April 27, 2013

Transitions.

I spent the afternoon reveling with the locals and a myriad of foreigners for our first festival of the year.  The week has been so odd and surreal that I needed something to reinforce my lust for life in general.  The week itself contained the deaths of some people who were seemingly too young to go, a progressed illness in a close friend, a change in my career path, and the potential dissolve of a friendship that was fairly new.  Surreal doesn't even describe it all.  The universe has always shown me when I'm going down the correct path and when I make a life change it always encompasses so much more than I expected.  This time is no different.  Each thing that changes directly correlates to the other, for every thing I give up there is always something that comes to take it's place.  Doors opening and closing if you will.

Death = Transition


I've never been one to believe the phrase "gone too soon", or "too young  to die".  I'm not saying it doesn't make me sad to see someone young pass away, I simply believe that if they have...it was God's plan.  That probably seems hard hearted, but it's the way I feel.  I think we are put on Earth long enough to do certain tasks, we may not know what those tasks are but we do them.  Once we've completed what we needed to do we crossover to return at another time.  I have always believed in fate, reincarnation and the idea that the Gods know what they're doing.  Mourning those who pass on is a process, we need the time to grieve and remember why we loved them.  Mourning relationships is much the same, we have to have those moments of "did I do enough for that person" and "what could I have done better/differently".  I often think on my own funeral and how many people would show up...and most of all how they would remember me.  I hope I've left enough of a decent impression on enough people...and earned enough forgiveness from those I've damaged.

In the midst of praying for the souls moved on and those still here dealing with issues and illness, I'm lighting candles for myself to do what I feel is right for myself and my family.  I was never good at weeding out toxic people.  The only friends I've ever removed myself from have been for specific reasons and the split was permanent.  With anyone else I simply slid into the background and faded away and moved on.  Sometimes all it would take is time and for us to do a little growing up.  As things have progressed in my life, I've had people throw me away and I've streamlined my close people.  I've re-found old friends whom I didn't realize I never actually lost.  There are days that I feel so hypocritical, having lived such a crazy life & now I'm in the process of correcting the insane behavior.  I don't want to look down or seem to look down on those who currently live in the chaotic state I used to live in, I just don't want to be there anymore.  There are people who would have me stay in that insane world with them because it is comfortable. My life has evolved...others around me have not.  Some I can hold at arms length until the chaos passes, others I need to remove because the chaos will either take too long to pass, or it will never pass at all.

Chaos


Living the last 3 years virtually drama free have been the most thought provoking and introspective time thus far.  Having little chaos, or at best controlled chaos in my home has been a breath of fresh air.  I am happy with a simple home, my occasional nights out to sew some oats and come right back home.  This is the life I believed that I would have so many years ago.  I am different.  I am older, a little wiser and much more grounded.  My feet will never truly be on the ground, but they are at their lowest hover and I like the feeling. The Death card in Tarot has always symbolized a transition, not necessarily death itself, although death is the ultimate transition in life.  With the transition in my work life and the passing of friends I am seeing all the signs to revamp in all the areas that need cleansing.  I have a fierce martyr streak, I have learned that it works against me more than anything.  Put my heart out there, trust, love, believe in....then try to find the balance between letting go what is heavy and toxic vs. giving things a chance.  Am I acting?  Or am I reacting?  There comes a point in time when a person has to cut their losses, know when they are either beaten or simply done playing the games.  I've never been one of those women who could have friendly fights with my girlfriends and stop talking to them for a week then go back like it was nothing.  I enjoy being a simple woman, with simple life, simple friends, and the simple ability to live my life without chaos, regret or explanation.

I think the talking, typing, thinking, Tarot and today's music have given me the answers I've been struggling with.  This will be a month of changes, they will be positive ones in my life and I won't look back or justify to anyone why I am doing what I need to do for self-preservation.  This life.....will be different. I'm carving my path to being that crazy old lady at the end of the road, reading cards, planting flowers, and drinking wine in my back yard with my man.


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