October 04, 2012

Caged

Ever have a dream so powerful you don't forget it, even after several days?  Yeah.

 It's no secret that I'm fairly fed up with my line of work.  I'm feeling a bit mid life crisis-ish.  Well, the other morning I had a dream that I was at work and the fellas were working on something high above using the cage lift.  It's not a complicated device, it's just a 3 or 4 foot tall cage that you can use with a forklift to reach things high above with some safety.  There is a door that latches on the end. 

Ours is a bit different, but the concept is the same

In my dream I needed to get to the other side of the shop to help someone out.  For some reason, in order to get to where I needed to be, I had to go around or across this lift...which was full of my co-workers.  I chose the short route, going over it. So I climbed over the side to get in with the intention of climbing right back out the other side.  I knew full well I could get stuck in it if it started moving before I got out.  Well, it started moving, and true to dream form, there was a low ceiling/shelf/something that was only over me...the rest of the guys were free to stand in the cage with a much higher ceiling and no danger of being crushed or trapped. 

Of course it began to rise with me in it.  Just as I was about to be completely closed in it stopped.  The entire time I'd been begging, screaming for them to stop and let me out.  They never heard me.  Never even looked at me.  When it stopped, one of the guys looked at me and asked, "what did you want to do??  get out?!?".  Before I could really explain myself, my alarm went off for the 3rd time and I got up.  I didn't want to be trapped in that dream anymore. 

There have been a couple interpretations to the dream...one of them being that I got myself into something, therefore I needed to find my own way out.  This coming from the idea that I knew where the door was, but hadn't entered the cage through the door and couldn't get to it while I was inside.  Now, here's my other hinge...yes I was at work.  But was the dream about my work?  Or something else...?  Let's go with work. 
My company has been halfway bought out by the one I left.  That's not a bad thing in general.  For me though, it raises a lot of questions and what ifs.  Until things really begin rolling I won't know exactly what I'm going to do, or what's going to be done with me.

Things haven't been great these last few months, we are in a rough spot at home, trying to juggle a business, home, kids, and bills.  I know that it's not a forever situation but for right now it's damned uncomfortable.  My own little business venture has been put on hold because it's just not feasible right now.  I'm still dealing with the notion that I'm where I need to be for the moment.  Trapped, if you will.  There are plenty of good things about my work and the fact that I have a job at all, but of course there are a lot of things that I consider bad.  Mainly, the fact that it demands all my time and energy.  The commute makes sure that I have minimal time at home to get things done and be remotely social. 

Here's what I can't wrap my head around.  I have been doing this for years.  The entire time I was married this was my life.  I still managed to keep a clean house and didn't seem to neglect people the way I do now.  I worked similar or more hours.  So what's different?  I'm still getting home between 5:30 and 6 pm...I have a similar size house...  Ok, I have (sometimes) an extra child, but he's almost grown so he isn't ones that needs constant care.  We have a ton of pets, they do take up a little time, but not much.  I guess the main difference is, he works as much as I do outside the home.  Before, my ex was home during opposite hours or worked fewer hours than I did, so there was always someone home to do laundry or wipe down a bathroom.  We always had things going on on the weekends that didn't revolve around housework or work work.

Spare time creation

These days, those weekends consist of trying to keep up with chores and do all the things there is no time for during the week.  I took on some minor sewing projects...there is no telling when I will be able to finish them, I simply don't have the time.  What down time I do have...I want to relax.  I hate this.  Hobbies have become guilty pleasures that I feel really guilty doing.  I feel busier now than I ever have.

I'm ready for a change, a break, a sweet spot...something.  Work is going well, that's  bright spot, now to just get my own personal endeavors together before I completely lose my mind.  The last few months I've been too tired to think, pray, read, concentrate or anything.  I've been wracking myself with guilt because I need to be taking better care of my home instead of trying to decompress as my  honey calls it.  The way I see it, any time I spend doing something not home/child/honey related is irrelevant.  I'm having a hell of a time shaking that idea.  Thus, the trapped feeling again. 

So where's my light at the end of the tunnel???  Well, I hope every day that it's coming.





1 comment:

  1. Ok so what I think I am hearing you say (and you know you can correct me if I am wrong) is that you feel guilty for doing something for you. I know that you said more. but this is the point that really got me thinking. You HAVE to do stuff for yourself, if you do not you will continue to be miserable and you will not be as good or effective of a mom, friend or partner. I know you can call me the 'pot' & I will totally know what you mean but that is why I CAN comment on this point. When you do for you there seems to be a renewed SOMETHING inside that allows for you to do for others again. I think that we need to schedule to do something at least once a month where it is just the girls or just the couples (and get a sitter) so that we can get out of the house & be happier with ourselves so that we can be happier with the rest. Love ya and you know you can call or text me when you need to you have all of my #'s.

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