MUSINGS

Right now...I feel like I'm covered in them.  The usual array that show up here and there because I'm clumsy, a deep deep one just below my elbow (makes doing common things challenging), and a fresh one in the webbing between my thumb and forefinger on the same arm as the elbow bruise.  A beaten and battered heart that is taking a lot longer to heal up. So.  This time last year my father passed away.  I didn't announce it to many people, even though I shared the funeral details on social media...most people didn't connect that the person was my own dad.  A little over a month ago my old boss and mentor passed away, unexpectedly to me.  I hadn't seen him in quite a while and didn't know if his illnesses had progressed.  Most recently my former father in law.  He was in my life for the last 17 years.  Ex left the state about 4 years ago, that left me to bring the Girl to see her grandparents and make sure she spent time with them.  A one...

So, yeah, I've had enough. There's this little video clip that's gone all viral on the interwebs.  It's a portion of a speech made by our illustrious leader a few days ago.  In this clip he dares to mention atrocities that were committed hundreds of years ago...*gasp* by Christians.  The statement he made has caused a huge stir, inciting remarks about history itself and why he'd bring up such a thing.  (DISCLAIMER:  I am not a fan of, nor do I support our current governmental regime in any of it's capacity!!)   Now.  The comments that have been filtering around social media have all been to the extent of "why is he bringing up something so old", or "the Christians didn't persecute the Muslims, they defended themselves".  (these are not exact quotes, if you want to read them, head over to Walton & Johnson on Facebook) Reiterating my disclaimer one more time, so there is no misunderstanding:   I didn't vote for this cat......

I have so much flying around in my brainpan these days.  This holiday season is going to be a very strange one.  There are family separations that I don't understand, and some that I do.  I lost my father this past month and my stepson, the Boy, lost his maternal grandfather earlier this year.  Those gaps will be very hard to fill.  There are so many more things going on that I just can't wrap my head around.  Death, that makes sense.  There's a level of ignorance happening around me that I can't abide and it's caused riffs that don't make sense to me. I was a reluctant mother.  That is not something I've exactly hidden.  I also took the necessary steps to make sure I never had anymore children regardless of what doctors, family members, and friends told me about it.  I know what happens when a woman follows gender roles or wants a baby to get a paycheck from some unsuspecting sap.  I was never going to follow those patterns, the ...

How much catharsis does one have to go through before the spell is finally cast??  We're about to find out I suppose. I think everyone has those days where they doubt their very existence, I assume it wouldn't be normal if we didn't.  What happens when the doubt permeates your daily routine?  There are tons of chipper, happy people wandering the Earth.  It's a safe bet that they can't be that happy constantly.  There have to be low moments to balance out all that sunshine.  Being one such person, when I'm down it throws people off.  I have friends who can't wrap their heads around why I wouldn't be up and chipper and off the cuff...I mean, she's always happy....right? Yes.  As an overall idea, I am always happy.  There are moments however, that I am not the shining example of Pollyanna.  This doesn't mean I need a lecture or a "boosting up" chat.  Maybe I just need a low moment.  Life isn't all sunshine and light all the ti...

It's almost midnight, I need a shower and I'm sure there will be Taco Bell inspired nightmares and fierce heartburn come 3am.  But.  I'm not drunk, and I didn't cry, and I remember who it was that made me melancholy tonight.  His name was Larry.  He was my brother. I was raised with my sister, we two daughters from my fathers second marriage.  My dad is now an old man, struggling with his own mortality.  He has buried three of four sons from his previous marriage.  One remains, the youngest, the calmest, and the least likely to get into things that are not good for him.  I wish I could say that I was inspired to cry in grief, but the thing that made me want to cry was the fact that I had no idea who this man was.  I didn't know his favourite song or band, much less what kind of music he liked.  I didn't know what he drank, if he drank, or if a toast to him would have been appreciated.  What I remember of him was a tall, dark haire...

I spent the afternoon reveling with the locals and a myriad of foreigners for our first festival of the year.  The week has been so odd and surreal that I needed something to reinforce my lust for life in general.  The week itself contained the deaths of some people who were seemingly too young to go, a progressed illness in a close friend, a change in my career path, and the potential dissolve of a friendship that was fairly new.  Surreal doesn't even describe it all.  The universe has always shown me when I'm going down the correct path and when I make a life change it always encompasses so much more than I expected.  This time is no different.  Each thing that changes directly correlates to the other, for every thing I give up there is always something that comes to take it's place.  Doors opening and closing if you will. Death = Transition I've never been one to believe the phrase "gone too soon", or "too young  to die".  I'm not ...