August 14, 2012

Starting Over.....again.....

I keep seeing these great affirmations on Facebook, like: 

I sincerely hope so.  I'm not at the end of my rope, I know that much.  I was born to deal with life and it's quirks, all the women in my family were born for that.  I come from tough stock on both sides of the family.  Women who live with hardheaded husbands, or hardheaded women that have husbands far too patient for their own good.  I'm in the latter category (so is my sister I think).  I never thought of myself as a compassionate person, but I'm finding out that I am....As a line from my favourite book reads, "she's all biscuit crust exterior and butter soft on the inside"..yeah, that about sums it up.  In other words:  all bark and no bite.

I've discovered it's far harder these days, to hide things and shove them down where they can't come back to haunt me, than it ever has been.  I used to be good at putting on a show and a brave face and faking my way through life, as it were.  I did well too.  Now?  Now, I'm a puddle waiting to happen.  I don't believe it's one of those things fixed by the proper concoction of legal opiates or anything chemical. I need to come to terms with all the things that keep surfacing and the new things that seem to pile on all at once.  When you're taught at a young age that what goes around, comes around, it sticks....firmly.  To the point that as you get older you start to question every single ugly thing you might have ever done.  From snatching a piece of candy as a child to any heinous adult mistake.  It's hard not to, when you're a believer in Kharma, the golden rule, or simply the idea that you reap what you sow.  If all of these things are valid ideas, where does it end?  Where's the line in the sand?  A person can't live peacefully constantly tearing them self down, so, at what point does the healing structure start? 

If we are all pieces of the Divine, little spears of hope and light, how do we channel it?  There is also the idea that questions how the truly awful are pieces of that Divine too...but we all know that the light cannot exist without the dark and vice versa.  My honey told me recently, when I asked him how he deals with me, that basically I show him how not to be.  I secure his place in the world.  His outlook.  Maybe that's the point of it all.  He and I are on such unfamiliar ground with each other, we have a hard time believing it's real.  He is waiting for me to bleed him dry, cut bait and run.  I'm waiting for him to lose patience and send me packing.  So far, neither of those things has happened, and to be blunt, are probably not going to.  We're going to continue to do what we do, work, play, fuss, laugh and catch each others slack.  Have you ever heard of a couple who fights over who tries to take the burden off of who?  Yeah, we do that.  Obviously neither of us has done anything so bad in our past that it overshadows how one perceives the other.  So why the anxiety? 

Do I place it on a not great marriage?  Do I place it on a naive childhood?  Do I place it on strict parents?  Or do I sit back and tell it to eff off and leave me be.....I've mentioned to my sister that changing a mindset, a belief is harder than anything else to do.  You can change an idea, but when you truly believe something, that's hard to let go of.  There have been things in the world I've been certain of, up until now.  Now, that certainty is in question and I'm fighting my self and the world around me--trying to put it back and trying to let it go.  Maybe I just need to redefine what is truly certain and what is truly subjective.  Another baby step.  Another facet to look at.  Another daemon to slay.

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