MUSINGS

Did you know that's the name of my ex-husbands book?  He'd begun writing and compiling poems around the age of 17 with the specific intent to publish them someday.  He was able to snag an independent publisher right around the time I got out of the military and had a few hundred copies put out into the world.  Since we met at 21 I was a common theme in some of the poems, either myself or life in general.  Teen angst turned young adult passion.  It was nice to know he dedicated that work to a woman I had no idea he was seeing during and after my enlistment. A decade ago I was reeling.  I don't remember Christmas that year...I have a vague vision of a tree in the house and I think by that point a former friend and her son had moved in with my daughter and me.  I don't remember how I/we celebrated...I have no idea if I went up north to be with my family, but that seems like the logical assumption.  I only remember feelings.  Dread.  Lonel...

So I bought a farm. Like, a for real working horse ranch.  It wasn't planned, the deal just happened to present itself and was too good to pass up.  I jumped on it like I tend to do, all four feet, all at once. Honey was feeling more cautious about it but he could see all the potential.  After some careful negotiation and some liquidation on our part, we dove in. There's a massive part of me that wants to quantify everything I want to say...but I need to just put this out there without the justifications and explanations. A few weeks back I witnessed a bit of family reality.  One of Honey's quarter horses was ill and we didn't know.  We'd bought feed about a month prior and didn't really notice that she was in a declined state.  She seemed lean but not unhealthy.  Fast forward to his father coming to him angry and disgusted believing that the horses were not being properly fed.  We go out to the field to discover that she was in very bad sha...

Tee hee, you saw what I did there right?  People hate that little phrase, usually because those who throw it around change for about a week and then go right back to nachos and beer. I'm not talking about dieting or making lists of intentions...we're about to embark on a little something, an actual something, not an attempt.  If 2016 was the abusive year, and 2017 was the pick up the pieces year, 2018 must have been labor pains because things got crazy for a lot of people there at the end.  There are a lot of  folks going through a major shift right now and we are in that group.  I can't say too much about it at the moment and it's killing me not to say anything at all.  A lifelong dream and ultimate retirement plan is lining up and I am so ready I can't even see straight. There's a point when you've had so many curve balls thrown at you that you just stop ducking...no you lay down and stay low until you think it's safe.  And even then you don't ...

I Googled this because I was curious to see if it was really a thing.  Apparently it is!  But each link on the first page referenced employment in some manner or life in general.   What if a person doesn't have a mediocre life but does mediocre things for others?  When treating themselves they buy tickets to their favorite sports game or explore a new restaurant on a regular basis.  They take full advantage of anything that makes them feel happy and fulfilled.  That's what they will do for themselves. For those around them, on the other hand... "Well I did the best I could!"   Really?  Did you?  Did you really do the very best thing you could do?  Did you sacrifice a little of what you do for yourself to give a little more than the bare minimum?  If the answer is anything but a verifiable 'Yes', then they are practicing detrimental mediocrity.  I say detrimental because it will end up having that kind of effect...

Gotta keep a wound clean in order for it to heal.... Let me paint a picture: A young woman meets a young man.  They hit it off, he's funny, she's a little weird but they seem to work.  She doesn't mind hanging out with him but it's not exactly what she was looking for.  She follows her heart anyway and falls for the line "every girl wants a guy like me but never me."  Then the red flags start.  Accusations thrown at him by old friends, nothing formal is ever addressed...it's just a messy fight between what used to be friends.  He swears his innocence and she believes him.   Later on as they became serious and began discussing living arrangements, she is informed of a white collar-esque minor crime for which the interesting young man was found guilty.  His probation would be in effect for a long while affecting her should they move in together.  Yet another red flag ignored.  They move in together and soon marry, his burdens become he...

So yeah.  This year.  To say the least, it's been less than glamorous...and we still have 2 weeks to go.  I don't want to jinx it anymore than necessary. One more semester down, three to go, 2 classes at a time till it's over.  I'm not terribly excited about the nit picky way it's going but that's just because I'm impatient and I want to be finished.  I have some amazing projects lined up for this month and I'm very excited about them.  Now to just put tool to metal and I'll be OK. It's been a long strange trip.  So many things ended this year.  I don't want to say "lost" because I'm not sure anything or anyone really was lost.  I think that for the world and individuals, it's simply been the end of an era.  The baby boomers did lose many of their icons this year, it's been rough for celebrities.  Friendships have taken strange turns or fizzled out altogether, relationships have been started and ended with a strange ...

continuing on.... Concepts aside...Going from one lifestyle into another one is weird.  I've mentioned before that I'm  not exactly sure where I fit these days, that particular moment was in regard to my age.  That unsteadiness also applies to where I am in my lifestyle.  I've somewhat gotten past the feeling of boorishness when I'm around my instructors or chronological peers, I still don't feel quite "there" yet with them though. It's a biological and societal norm to run with those who are similar to yourself:  e.g., office ladies do lunch, teachers congregate, etc.  Looking deeper into that, lets say business in your particular area is high end:  brokers, attorneys, building management...those are the people who will mingle, lawyers will marry other lawyers, or perhaps a doctor...we tend to bond with those we are most similar.  So it's no weird thing to see art teachers with other artists, teachers, or writers...creators in some form or fa...

