I was told by a friend recently that I have a tendency to apologize for who I am both when I'm blogging and in daily life. This is a quality that I vehemently insist that my sister not do. I've learned in recent years she and I are very very alike in our insecurities and how we handle them. She tends to turn inward, I go all out for everyone to see. I'm never quite sure whether I'm seeking validation or simply living out loud. I like to think I'm living out loud. Some folks over the years have used the term "self destructive" in regard to me. Maybe I am or have been, either way, I'm a work in progress.
|Hindu Bridal Jewelry|
I've seen many many women this day and age who wear them because they are beautiful. It is a practice that spans from India, to South Asia, to the Aborigines in Australia. As I like to say: to each his own.
I asked Honey today if he believes me to be the same person I was 2 years ago, he promptly and firmly said no. I asked him if others who knew me then would recognize it, he said maybe. You see, there was a very tumultuous time in my life within the last 5 years. Things weren't just difficult, they were down right weird. During that weirdness I had to re-figure out who I was and what I wanted out of my life. It's taken me this long to get those things sorted out. I've made some small goals and accomplished them, and I've made some that I didn't accomplish.......yet. It's coming, and when it does I'm going to *own* it. So, these tiny little "self-victories" as I like to refer to them, are simply stepping stones or building blocks for a person that is less and less scared of growing old before her time.
I get calls often to go out and do things, sometimes I go, but most nights I am home. This is by no means a practice that I would have adhered to even 3 years ago. But, 3 years ago things were different. Life was different, I was different. For a long while now I've struggled with the notion that changing those aspects of me was being hypocritical. Now I'm seeing that it's no such thing, it's growth and contentment. I'm content to sit on my couch and play online fantasy games with good, cold beer or a good wine next to me. I like my one night out a week. I like even more that I have a fella who is willing to give me a long leash so I don't feel trapped in my life.
So, a new item to add to my list of resolutions: stop apologizing for being me. There's nothing wrong with Me. I do the best I can by those around me, I work, I play, I know my limitations and I always try. Even if I don't succeed, I still try. Adding tattoos or rings to various bits has nothing to do with a love for pain, because I, in fact, do not love pain. I do however love individuality and contentment in ones own skin; and right now sugar? I am good and content in this skin.