July 12, 2017

Tending wounds

Gotta keep a wound clean in order for it to heal....

Let me paint a picture: A young woman meets a young man.  They hit it off, he's funny, she's a little weird but they seem to work.  She doesn't mind hanging out with him but it's not exactly what she was looking for.  She follows her heart anyway and falls for the line "every girl wants a guy like me but never me."  Then the red flags start.  Accusations thrown at him by old friends, nothing formal is ever addressed...it's just a messy fight between what used to be friends.  He swears his innocence and she believes him.   Later on as they became serious and began discussing living arrangements, she is informed of a white collar-esque minor crime for which the interesting young man was found guilty.  His probation would be in effect for a long while affecting her should they move in together.  Yet another red flag ignored.  They move in together and soon marry, his burdens become hers.  As they carry on over time she ignores the questions from friends and family about his attitude toward her and life in general.  She make excuses and doesn't bother the friends who don't come by anymore because they really don't want to be around him.

A child is created after a year or so, they fall into financial hardship even though they both work.  They both give up any dreams of finishing college and try to make it all work.  It doesn't.  She hits a wall, goes to find the one job she is sure will fix all the problems.  It doesn't.  But it does provide her young husband the ability to go back to school or work as much or as little as he wants to.  He never goes back to school and yes...works as much or as little as he wants.  She is by no means a martyr, but by this point she's just broken and blind.  The money never seems to be enough, no matter what they do.  The red flags turned into red streaks after a while so she lashes out in her own destructive ways.  They try to fix the broken-ness of it all.  They fail.  He leaves.  He strips from her her share of their last tax return that should have been jointly filed.  Her ignorance and shame prevent her from fighting it.  By the time she realizes something could be done and is bold enough to attempt...it's too late.  She pays for the entire divorce.  She pays his court fees and makes sure there is nothing left connecting her to that life.  Nothing that will ever prevent her from moving forward in life.  She watches years later, when he is held accountable for the support of his child, he again manages to claim a tax year that should have been hers.  She didn't think to fight for it the day of, there is nothing she can do about it.

After she has moved on and accepted that her failed marriage was her fault, she discovers he is not the good and faithful spouse he always maintained that he was and that she believed him to be.  His skeletons fly out of his closet like ghosts at Hallowe'en.  He carefully avoids those topics, never confirming nor denying.  Never apologizing or admitting fault.  Years go by.  They both have successfully moved on, new commitments, new lives.

scene change

 Now, how amazing would it be to leave your past behind you, all the woe, stress, and worry, any and all ill feelings behind and go reinvent yourself in a place with no expectations?  Nothing follows you but a little debt that is quickly dealt with.  You get your dream apartment, the one you talked about all the time in college, dinner out and your chosen entertainment whenever you want them...all at the low low cost of a couple hundred dollars a month and a handful of phone calls to keep those back home happy, just enough to stay in good grace.  Little white, not-exactly-lies begin to manifest once you get to where you can reinvent yourself.  You feed the ones you attempt to care about a couple lines about it not being permanent and then make it permanent.  You find the perfectly damaged mate, the one who will buy that same tired line, "they all leave me", that person takes you in, spends their dime on you, and gives you the ability to build the rest of that dream.  You don't have to do a thing but keep up another facade.  Make them feel special once in a while, make them believe your mildly abusive behavior is the product of that past you don't talk about.  **maintain air of mystery**
Seriously, how amazing would that be????  All your responsibilities done, managed, over.  All that's required of you is to say the right things to the right people and maintain your facade, and BOOM.  All of life tied up in a neat little bow.

People who are more than the average narcissist all have certain traits:

They lack empathy and typically don't have a strong conscience.
They really believe they are never wrong and harbor no guilt for mistakes.
They are preoccupied with fantasies of epic success or romance.
They believe themselves to be better than those around them, more intelligent and special.
They are very arrogant and often charismatic, believing everyone likes them the most.

There is an all knowing, highly educated, incredibly witty renaissance man out there buying his way into his child's heart because he has no idea what else to do.  Still using.  Still belittling.  Still avoiding the truth of what was.

May 18, 2017


I've been trying to 5 months to get this written out.  I've erased.  Deleted.  Changed text and title repeatedly.  I don't know where to start or what to say.  Do I mention that I didn't color my hair for the first 3 months of the year?  It was natural walking into this year?  Like a rebirth?  Do I mention that this semester of school was neither good nor bad...it was just, there?  Do I mention that the trials so far have been rough but manageable?

