November 09, 2017

Scars

It's been so long since I made this a regular thing, I have almost forgotten how to spill it.  Something in the last year or two flipped in me that made me not want to type anything out.  Kind of a self censorship because I began telling myself that I shouldn't be putting all the things out there the way I have in the past.  Then it hit me in the last 24 hours that when I was typing the BS out of my head, it was much easier to manage.  It's irrelevant to me if anyone else reads it, it was always about clearing the cobwebs out of my own head.  So why'd I stop?

We're still tending wounds as the year winds down.  Wounds of all sorts and kinds: physical ones, mental ones, internal and external.  There are going to be some lasting impressions once all of this dies down.  If last year was a roller coaster, this year must be a drop ride.  Ya know the ones, they take you way high in the air, let you think you're safe and then suddenly it lets go and your heart stops when the ride does just before you touch the ground.  Yeah.  That's a good description of the last 10+ months.  Heart stopping, eye opening, fear and anger inducing moments in time.

I've seen more of a hospital this year than I ever care to see again any time soon.  Since the original issue back in February, Honey's health took a bad turn and it's been an uphill battle thus far.  Strangely enough between running there, keeping up with classes, taking care of my not so little one, I haven't had time to dwell on old or unnecessary things.  I guess that's good right?  I've been on autopilot for the vast majority of it all, acting and reacting according to each moment.  There's always a crash that happens after a while though.  I never could maintain that kind of momentum without falling at some point and my reaction is typically pretty horrible.  And as the classic story goes:  when everything is falling apart, that's when someone wants something from you.  The ex, of course, has to show up and try to push his will and way into the mix right when that's the very last thing I need on my plate.

Mini-vent:  He fucking bought her the cheapest trashy car that he could find so he would look like a hero!  Brought it here, paid for the registration, gave it to her....and left.  Literally, drove it down, dropped it off, made a big show of taking pictures, stayed the night...and left.  That's it.  Hey kid, daddy bought you a car!!  Bye.  Hooray for added insurance expense when we are struggling to keep afloat with new medical issues throughout the house.  Hooray for a car that's almost 20 years old that leaks like a sieve.  Yeah, he may have driven it from 4 states away but she won't be leaving the tri-parish area in it.  #fatheroftheyear  And why bother seeing your child for your week long holiday visitation right?  Just have her around for the day of the holiday and the travels days.  I guess being a highly educated gym rat is more important than interacting with the only child you're aware of having.  
Sorry, I just needed to get that out.  

Woosaaahhh.  The holidays are supposed to bring about the thankful attitude and help us remember what is important in life.  Well.  I'm grateful my husband is whole (somewhat) and getting better every single day.  I am thankful for the bits of family and friends around me who have checked in and helped out, whether it was to chat/vent or to wash dishes and make sure my kid got fed.  I'm grateful things are not so bad that they aren't manageable, just really uncomfortable.  I'm grateful that I am the kind of person who can take all of these challenges and keep pushing through them.  Heaven knows there have been evenings that I've sat in my truck and considered how much fuel I had, how much money I had, and how far it would all get me.  At this point, I don't know if it's strength, stupidity, or self sabotage that's holding me in place, but I'm here.  What I do know is that I don't know any other way to do things other than to just pick up the slack everywhere I see it and go with that.  

Honey and I have a lot to work through, both individually and together.  When you have a couple trying hard to make a second round work and be more successful than the first, adding in new and exciting traumas don't exactly help the situation.  It can only go one of two ways:  hardship can strengthen a bond or it can force two people completely apart.  We haven't fallen apart and I don't believe we will.  We will simply continue to take care of each other and try to keep that scar as minimal as possible.  Devotion is a hard pill to swallow when you're still working through old, deep rooted trust issues.  The one actually dealing with the trauma is waiting for the other one to freak out and run, while the one having to watch the trauma occur is waiting for that person to just shut down.  There's absolutely nothing easy about watching your spouse or loved one go through a thing and there be NOTHING you can do to stop or affect it.  

So what do we do?  We put the appropriate bandages where they belong and we keep watch to make sure nothing foreign comes in and tries to undermine all the hard work we put into healing.  And when it's all said and done we are left with a faint reminder of what happened to get us to the place we need to be.  One day at a time, one step at a time, we will rebuild our health, our home, and our life.  