The first year and a half back in school was kind of a novelty.  Being back on my favorite campus, new book bag, new shoes...you know the drill.  Classes were fun, I knew all the answers and things weren't complicated.  All of the sudden, I wasn't making little artsy things to put in a sales window.  Suddenly I was expected to think of concepts and put my voice out there using a medium. Wait. Hold up...you want me to do what?? Yeah.  Be loud and proud about something.  Thus far, this is pretty much the only place I've been loud and proud with anything.  I have readers but I don't have this massive following, so it's kind of like going to confession...I can't see the priest and he can't see me. The first couple of art classes were technical, they were based in method and formal aspects of creating art.  Well, I'm not in the beginning stages anymore.  It's time to think.  It's time to find what matters to me and let it be seen. ...

I've always been more pessimistic than optimistic, I used to call it realism, but I did eventually learn the art of seeing things for what they are.  When Ex and I were together he'd make mention that I was too meek or didn't stand up for myself enough, he'd tell me that I needed to say "no" more often.  It took me many years to do it and become comfortable with it.  Far too much worry about stepping on toes.  Too much worry about making someone angry or having them perhaps not like me.  After many years and many bad decisions, I realized that people are going to not like me even if they were a friend of mine.  People change and there's nothing any of us can do about it. When he left the learning process started over, stripping that meek side of me became a priority.  When the era ended with my first husband, people around me, friend and foe, all demanded answers to questions.  When I say demanded, I mean they held my feet to the fire until they ...

Right now the universe is giving our home a hell of a ride.  Torrential rains are leaving a lasting impression on everything south and people are losing what they worked very hard to maintain.  It's heart-wrenching to watch.  I have been able to donate a little bit, not as much as I'd like but it's what I could do so I have to be OK with that.  Unfortunately Honey and I have our own battle to fight with an ancient leaky building and no funds to do a proper repair.  We just have to wait for the rain to finish what it's doing so we can try to address it as best we can.   There has been many a night in the last few years that Honey and I both have looked at what was dumped in his lap and asked..."what did I/we do to deserve this?"  He certainly didn't ask for it, in case anyone was wondering.  But..he's got it.  It's there and it isn't as simple as ditch it and walk away nor is it as simple as drain a bank account to fix one problem out of 50...

I know I'm off my game quite a bit.  I used to post every month, usually twice therein.  I'd like to use the excuse that school and grief have really taken me down but that's not entirely true.  Yes grief did play a roll.  When my dad passed away I found a little hole in my soul that I had to take a minute to let heal.  Art school is demanding, I'm not even going to pretend it's not, but it doesn't permeate everything and I did take this summer off.  Truth be told I've had a hard time putting it all out there these days.   This was my outlet...my place to lay it all down.  In the beginning I didn't think I had more viewers than a couple friends who basically already knew I'm a headcase.  I noticed over time that I had a few more than that.  It didn't bug me...it's kind of like going to Catholic confession...as long as you don't see who you're spilling it to, it's OK.  I was good till one of my friends called me out because I m...

Holy crap it's been a long while.  I guess I lost my mojo somewhere back there and didn't pick it back up.  How ya'll?  I'm doing alright I suppose, stress and life beside. The daily:  helping Honey keep his business alive...trying like hell to get mine going...trying to keep the dogs from killing each other...gently pushing my child out of the nest and her comfort zone.  Yeah. that's about it these days.  Oh yeah, and school.  Well....I made a 3.75 this semester.  The first time ever in college that I've done that.  It shocked me quite a bit.  While I may not be accustomed to failing, neither am I accustomed to passing with such a high mark.  I was a solid B student in high school (mostly out of choice) and during my first round in college I was basically a solid failure...again...mostly by choice.  When you use college as an escape route, the grades tend to be an afterthought.  As far as art goes, there is a smidge of ...

Perimenopause.  I can hear the "click" of the mice already...those running from the base word:  menopause.  You might stick around, it doesn't hurt to get a personal thought process on something like this. What is it?  Well, the Mayo clinic defines it as this: Perimenopause means "around menopause" and refers to the time period during which a woman's body makes its natural transition toward permanent infertility (menopause). Perimenopause is also called the menopausal transition. Sadly, there is no warning.  It just happens and by the time you realize you're not insane or pregnant...it's too late.  Understanding what the problem is doesn't really help matters either.  I know there are plenty of women who walk in their crone years with relative ease or even happiness.  So far I am not one of those, I'm not kicking and screaming but I'm not ok either.  You might be saying, "wth, you're only 38!"  Yes, yes I am.  And I...

So.  Back to the courthouse today.  Yet another contempt and another Judge Advocate to hand out mediation.  The excuses flew...the "I did the best I could" was reiterated...it went as well as could be expected.  My daughter won. I can't say that I have a victorious feeling, I find the whole situation pathetic.  I never thought we'd be here once much less three times.  Never though he'd walk away from her so completely and stay so disconnected.  It's disheartening to have to force someone to act in a manner that is second nature to others in their position. It hit me the other day I've spent every year in that mans life fighting not to be cast as "that woman".  Back in the day it was to not be the wife who didn't put out enough or was boring or too spendy.  I was always terrified of being the subject of the manly chat, ya'll know the one..."yeah my old lady won't do xyz unless it's my birthday!"  "Oh yeah, well at ...