and actually....do something?  Is it because it's paid for?  Am I trying to prove something?  If so, to whom?  Who exactly do I think I'm foo

A while back I addressed the issue of attrition .  I've addressed my own anger and whatnot in regard to my divorce and even tried to give a little advice to someone trying to weather that storm.  I've come to realizations, had questions answered, found out who my friends are...all manner of growth type things.  Hell, I even sat for a day or so in the psychologists office as well as picking the brain of certain smarter-than-me folks. For some strange reason, I am having a hard time getting a handle on the panic and anxiety.  That's not normal for me...that I recall.  Maybe it is, I don't know anymore.  My mind is so confused as to what may or may not be real in that regard.  I do know that prior to boot camp I was fairly good at controlling my emotional state, at least from an outside perspective.  I knew how to cry on command, temper my anger, or reign back utter glee.  My assumption is that changed after boot camp because I remember raging at my ex.  The conundrum th