May 05, 2013

Limits.

Miranda Lambert and I have gotten to be pretty good friends the last few years.  Southern women are unique in the fact that we rarely tell someone what we really think of them.  It's just not polite.  Now we'll bless their hearts till we turn blue, but until we've been pushed into a corner there's a grace period of: "let's see how far this is actually going to go before I go completely white trash on'em".  Well ya'll, I was born white trash.



Don't get your panties in a twist over the verbiage, white trash/redneck, it's sort of like calling someone in South Louisiana a Coonass.  An outsider can't call someone that, they didn't earn the right to use those words on a local.  I can call myself that because I know that my daddy worked as hard as he could for as long as he could, and my mom picked up that torch when he was physically unable.  This earned my little family a small plot of land, a single wide trailer and a myriad of trucks that got us to and fro every day.  Simple life.  Good life.  Country life.  Pleasure coming from bonfires, cold beer, dirty trucks, dirty, happy kids, Kool-aide, music on the front porch on a Friday night...you get the picture.  When anyone comes into the picture and tries to silently judge or quietly slip their opinion of how we do things into the mix, hell tends to break loose.

I've got no problem with someone believing I'm not the greatest person.  I have known far too many with that same opinion.  Fine, if that's your thought process, stay in your yard I'll stay in mine.  Don't start nothin' won't be nothin'.  I am under no circumstances obligated to share myself or my family with anyone, particularly those who believe me to be anything other than exactly who/what I am.  I'm a woman doing the best I can with what I've got.  Have I been the cause of some serious heartache over the years?  Why yes, yes I have.  I can easily admit to my mistakes, I don't mind sitting down with a drink-be it coffee or beer-and telling someone about the last few years.  I can easily admit that I gave that man a run for his money and then some.  Apparently being able to own my mistakes and admit them out loud somehow has earned me the right to be chastised further for trying to correct aspects of my life and become a person that I can be happy with.  I have discovered however, that other folks are not hip to being held to the same rules they like to hold me to.  That in itself chaps me quite a bit.  Because, by gawd, these days I'm fat and happy and gonna keep on keeping on till I get to where I want to be.

You see I was raised with the notion that two wrongs don't make a right.  (yes yes 3 rights do make a left) Basically the idea is this:  You are wronged by someone, there is an amount of anger, resentment, etc.  The natural knee-jerk reaction is to turn around and hurt that person back as much as possible.  Well, in the grand scheme of things what does that benefit?  Yes it does make a body feel good for a little while, but it's unproductive and sometimes flat out wrong.  Anger and jealousy are two mighty mighty emotions that can do a fistful of damage, sometimes irreparable.  I have a hard time sometimes figuring out if I'm reacting to something or taking the appropriate amount of time to simply act.  So, I will analyze a situation or person from every facet that I can possibly see before I make my decisions.  I've always been an analyzer but as I've gotten older that method has gotten more precise, I take my time and figure out exactly what I want or need before I make the decisions.  There are folks who do not believe that my decisions are right, well they aren't standing in my shoes.  They aren't looking at things from my perspective.  I wasn't put on Earth to please everyone, I was put on Earth to help those the Almighty puts in front of me that needs me.  Once that help is done, they move on and so do I.  I quit trying to please the masses several years ago, it has made me unpopular, disliked and looked down upon.  I'm not apologizing for protecting me and mine.



If someone can't look at themselves and at least do something similar, that isn't my problem either.  I don't appreciate those who will look me in the eye, and tell me that their life is grand and I need to make mine a mirror of it.  I like my life just fine the way it is thank you very much.  When I see something unhealthy in it, I weed it out, just like a garden.  I am hung up on the idea of "fair", always have been.  I do know that life isn't fair, but that doesn't mean I have to be ok with the notion.  What I have problem with are hypocrites and those who will pretend to love you in an effort to get what they want out of you.  I don't do false love, I don't do false apologies and I certainly don't do judgement when the judger isn't any better than the judgee.  I've got no one to impress, and only one entity to answer to:  my God(dess).  My honey, my daughter, my step-son, and my family(including non blood relations) are the first ones on the list when it comes to happiness and who I need to please.  Anyone else is going to be on the sidelines.  I blame no one for my state of being and I blame only myself for the mistakes I've made.

Let's just sit back and take a look real quick at the things I am and am not shall we?

Have been:

*an adulterer
*a wild child
*a bad friend
*self destructive
*a reluctant mama
*a reluctant wife
*selfish/self serving
*a bullshit artist

Have been and still am:

*a protective mama
*a supporter
*a hard worker
*a mini-martyr
*a lover
*a friend
*a passionate woman
*a warrior
*a redneck woman
*a spotter of bullshit
*a borderline alcoholic

Have become:

*a good mama
*a faithful wife
*a better friend
*a more spiritual person
*a protector of those in my world
*humble
*at peace with myself and my mistakes
*a caller of bullshit

There you have it.  I'm sure those lists can get more detailed but we're gonna let that ride for now.  The choices I make these days are for the good of my own well being, the well being of my child(ren) and my honey.  I don't expect anyone to like it, accept it or understand it.  It's not yours to like, accept or understand.  I'm done playing the "make everybody under the sun happy" game, time to grow up, get real and carry on.  I have never been and will never be one to apologize for things of which I am not sorry.  Two phrases, three words a piece, that I *do not* screw around with are:  I am sorry.  I love you.  If I don't mean them, I *will not* say them.  Period.  People have two options with me, take me as I am or leave me the hell alone, cause ya'll...."Ain't nobody got time fo' dat"!!






No comments:

Post a Comment