Fitness. It's everywhere. It's a dirty word for some and a lifestyle for others. I've read blogs and posts from women my size and otherwise defending their right to be who they are and they size they are. Many are defensive at the mention that they perhaps are not doing enough or do not have the "proper" body type. This raises questions with me...it causes me to think: "she who protests the loudest....". We often protest the idea that we could be wrong or actually not doing enough. I do this as much as anyone else. I don't like for someone to put it to me that I actually *can* do more, be more, go farther, work harder. I remember before I was enlisted I didn't believe what the recruiters and doctors told me. I was only about 10 lbs over my "ideal weight" back then, but to them...I was fat. A whopping 145 lbs at 5'3". About 3 months ago I realized I was 100 lbs over that.
|Kuwait. circa 2003|
|Me. circa 2006|
Last month I had enough. I had enough trying to convince myself that I didn't "look that big", or that the wheezing at night was normal. Three panic attacks and a diagnosis of costochondritis later, I realized that the next time....it might actually be a heart attack. Not to mention, I'm vain. Like, really vain. I HATE not looking good. I can't stand the idea that I have gotten so lazy that I can't look in a full length mirror. This isn't self "fat shaming", nor is it a rejection of "loving the body I'm in". This is reality. I have terrifyingly high cholesterol, I mean high, even at a good weight. Prior to the Corps the only time I ever had to work at my weight was after I'd given birth. I managed to lose the first 30 lbs on my own, the rest fell off while I trained to join up. I joined at 142, by the end of bootcamp...I was 123. Once I was out of the corps I continued my little personal program and kept most of the weight at bay, I wasn't in the 120's or 140's anymore...but I was quite happy with how I looked then. I had curves but everything was balanced out.
|Honey and me, October 2013|
Maybe I can't do squats or lunges, but I can do yoga. Maybe I can't run on pavement but I can kill an elliptical or a glider. I'm not afraid to lift weights because I know women don't get big, we get shapely with weights. We don't produce enough testosterone to get big. Maybe I can't kick the coca-cola habit...but I can cut them out to certain days of the week and make them smaller. And the one thing that helps me, not so little Liz, stay on track...is my man. Yes he does the sweet thing of telling me I'm pretty like I am, BUT. He does not tell me I don't need to lose weight, he does not bull shit me, and he never tells me or indicates to me that I shouldn't improve myself. Does he want to see me back at 123? No. Not even close. But does he want a pretty, curvy, confident woman next to him? A resounding Yes. He met me 30+ lbs ago, and he liked that woman he met just as much as he likes me now.
Am I aiming to lose 100 lbs? Not necessarily. I am aiming for 50-60, after that...we'll see how it goes. The first steps are in place. The mindset is being worked on every single day and I have some great cheerleaders in my corner. The hard part is understanding that it won't be fast, it took 10 + years to put it all on...it will take a long while to get it all off. But it *will* come off. Being patient and keeping that positive mind are very very hard when you have set backs. I'm patient, but my patience isn't perfect and I have a huge issue with understanding that I am not the woman I was at 26. My metabolism is different, I'm fighting joint problems, and I have much more to remove than I did then. I pushed myself all the month of December and I did see results by New Years. That made me feel amazing and has given me incentive to do just as well or better for January. One month at a time.