We are indeed in a time of change.  The world itself and in my own little home.  Without going into too many personal details, our household has been hit with some major medical whirlwinds in the last 9-10 months.  My sweet Girl has a definitive reason for her tiny-ness, she will need medical monitoring for the rest of her life.  Honey has followed suit with some common but life changing ailments of his own.  Like I said, rough but manageable.  Getting into my own crap is a whole other ballgame.  I won't get in to my physical health, but it would make certain folks happy to know I'm not only going to one doc but two for my happy little anxiety ridden mind.  When the question came up as to why it's been so long between visits to mental health I was brutally honest (as is my way these days).  The last 2 doctors they sent me to were not great, one was a bully who shouldn't have been seeing veterans, the other was nice but ineffectual.  Why go and waste my time and theirs if it's not helping?  Anyhoo.  Getting things dealt with.

So now what?  Does this mean it's reinvention time again?  Or is that happening without conscious effort this time?  I don't know anymore, I've kind of been on autopilot for the last several months.  I haven't had time to think about much more than how my household is going to remain stable, or if the business is doing well enough to keep it's head above water.  That's what happens when you have something in your life that is more important than yourself.  You forget for a moment that you personally need anything, you do what is necessary to maintain what's around you:  the people or the life.  That's a good reason this semester wasn't spectacular for me, the creativity simply wasn't there.  It's very hard to concentrate on a project when you have literally a dozen other things weighing on your mind.

I'm not immune to stress, if anything I'm used to it.  I am tired though.  I guess it's like the movie Zombieland, try to find pleasure in the little things and just keep pushing forward in hopes of finding the one monster free place left on Earth.

One thing I know for sure is that I don't want middle age to drag me down into it's pits the way I've seen it do so many others.  Moms hit the wall with kids still hanging on, dads hit walls with dead end jobs that were supposed to be build up careers.  We get divorced, we have midlife crises, we suffer empty nest, we aren't as strong or as fast as we used to be, we hit turning points.  We fight uphill battles and either take the hill or we fall backward broken and defeated not sure where to go next. Either way we come out a little beaten up.  Well, it's a little known fact that I'm a fighter...sometimes brutally so.  Maybe my lesson right this minute is to direct that fighting nature into what's going on and take the damn hill.  Yeah.  It's exhausting...but really, what choice do I have?  I'm not fond of being pushed into corners or forced to do things...it's very hard to see any of these developments as opportunities.  In a couple corners I can see where the changes will be beneficial, but for every benefit there will be a sacrifice.  And they aren't the kind of trade offs that you can look at and ask if it's worth it...this is what it will be, take it or leave it.  This isn't pessimism, it's reality.  I know how to find the bright spot in things, but if the only bright spot is rusted, guess what, it's rusted.  Case closed.

I guess I'm still bitter over a certain "you get what you give" comment from last year.  Yeah, I know we get back what we put into the universe.  Oddly enough, statements like that are made by people who have enough.  I sincerely wish all the good things I'd done prior to my husband being hospitalized would have magically given us the ability to have affordable insurance before he ended up where he was.  The universe doesn't work that way.  You make do with what you have, you cut corners, you file paperwork that you never thought you'd ever have to fill out and you leave it up to that universe.  And yes, a blessing will happen, but it will come by way of trade off.  Again...that's what it will be, take it or leave it.  So you grab that little blessing and you cling to it for all it's worth and go home and say ok, we can make things work with X instead of Y & we'll throw Z out the window cause we never really use it anyway.  As grateful as a person can be for that one little bit, there will be some kind of stress induced anger at the the trade off.  There will be "why us, why now, why this, just....WHY".

The answer doesn't always come.  Sometimes the answer is, this is where you need to be right now.
**deep breath**  ok.  Then let's get it on and over with.

One brutal truth for this year:  I don't have time to worry about what's good for the rest of the country right now.  My husband and my daughter, in my house, in my little dinky town, on our little income have been and will suffer at the hands of any insurance decisions made by any government agency.  Period.  I have family members dealing with similar problems.  It won't matter how I ask a senator to vote or not vote, the existing system doesn't benefit my family, immediate or extended, and the incoming one looks like it won't either.  So you tell me, if you were in my shoes, would you support something that does you and yours no good?  Or would you direct your attention where it is most needed and hope for the best outcome?