Bought a month of tanning at a tanning salon
Went on a cruise
Had a beautifully planned wedding
Spent money on clothing that I put a lot of thought & effort into
Found out who my ex really is and released him
Successfully adjusted my eating habits
Began discovering who I Am.
Watched my girl grow up into a young lady
Made new friends and let go of false ones
Found out love is not a four letter word
This year was eye opening. I walked into it believing that it would be epic. 2013, turned 36 on the 13th....I love numbers and numerology, I naturally assumed that great things were around the corner. It has been epic for reasons I could never have seen coming. There have been awakenings for me that were long overdue, or perhaps not. Perhaps it has all happened exactly as it should have. My Honey is a firm believer in allowing things to work themselves out as they will. He doesn't force anything. I tried very hard to take a page from his book and allow life and understanding to just unfold in front of me. And so it has.
I never expected to remarry, ever. I thought I was jaded enough to stay in a heart-bound, safe, arms length, relationship forever. I have been shown that I didn't have to crawl into a bottle or into a corner and just fade away believing I'm horrible. I'm still not convinced that I'm amazing, but I definitely do not believe I am a bad person anymore. I believe I am a person who has made some bad decisions and done some bad things, that does not make me bad, it makes me human. I don't believe my ex to be a bad person either, I believe him to be a selfish person who is still trying to find himself. There was never going to be anything I could do for him. I don't hate him, I don't love him, he simply....is. In case anyone couldn't tell by the not so cryptic blog posts, I found out he carried on a lengthy affair for years as well as entertaining various other women who graced his path along the way. Eye for an eye you might say. The ugly part is the depth of the double life he maintained. I can handle being cheated on, I was never much of an angel. I can't handle dragging innocent, unsuspecting folk into an already bad situation.
But, such is life. What's done is done. Once I realized that there was nothing I can do to change what happened back then, I began to heal me from the inside out. I have tried hard to keep to my new years resolution of cultivating my relationships with friends I have. So far so good on that one. I managed to change jobs, not an easy feat for me. I began working for my Honey, thankfully we have worked together in the past so it's not bad. He keeps to his office and I keep to mine. I finally went on a cruise this year, something that has been a nice idea for years, vacations for the working class are coveted and rare commodities. It was very fun and I can finally say I've been to Mexico! I had the pleasure of walking on sacred Mayan ground and climbing on an ancient temple, it was truly a spiritual experience.
|YMCA on the top of a pyramid|
Out of the crazy darkness this year has come an unlikely friendship, a snap back to reality, and a self awareness I didn't even know I was capable of. I've reclaimed a four letter word I had almost given up on: LOVE. I'm not sure who all had noticed, but I rarely ever said it. I am fond of "you too", "mm hmm", "luv ya", "mmhmmmloveyoutoo". It's become a conscious daily decision to say the words clearly and sincerely, I love you. Naturally that can only come from within. I've had my mentor, my friends, my Honey, and even my child council me, fuss at me, chat with me and help me work through the ideas of myself that have been false all this time. I can't and won't blame those images on just one person, they were a collective effort of several in my life, and it was up to me to allow them to affect me. They did indeed affect me but that ended the day I became conscious of the effect and chose to open my eyes.
The Pagans call it shadow work. Christians would call it aesthetics or penance. Basically, the idea is that you choose to take a close look at yourself. Your true self. You make peace with the dark side of you, you find what is useful in that dark side and utilize it, the rest you release. We cannot hide who we are, we can't escape from it. If we allow others to define us, that is ultimately who we become. After my divorce was finalized legally in 2011 I began serious self evaluation. This year it got shoved into overdrive with several events: my third visit to the Krewe of Apollo Mardi Gras Ball; a cruise gifted by a great friend with great people; a change in careers allowing me time with my daughter; getting remarried; and yes finding out that I truly was not the only one who had done wrong in my previous marriage. I've had a couple of friends drop by the wayside in the process of all of this, but I've gained closeness in the friends who remained. Those may not sound like life changing experiences, but to a woman who believed herself to be a heinous, undeserving thing, those are huge. I allowed myself to have a good time and make the most of each of those moments. The last one has been the most earth shaking. There has been the gain of an ally, a potential friend, and at the very least someone who can corroborate the fact that I was never the catalyst and that yes, mental abuse did take place.
I can finally say, I am very happy and mean every word of it. This blog ended up with a lot of angry posts. I already have a firm plan in mind for January of next year. Self awareness in hand, a new chapter opens up and this one closes. If I have a low moment or a slip, there are always Miranda Lambert songs!
I hope everyone has a beautiful holiday season!!! xxoo