February 27, 2012

Life or something like it

I have had the same vision of my adult life for as long as I can remember.  When I was very young, imagining me in my 20's or so, it was single, white apartment with a pretty cat...simple.  As I grew up and as my taste changed it morphed into a single, travelling woman, with a semi-permanent home in the Arizona desert.  Then I got married and had my little one.  Since then the vision has been the same.  Home, yard, trees, gardens, flowerbeds, pets, me working in the yard creating in the house or just being me. 

I've often said I want to be that crazy lady down the street that reads tarot and makes tinctures or who very simply helps those who need it.  I am not a hugely ambition person, no more than anyone else, but I an ambitious enough to make my own way.  I got through Marine Corps bootcamp, 11 years with the same man before he set sail for greener pastures, and I've managed to work in a mans world for the last decade or so and do it well.

It's been long enough, it's time for something new to happen.  It's time to get that shady house with the full yard, work with my hands creating for those around me, and settle into some kind of inner peace.  Don't get me wrong, I am far closer to peace than I've been in years, I'm just not completely there yet.  I still have a tiny struggle inside me that I need to conquer or come to terms with.  Once that happens, I think I'll be ok.  I can see it, I know it's possible, I'm just worried of how probabable it will be.....

I never fully learned to let go and allow the universe to do it for me.  I can to a degree, but I have to feel like I maintain a certain control over my life, even though I know full well I don't.  None of us do.  There are days I'm grateful for that, and then there are days when it flat out makes me angry.  I always get over it.  I'm grateful, at least, for where I am and for not having a rough ride.  If all I have to say about the unexpecteds is: I have a child, I got divorced, I survived a war, and I got rescued...I think I'm doing ok.

But....it is time.  Something needs to change, I need new scenery.  Like, really new scenery, i.e., job, house, wardrobe..something. 

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