October 23, 2012

Want

That's a four letter word.  Kind of like "love"...among a few other words that usually come to mind when someone mentions that phrase.  Being raised in a strict, somewhat poor, Southern household, the word "want" became detestable.  I was taught to say instead, "I'd like to have it" and I still use that phrase to this day when asked if I want something.  My honey often asks me, when I see some flowers or a particular pretty, if I see something I need.  My answer is always the same, "No, I see something I'd like to have, but I don't need it".  There are tons of things I want, but in my head, to indicate that inclination is wrong or misguided.  There are actually times when someone expresses to me what they want, that I will get annoyed with it.  In my ears it sounds selfish regardless of how it was intended, particularly if it has to do with me personally.

That selfish notion is further reinforced when I go for something I truly want, for example the truck I drive.  Was it a wise decision at the time?  Probably not.  Yes I can afford it, but not easily, not as easily as I anticipated, but I'm making it work.  See, I get these mixed signals (mainly from the Honey) that it's ok to want something and get it for yourself.  Yet when I make snap decisions, like I'm prone to do, it comes back on me and I get horribly confused.  I have become accustomed to resigning myself to the notion that if I want it it's probably not going to happen.  I have a martyr complex that's pretty fierce.  I also have a hard time trying to figure out what I "deserve" out of life and what I don't.  Like most folks I'm my own worst critic and most definitely my own worst enemy.  One of my biggest fears is that someone will believe me to be selfish...even though we all are to a degree, it's part of being human.

There's also this nagging thing, this...guilt that washes over me the instant I get something that I wanted.  It seems like each time I do, someone else goes without.  Whether this is true or not is up to debate, but for me it's true and real enough.  I've always had buyers remorse.  I will feel good the moment I'm shopping, because I really do love to shop, but as soon as I'm done and home I feel terrible.  I start to over analyze what I got and why.  Now bear in mind, I don't spend a lot of money by any means, it could be as simply as buying a purse at Wal-Mart.  A. because I don't have a lot to spend, and B. because to do so would tear me up something fierce.  I have some guilty pleasures like good chocolate and having my nails done, but those are very low cost in comparison to some.  It's to a point now that I don't shop, I don't buy clothes for myself unless they come off a sale rack and what I have is literally too far gone to repair.

I've been having anxiety issues again lately because I'm struggling with what my honey is telling me and how he is accustomed to living vs. how I was raised and how I've been accustomed to living.  I want to believe what he says is true and ok, but there are parts that contradict everything I've ever known.  Being a Southern mom is martyrdom at it's finest.  We will put ourselves out every time to make sure our children have anything and everything they need or even want.  To have someone look at you and say, you can have that, you don't necessarily have to need it.  Get it because it makes you happy....those are foreign concepts to me.  Maybe this is one of those things that needs a moment on a couch...in our house it wasn't because it made you happy....it was because it was a necessity. 

Perhaps I'm painting too harsh of a picture of childhood and young adulthood but those are the lessons that stuck with me for some reason.  I am not very materialistic, I know how to appreciate very simple things, and I tend to give things away without much thought.  I like to think I come from practical people.  Hell maybe I can toss it back on the years with the ex, who knows at this point.  I know that each day has become a struggle of some kind for me and I'd like for that to stop.  Unfortunately it isn't as simple as just stopping whatever the thought process is or the behavior.  It's also hard not to analyze and over analyze what those around me say or do.  The words "self-destructive" have been used in reference to me for years and years.  I'm sure I am.  How to reverse that? 

Working on it boss.  One anxiety attack at a time.

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