MUSINGS

I know I'm off my game quite a bit.  I used to post every month, usually twice therein.  I'd like to use the excuse that school and grief have really taken me down but that's not entirely true.  Yes grief did play a roll.  When my dad passed away I found a little hole in my soul that I had to take a minute to let heal.  Art school is demanding, I'm not even going to pretend it's not, but it doesn't permeate everything and I did take this summer off.  Truth be told I've had a hard time putting it all out there these days.   This was my outlet...my place to lay it all down.  In the beginning I didn't think I had more viewers than a couple friends who basically already knew I'm a headcase.  I noticed over time that I had a few more than that.  It didn't bug me...it's kind of like going to Catholic confession...as long as you don't see who you're spilling it to, it's OK.  I was good till one of my friends called me out because I m...

Holy crap it's been a long while.  I guess I lost my mojo somewhere back there and didn't pick it back up.  How ya'll?  I'm doing alright I suppose, stress and life beside. The daily:  helping Honey keep his business alive...trying like hell to get mine going...trying to keep the dogs from killing each other...gently pushing my child out of the nest and her comfort zone.  Yeah. that's about it these days.  Oh yeah, and school.  Well....I made a 3.75 this semester.  The first time ever in college that I've done that.  It shocked me quite a bit.  While I may not be accustomed to failing, neither am I accustomed to passing with such a high mark.  I was a solid B student in high school (mostly out of choice) and during my first round in college I was basically a solid failure...again...mostly by choice.  When you use college as an escape route, the grades tend to be an afterthought.  As far as art goes, there is a smidge of ...

I've been told that we, people, undergo significant change every seven years.  I've gone back over my life several times to see if I can pinpoint any of those changes.  I suppose if I look hard enough, I can.  Childhood was childhood, but by 21 I was married with a baby on the way...by 28 I was exiting the Marine Corps, by 35 I was divorced and remarried...So yeah, I guess there's validity to that statement. It seems like this particular round the changes just keep coming.  I'm typically not one who is daunted by change, even if it's big.  It seems like the last 5 plus years have been a steady stream of....different.  From having to learn a new way of life to my body completely betraying me (thanks neck!), the constant shift in my world has been a little rough.  After the ex left I expected my friend circle to change and it did.  Most of that was a welcome change, I figured out who was toxic and who was good for me.  Back during my former l...

Perimenopause.  I can hear the "click" of the mice already...those running from the base word:  menopause.  You might stick around, it doesn't hurt to get a personal thought process on something like this. What is it?  Well, the Mayo clinic defines it as this: Perimenopause means "around menopause" and refers to the time period during which a woman's body makes its natural transition toward permanent infertility (menopause). Perimenopause is also called the menopausal transition. Sadly, there is no warning.  It just happens and by the time you realize you're not insane or pregnant...it's too late.  Understanding what the problem is doesn't really help matters either.  I know there are plenty of women who walk in their crone years with relative ease or even happiness.  So far I am not one of those, I'm not kicking and screaming but I'm not ok either.  You might be saying, "wth, you're only 38!"  Yes, yes I am.  And I...

So.  Back to the courthouse today.  Yet another contempt and another Judge Advocate to hand out mediation.  The excuses flew...the "I did the best I could" was reiterated...it went as well as could be expected.  My daughter won. I can't say that I have a victorious feeling, I find the whole situation pathetic.  I never thought we'd be here once much less three times.  Never though he'd walk away from her so completely and stay so disconnected.  It's disheartening to have to force someone to act in a manner that is second nature to others in their position. It hit me the other day I've spent every year in that mans life fighting not to be cast as "that woman".  Back in the day it was to not be the wife who didn't put out enough or was boring or too spendy.  I was always terrified of being the subject of the manly chat, ya'll know the one..."yeah my old lady won't do xyz unless it's my birthday!"  "Oh yeah, well at ...

A couple of my people have mentioned of late that my Facebook posts have been less than....jolly.  I'm not a constant presence there.  I post, or share a nifty article but mostly I just run around "liking" other peoples posts or commenting on various things.  It stopped being a thing for me a long while back, but I keep going back because that's where most of my people are.  I chat with friends that don't live nearby and get bits of info on things from time to time. The thing is...I'm not a particularly jolly person.  I'm cynical, pessimistic, and a bit hard-hearted.  The face I put on every day is not a true reflection of what's going on inside me most days.  I've posted lately that I'm just tired of humanity in general and that I'm over living where I live.  All of that is absolutely true.  The followups are attempts at pulling myself out of the irritation and pessimism that I typically live in.  I have to actively try to see the goo...

It came...and it went.  It wasn't bad, we went camping for the weekend at a nice little state park not far from where we live.  I came away with a few bug bites, a new gnome for my flowers, and a cute wine glass to replace my favored one that I accidentally broke. For some weird reason I dreaded that holiday this year.  I wasn't looking forward to it...at all.  The topic of growing older/aging/maturing has come up in a couple different conversations with different people lately.  As you start moving up in years you begin to look backwards at either what you've done or what you've witnessed.  Our examples of who to be usually start with whomever had a hand in raising us.  I know that I'm like my mother.  I don't trust easily, I don't allow myself to get close to people, I'm very very cautious.  One of the biggest differences between us is how my relationship is with my own child.  We are nothing like my mother and I were at this same mo...

So we made it a whole year.  I'm sure there were nay-sayers out there somewhere quipping that this wouldn't happen.  Well, to them I say: PPPFFFTTTTHHHH.  Ha!  For the rest of the world that knew from jump that we'd be fine, there is a firm handshake and a wink in it for ya.  That 3+ years we spent doing the relationship dance was Nooo indicator of whether we'd make it or not. (yes sarcasm).  I'm being cynical.  I can honestly say, never once did word ever travel back to me that anyone doubted our union, however unconventional it may be. It's been an eventful year.  We've managed to keep Honey's family business alive while keeping our home intact, I started back to college after a 15 year hiatus, the kids have hit major milestones, all without complete chaos.  Not to say there haven't been some ups and downs, good moments and bad, but it's been....life.  Nothing so bad that it couldn't be handled...and nothing to tip the scale the othe...

My head is spinning. Yeah, yeah, what else is new right? I've been walking around my old campus rekindling old connections and creating all new ones, both with people and the school itself.  It was surreal at first.  During the summer while I was there, it was a bit daunting to look around me and not quite recognize what I was looking at.  You see, they are renovating and making new spaces and updating the whole campus.  There's a strange refreshing similarity/difference blend going on that sort of sneaks up on you. All the old hangouts have pretty much either been demolished or turned into something completely different.  The popular cafe when I was in college back then has long since been gone, it's a Papa John's (of all things) now.  The dorms I lived in are gone, the one he lived in is gone now too, I was witness to a portion of it's destruction just this past week.  It's very interesting to watch history be washed away and replaced.  Symb...

Moving the divorce side of things to a different location.  This one will still be up and full of wonderfulness.  I just don't want the weight of the past life hanging around, I don't live there anymore. So, for those interested, check out the Southern Divorcee at Tumblr. http://sndivorcee69.tumblr.com/ and the first new blog there: http://sndivorcee69.tumblr.com/post/97651121352/false-hope Trot on over and give a look-see.  Feedback is always welcome.  And yes there is one coming here soon as well. We have fall & school & high school football to talk about!!