July 12, 2017

Tending wounds


Gotta keep a wound clean in order for it to heal....


Let me paint a picture: A young woman meets a young man.  They hit it off, he's funny, she's a little weird but they seem to work.  She doesn't mind hanging out with him but it's not exactly what she was looking for.  She follows her heart anyway and falls for the line "every girl wants a guy like me but never me."  Then the red flags start.  Accusations thrown at him by old friends, nothing formal is ever addressed...it's just a messy fight between what used to be friends.  He swears his innocence and she believes him.   Later on as they became serious and began discussing living arrangements, she is informed of a white collar-esque minor crime for which the interesting young man was found guilty.  His probation would be in effect for a long while affecting her should they move in together.  Yet another red flag ignored.  They move in together and soon marry, his burdens become hers.  As they carry on over time she ignores the questions from friends and family about his attitude toward her and life in general.  She make excuses and doesn't bother the friends who don't come by anymore because they really don't want to be around him.

A child is created after a year or so, they fall into financial hardship even though they both work.  They both give up any dreams of finishing college and try to make it all work.  It doesn't.  She hits a wall, goes to find the one job she is sure will fix all the problems.  It doesn't.  But it does provide her young husband the ability to go back to school or work as much or as little as he wants to.  He never goes back to school and yes...works as much or as little as he wants.  She is by no means a martyr, but by this point she's just broken and blind.  The money never seems to be enough, no matter what they do.  The red flags turned into red streaks after a while so she lashes out in her own destructive ways.  They try to fix the broken-ness of it all.  They fail.  He leaves.  He strips from her her share of their last tax return that should have been jointly filed.  Her ignorance and shame prevent her from fighting it.  By the time she realizes something could be done and is bold enough to attempt...it's too late.  She pays for the entire divorce.  She pays his court fees and makes sure there is nothing left connecting her to that life.  Nothing that will ever prevent her from moving forward in life.  She watches years later, when he is held accountable for the support of his child, he again manages to claim a tax year that should have been hers.  She didn't think to fight for it the day of, there is nothing she can do about it.

After she has moved on and accepted that her failed marriage was her fault, she discovers he is not the good and faithful spouse he always maintained that he was and that she believed him to be.  His skeletons fly out of his closet like ghosts at Hallowe'en.  He carefully avoids those topics, never confirming nor denying.  Never apologizing or admitting fault.  Years go by.  They both have successfully moved on, new commitments, new lives.

scene change

 Now, how amazing would it be to leave your past behind you, all the woe, stress, and worry, any and all ill feelings behind and go reinvent yourself in a place with no expectations?  Nothing follows you but a little debt that is quickly dealt with.  You get your dream apartment, the one you talked about all the time in college, dinner out and your chosen entertainment whenever you want them...all at the low low cost of a couple hundred dollars a month and a handful of phone calls to keep those back home happy, just enough to stay in good grace.  Little white, not-exactly-lies begin to manifest once you get to where you can reinvent yourself.  You feed the ones you attempt to care about a couple lines about it not being permanent and then make it permanent.  You find the perfectly damaged mate, the one who will buy that same tired line, "they all leave me", that person takes you in, spends their dime on you, and gives you the ability to build the rest of that dream.  You don't have to do a thing but keep up another facade.  Make them feel special once in a while, make them believe your mildly abusive behavior is the product of that past you don't talk about.  **maintain air of mystery**
Seriously, how amazing would that be????  All your responsibilities done, managed, over.  All that's required of you is to say the right things to the right people and maintain your facade, and BOOM.  All of life tied up in a neat little bow.

People who are more than the average narcissist all have certain traits:

They lack empathy and typically don't have a strong conscience.
They really believe they are never wrong and harbor no guilt for mistakes.
They are preoccupied with fantasies of epic success or romance.
They believe themselves to be better than those around them, more intelligent and special.
They are very arrogant and often charismatic, believing everyone likes them the most.

There is an all knowing, highly educated, incredibly witty renaissance man out there buying his way into his child's heart because he has no idea what else to do.  Still using.  Still belittling.  Still avoiding the truth of what was.