MUSINGS

Wow.  First week of school down.  First test in each class down.  I truly never thought I'd be back there.   It's surreal, walking those sidewalks, seeing the old buildings mixed with the new ones.  The library is laid out differently; the student union is under construction; the students are mostly younger than me. I had one good panic attack the day before I started classes.  I wasn't excited, I wasn't peppy, I was terrified.  I had that all too familiar feeling of everything spinning out of my control, spiraling downward into a pit of disaster.  It didn't help that my birthday was looming just 4 days after the first day of school. Out of college for 15 years, out of high school for 19, didn't do great in college the first time around!  Why on Gaia's green Earth did I ever think I could return to University and actually....do something?  Is it because it's paid for?  Am I trying to prove something?  If so, to whom?  Wh...

I read an article on NPR this morning about laziness in America.  It wasn't written to bash anyone or anything, just an observation on life in the US beginning with the founding fathers and their attitudes towards idle time. In our home growing up, we were never allowed to utter the words "I'm bored" without repercussion.  If there were no immediate chores to be done, the answer was to go read a book, which we did with fervor.  Other than that, there was always something to be done whether it was to wipe down baseboards, dust the living room, sweep anything and everything, or pick through peas.  Sleep was not an option.  Naps were reserved for a rare Sunday afternoon and only if mama took one first.  The only real way to get out of work at the house was to leave...in our case, go hide in the woods all afternoon until she was calling us in or we got hurt and just had to get it patched up proper.  Even heading over to hide at a friends house could res...

OK, so you know how a while back I said this year would be as good as I can make it?  Having remarried and found some much needed stability?  Weeeellll.  It looks like things are coming together more than I ever expected. I registered, paid my admin fee, and was accepted back into the University that I quit so many years ago.  I am also eligible for school funds through the Veteran's Administration. I think I'm in shock.  No.  I know I'm in shock. You see I wasn't looking to go back into a degree plan.  I just wanted to take a couple of classes on metal working...nothing fancy.  Those classes, however, are offered as part of a curriculum, therefore are the standard rate if taken alone.  There is no way I could afford a $750 class, much less three of them.  After some panic and some tears, I began to look over the university website and found a link for veterans.  I perused and found a link to a GI bill that I never knew existe...

Fitness.  Yeah, sorry, I warned ya! ;-) Fitness.  It's everywhere.  It's a dirty word for some and a lifestyle for others.  I've read blogs and posts from women my size and otherwise defending their right to be who they are and they size they are.  Many are defensive at the mention that they perhaps are not doing enough or do not have the "proper" body type.  This raises questions with me...it causes me to think:  "she who protests the loudest....".  We often protest the idea that we could be wrong or actually not doing enough.  I do this as much as anyone else.  I don't like for someone to put it to me that I actually *can* do more, be more, go farther, work harder.  I remember before I was enlisted I didn't believe what the recruiters and doctors told me.  I was only about 10 lbs over my "ideal weight" back then, but to them...I was fat.  A whopping 145 lbs at 5'3".   About 3 months ago I realized I was 100 lbs ov...

I think 2013 has been good....it had to be right?  Business is picking up, the kids are healthy, neither house has fallen in on itself, the bills are paid, the trucks run.... I think everyone sets themselves up to try to make major changes from one year to the next.  Each New Years is like a new slate, clean and fresh, ready for new beginnings.  Everyone wants to put away that one bad habit they just can't kick or take up something new they always wanted to try.  Still others are searching for that peace:  the end to that bad relationship, the release of toxic people or ideas, or perhaps simply to clarify their own mind and inner daemons.  I am by no means immune to any of this.  Each year starts off with the classic, "I will lose weight".  There was one year that I did it, I maintained my figure and was satisfied with the image in the mirror.  I will be there again.  Apologies in advance if any of my posts are riddled with fitness mot...

The Chameleon Because I mentioned some changes within and without regarding me, I thought I'd post a few photos of me over the past few years.  Starting around 2008-ish and ending today Feb 25, 2013.  I hope you like.    this had to be around 2008, I remember it was Mardi Gras.  I was red once again sa me year with another beautiful Fontenot woman the year it all went haywire. 2009 2010, in my own home with the hair gone. it was a release and an act of rebellion still short, still red, trying to fit in in a world that was brand new 2011 2012 embracing the inner "Rosie" reclaiming the feminine   and here we are today (literally). dark dark brown, red, longish. smiling. content in my own skin. 2013

Honey told me to write, so I'm writing.  I pierced my nose and got another earring this weekend, last weekend I changed my hair colour for the first time in 5 years.  That really doesn't seem like much, looking at it in print, but for me it was a bit of an experience.  Lemme 'splain. I was told by a friend recently that I have a tendency to apologize for who I am both when I'm blogging and in daily life.  This is a quality that I vehemently insist that my sister not do.  I've learned in recent years she and I are very very alike in our insecurities and how we handle them.  She tends to turn inward, I go all out for everyone to see. I'm never quite sure whether I'm seeking validation or simply living out loud.  I like to think I'm living out loud.  Some folks over the years have used the term "self destructive" in regard to me.  Maybe I am or have been, either way, I'm a work in progress.   There's a little something that happens w...

