July 27, 2012

Finding Balance

It seems I've embarked on a spiritual quest as well a life one.  My last post was a much needed purging of emotion and pent up issues.  I'm a firm believer in facing the fear or the deamon in order to conquer it.  I use the term deamon not so much in a literal biblical sense, but the idea that we all have a fear, a hangup, a something that plagues us.  Until we face it head on- jump in that 8 foot pool, climb that 10 foot ladder, step inside that airplane- we will never get rid of it.  Depending on how firm a grip that deamon has, a body can come back from that fight a new person.  In my particular case, with that particular deamon, it made me calm again.  I've been fighting for years to maintain an inner peace. 

As a child I was basically Pollyanna, always upbeat.  I'm still that way to a degree, I try very hard to find the positive side of almost anything.  For the last few years that has fallen away and I've become quite the cynic.  I call it being a realist.  Well, there's real, and then there's perpetual pessimism, convinced that the other shoe IS going to drop.  I think I started slipping into the latter, it's time to pull myself back out.  In light of a good friends words, "suck it up honey", my focus for the next little while is to actively be as positive as I can be.  So friends beware, I might get a little obnoxiously sweet. 

Life, as I know it, is good.  My life has been good.  Yes, I've had some tough moments, made bad decisions, poor choices, and at times no choice at all.  But, I've always had a home to live in, a dry place to sleep, food to eat and enough clothes to keep me warm and dry.  I've had reliable vehicles, and the one or two that weren't reliable were quickly replaced with little fuss.  I was fortunate to marry a man who never raised his hand in anger to me.  He always held some type of job, even if it was for minimum wage, it was still work.  I have a healthy, smart amazing child.

My girl alone, makes all things in this world pale in comparison to her.  She is exactly what I asked for when I talked with God the first time about babies.  I was never on the mommy/wife/homemaker train when I was young.  What I would say when I asked was, "if (not when) I have a baby, let it be a girl and let her be smart and pretty and independent".  Many people tell me I should have had at least 2, most Cajun folks tell me I need 3 or 4.  I'm good with the one and half I've got.  I knew what I could handle and so did those in command of my life.  The man who is her father is very intelligent and has a great sense of humour.  The thing that drew me to my ex to begin with was his ability to make me laugh.  Anyone who has spent more than 5 minutes with me knows I dearly love to laugh.  He and I made a funny, clever little girl.

In retrospect, life in general could have been much harder.  Oh yes, don't get me wrong I've done and seen some crazy and dangerous things, given some circumstances I'm lucky to be alive.  I do need to remember what good things have come out of all the bad.  So here we are again, but this time it's reaffirmation, reclaiming, and a bit of rejoicing.  Everything has to have balance right?  Right.

I am grateful that I married someone who understood me, if only for a little while.

I'm grateful I got to fall in love multiple times over my life.

I'm grateful I got to see the world, something I never believed I'd do.

I'm grateful that I was given a second chance to love and be loved.

I'm grateful for my frustrating, aggravating, hot, dirty job, because I make my boss and his colleagues happy and proud of me. 

I am grateful I learned how to survive on basic necessities, a short budget and the ability to craft perfect breakfast for dinner.

I am grateful for the friends I made and the things I saw during those 11 years. 

And I am very grateful for the events of my life thus far, they have opened my eyes, made me not so naive, and very open-minded. 

and so closes one more chapter.


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