MUSINGS

Right now...I feel like I'm covered in them.  The usual array that show up here and there because I'm clumsy, a deep deep one just below my elbow (makes doing common things challenging), and a fresh one in the webbing between my thumb and forefinger on the same arm as the elbow bruise.  A beaten and battered heart that is taking a lot longer to heal up. So.  This time last year my father passed away.  I didn't announce it to many people, even though I shared the funeral details on social media...most people didn't connect that the person was my own dad.  A little over a month ago my old boss and mentor passed away, unexpectedly to me.  I hadn't seen him in quite a while and didn't know if his illnesses had progressed.  Most recently my former father in law.  He was in my life for the last 17 years.  Ex left the state about 4 years ago, that left me to bring the Girl to see her grandparents and make sure she spent time with them.  A one...

I went home to the woods this past weekend to attend my nephews high school graduation.  Honey came with me and got to see for real the kind of community I came from.  I can only assume he liked it. While I was home my mother put something into perspective for me that hadn't crossed my mind before.  You see, I'm aware that I come from a poorer area, I'm aware that being raised in the country has created a pattern of thought very different from those who live where I live now.  I very often preach gratitude and appreciation.  I am quick to tell someone they don't appreciate what they have, you think someone is always going to be there for you.  I simply assumed it was backwoods Southern raisin'.  Then she said this:  "You and your sister grew up with the understanding that your father was about to die at any moment."  See, for us, there was no safety net.  After his first two heart attacks in the early 80's the rest of his, and our, lif...

I had two and a half paragraphs written up about money and how I am the queen of bill collector calls, etc.  I even had a Pink Floyd video ready to go.  Then Mother's day happened.   I guess I pour all this out to find some clarity or maybe it's all just psycho-therapy.  At this point it's one of the few things that keeps my head straight and bits of the anxiety at bay.  I've been studying human behaviors and why people do things or say things.  A good friend of mine and I psychoanalyze one another on the regular, she and I tend to be each others' mirror.  There are some behaviors I'm familiar with simply because I've seen/dealt with enough people with those patterns.  There are others that I've seen but throw me off to such a degree that I have to recover from the shock of being exposed to it.  One thing I have learned about myself:  I am no good at being a step parent.  I have completely failed in the 5 years I've had an ...

I had a bit of an epiphany at 1 am in the freezing cold South this week.  My mind was racing and all I could think on was a mixture of the game I play online and Ex's behavior patterns.  It hit me that I spend entirely too much time and heartache dwelling on something that I should have expected.  It hit me that I wasn't even angry while I was turning it all over in my head.  As soon as the thought crossed my mind...I stopped and stared at the motionless ceiling fan. I'm not really angry. I'm really. not. angry. I'm......exhausted. The few things I needed to be angry or hurt about...I've been down that road, I trod on that one till there was nothing left to stomp on.  It's not about anything he did to me or that I did to him anymore.  These days it's simply what he does or doesn't do to and for his only child.  Those are things I can do nothing about.  I can't change what he fails to do, or how he justifies the behavior.  Somehow...

How much catharsis does one have to go through before the spell is finally cast??  We're about to find out I suppose. I think everyone has those days where they doubt their very existence, I assume it wouldn't be normal if we didn't.  What happens when the doubt permeates your daily routine?  There are tons of chipper, happy people wandering the Earth.  It's a safe bet that they can't be that happy constantly.  There have to be low moments to balance out all that sunshine.  Being one such person, when I'm down it throws people off.  I have friends who can't wrap their heads around why I wouldn't be up and chipper and off the cuff...I mean, she's always happy....right? Yes.  As an overall idea, I am always happy.  There are moments however, that I am not the shining example of Pollyanna.  This doesn't mean I need a lecture or a "boosting up" chat.  Maybe I just need a low moment.  Life isn't all sunshine and light all the ti...