March 19, 2012

Lost and Found

Two things I do not discuss in mixed company is politics and religion.  But for the sake of story tellin', I will lend a little glimpse of my adventure this past weekend. 

I went to Alabama with a wonderful new friend I made from Hammond.  It wasn't just a friendly visit just to get out of town, it was a much needed spiritual retreat.  See, with all the goings on in the last 5 years or so, I lost a lot of my faith.  This was compounded by losing people in my life that were important to me and by the anxiety I have carried around for so very very long.  It's been easy for me to put most or all of the heartbreak I have encountered on my ex.  This is not entirely accurate.  It was simply easy.  Yes, of course our divorce broke my heart.  A person cannot live with someone for over a decade and not feel something intense for that person.  However, the true catalyst for my loss of faith actually came when a long time friend called me out for something that was actually a misinterpretation of a conversation. 

Now when I say loss of faith I don't just mean in God or the Great Spirit or whatever anyone wants to title it as.  I mean all of it.  Faith in God(dess), faith in friendship, faith in life, faith in love, and the biggest of all:  faith in myself.  When I was shaken down to that core I lost it all.  The thing it took me a year to see was, this person had actually been inadvertently chipping away at my spiritual faith for years.  I just never put it all together.  I began to question everything that I'd become sure of just a few years prior to coming home to South La.  I didn't fully understand the depth of it all till this weekend.

See, I went to interact with a group of people just like me.  I went to church.  Ok, it was more like a big revival, complete with ordained folks and good red wine.  I was able to make new friends, find a guide, share some "you're not alones" and reunite with some souls.  It was a retreat to get all of us who were there back onto the paths we had been walking.  Some of us were a little more grounded and into their paths, others like me needed some help finding it again.  But I can guarantee you one thing, we all left different and I believe it all to be for the better. 

I won't go into all the ins and outs of what I needed and what I got out of it all, but I will say this:  My eyes are open again.  Fully, and completely.  I know who I am, what I believe in and what I need to do to cultivate and nurture that person.  I refuse to allow anyone to take that away from me ever again.  This was necessary for me, and I believe it will result in not just a peaceful Liz, but a peaceful home too. 

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