I had a chat last night with the Honey, we were discussing the differences in each of our "worlds" so to speak.  He was raised both within and on the fringes of the city, it's not a big one but it's a city nonetheless.  I was raised way deep in the country with party lines into the late 80's and no 911 service till the mid-90's.  That wasn't so much the main topic however, the issue at hand- that seems to be a recurrent thing with me- is the material fixation people have.  I've never understood an attachment to "stuff".  Now, yes I'm human and American and therefore have a certain appreciation for nice things, I do like my little computer, pretty jewelry and my big truck, but I don't live for them.  To me they are replaceable, as is most everything physical in my life.  The only things that are not replaceable are my people and my critters.  I don't quite get the concept of having the unnecessarily large house, or a pricey car o...

I don't know when I became a planner, maybe I always was one....I do remember driving my ex nuts with moves and trips because I'd want to have an idea of what we were doing before we did it.  On that same hand I have a tendency to just jump into things with both feet, as usual the "Liz Conundrum".  I've been hit in the last year with this incessant need to strip my life down to bare basics and start over.  Like from scratch.  Currently, that is not an option; at least not a comfortable option that I'm willing to jump into.  My mom made a statement once that is dead on:  we spend the first half of our life trying to run as far away from home as we can get, we spend the other half trying to get back. In a physical, geographical sense, I'm not sure I could live back home and be ok with it.  I've lived in cities around the world, I have a very diverse view of it.  I don't know how well received my attitude would be if I were to try and blend back in...

It's been a hell of a New Years Day...I've cleaned, scrubbed, wiped down, picked up, thinned out and shredded all the things in the house that needed attention.  I've not been this tired in a while, but it's a good kind of tired.  I have a lot to reflect on from this past year.  There were a lot of firsts this year, I made new friends, rekindled some old relationships, and had a mostly positive experience.  I made some milestones with my honey and our family.  I am anxious to start this year on a different foot with a new outlook. I don't want to do resolutions as such this year, I'd rather set goals that will work toward making me a better person.  I've already started one of them.  I've begun doing some research that I haven't done since I lived overseas.  I had a lot of time on my hand then, a lot of time to think and study.  There is no reason I can't do that now.  I just have to learn how to budget my time. For the last year I h...

Ok. So I have this theory that next year is going to be my year.  It's got to be.  I mentioned in a prior blog that I'm not exactly on board with the Mayan prophesy slated for December.  I do believe the world, as we know it, is going to change....but it's not going to end exactly.  All you gotta do is read all the headlines and listen to what Mother Earth is telling you.  That being said, on to 2013.  The word Triskaidekaphobia means fear of the number 13.  I do not have this.  I embrace that number and all it's bad reputation.  I was born on the 13th of the month and I have had several Friday the 13th birthdays over the years.  They are typically pretty good ones.  Some version of the number usually shows itself to me, and I will almost always use it when choosing lotto numbers.  I am not good with  mathematics, but I do believe that numbers and numerology are sacred and all around us.  The number 3 and it's...

the duck billed Platypus, nature's screwup ;-) Have you ever noticed when something goes wrong, or awry, or simply not the way you wanted/hoped/intended, you blame yourself?  Well, some of us do anyway.  Maybe not right off the bat, but later when it all sinks in, you think, "damn, what could I have done differently? was this my fault?".  Of course at some point in that process we spend a good deal of time replacing that blame on whomever, whatever we can.  Does eating or placing all that blame really solve anything?  Or does it just make us feel better....? I'd love to blame my ex for all the crappy things about our failed marriage, but I can't.  We both had a hand in wrecking it.  Now on my part, I need to make sure I don't take all the blame and agonize over it.  Work in progress.  The universe has a way of showing up at the right moment and saying, "hey fool! Take responsibility but learn to let go!".  That, folks, ...

Ever have a dream so powerful you don't forget it, even after several days?  Yeah.  It's no secret that I'm fairly fed up with my line of work.  I'm feeling a bit mid life crisis-ish.  Well, the other morning I had a dream that I was at work and the fellas were working on something high above using the cage lift.  It's not a complicated device, it's just a 3 or 4 foot tall cage that you can use with a forklift to reach things high above with some safety.  There is a door that latches on the end.  Ours is a bit different, but the concept is the same In my dream I needed to get to the other side of the shop to help someone out.  For some reason, in order to get to where I needed to be, I had to go around or across this lift...which was full of my co-workers.  I chose the short route, going over it. So I climbed over the side to get in with the intention of climbing right back out the other side.  I knew full well I could get stu...

I want to take a photograph of my hands, now at 35 and perhaps again in 30 years or so.  I probably won't do it, but it's a neat thought.  I'm sort of obsessed with hands, men's, women's, little children; I used to chew on my daughters fingers when she was an infant.  I thought her little hands were the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.  I did it for years till she drew back one day and I knew it was time to stop nibbling on my little ones fingertips.  There's line in one of my favourite books referencing the character's mother's hands....she described the red nail polish just applied the day before and how they always smelled of Jergen's lotion.  It often makes me think on my own mother's hands, they have always looked very.....capable, and always smell clean.  Always clean, because my mother, child of the 50's, is always cleaning.  Sometimes I think I see some of that same capability in my own.  Whether real or added, my nails a...