September 18, 2012

Prophets and hippocrits and cowards oh my!!

OK so the title is a little much, but I'm sure everyone has had to deal with their share of people who refuse to live in the here and now.  I used to be one of them.  I had the best dream world up until I was somewhere around 20.  I had the best emotional control of anyone I knew, I mean I could hide and fake a smile with the best.  Most of my life at that time was a fairly big lie, so to speak.  Then boot camp came along and stripped me down to almost nothing.  See, that's what they do.  They "remake" you.  I can't speak for any other branch, but I can say quite definitely that the USMC does a good job of reprogramming the person, inside and out.  Since then, my bullshit meter is off the charts, I can't hide or fake emotion, I know all of my limits and I have a pretty severe lack of tolerance.  It's not easy for me to deal with people who push those limits. 

This last part of the year has been very difficult on everyone around me, my little household especially.  Between work being not great, the family life being strained, me having some kind of weird mental something going on...I've had probably the lowest tolerance level ever.  I used to pride myself on having the patience of a saint.  Well, not anymore.  At least not right now.  I have zero problem calling someone out on their crap.  My theory is, I have to wake up and face mine, why shouldn't you?  In some cases it's, don't tell me what to do if you refuse to take your own advice.  And the ever popular, don't expect something for nothing, no one in this world is better than anyone else.  If they were, they wouldn't be Earth bound.  In my little brain pan, my idea of a good person is someone who understands and accepts that the world doesn't revolve around them.  They do for other people as much or more than they do for themselves. 

Yeah I know, there's the statement about having to take care of yourself otherwise you can't take care of those around you....I agree with that only to an extent.  As soon as a woman has a baby she ceases to be her own person.  Her life now revolves around keeping the life she created healthy, happy and protected.  Only after that ground work is laid and that baby is out of the nest, does she get a sense of self back again.  That's just nature.  It's also just an example.  Maybe I make myself too much of a martyr some days, and I recognize that.  I have a temper and I'm an aggravating human being when I'm grouchy.  But I'm not going to put my children or my spouse out because I'm too weak to handle my own issues.  House and assorted family things will always take precedence over anything I need.  Period. 

Same goes for friends and people who are there for me.  It's not a competition.  I love all my people, I'm closer to some than others, but that doesn't detract from the way I feel about them or what I'm willing to do for them.  I will never demand loyalty from anyone.  It's not my place.  I don't feel I'm owed anything in this world.  If someone chooses to give their loyalty to me, so be it, I will gratefully accept it, but I won't abuse it.  That was a lesson learned when I was a child, and the same lesson held when I got divorced. 

I much prefer brutal honesty than the sugary sweet stuff most people throw around.  Those closest to me would probably be called tactless or too honest by some.  I'd rather know that someone doesn't like me because I'm kinda bitchy and irresponsible than to make up a bunch of crap just to make themselves look better.  People who sugar coat, or butter someone up so they can get what they want...it's all bullshit in the end.  No matter how pretty or yummy you make it look.  Telling folks what they want to hear is worse (in my opinion) than telling a flat out lie.  Appeasement only works on very small children and those who were only seeking appeasement in the first place. 

All that being said, I know all of this is a phase, and it's going to pass eventually.  Folks are going to pull their heads out of their asses, others will remember why they made the friends to begin with, and we'll keep going.  My only fear is how much damage is going to occur between now and then?  And how much of it will be salvageable......

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