July 24, 2014

Dwelling vs. Sorting

It's been mentioned by a couple folk that I seem to be dwelling on my past a little too much.  I guess by writing about certain things, getting them out of my head and down where I can sort through them isn't something everyone understands.  For the last year or so I've had some great but odd changes happen.  It's taken some time and effort to wrap my  head around it all.

There is nothing about this life that is like the one before it.  Not one thing.  I've changed jobs-went from outside to inside-so to speak, I've gotten remarried-scary scary move, and I've gone back to college-something never before considered. I live on the opposite side of town, I live with a new mate, a new/old set of friends, my social life is different, my personal belief structure has been reaffirmed, my life is stable....etc etc etc.  There are little things that are different:  I still keep a clean house, but it's not spotless like it used to be (change).  I cook about as much but put way more thought into it because I have time to do so (change).  I am the one going to my daughters school functions (change).  Honey works more that me (change).  There are multiple pets about my house (change).  Really, the only things that remain constant are the way I take care of my daughter and my husband.  I have always been one who fixes her husbands plate and brings it to him.  I always make sure they are taken care of before me, that's just how it is.

Sorry for the redundancy but this is a profound subject for me.  I wasn't expecting all this.  It's been very pleasant for the most part, it's been rocky, but pleasant.  There are days, however, when the past creeps in and I miss certain aspects of that old life or I'm trying to make sense of this one.  That's when my thoughts get crowded, that's when I start to remember and perhaps even dwell.  There continue to be moments when I am looking at an action and wondering why it's happening.  If Honey does a particular something for me, there are still times when I'm just dumbfounded...his response is "because I love you"...my brain is trying to rationalize this.  Based on my prior experience, love is conditional.  It's really sort of pathetic when you still inherently expect negative responses for every day decisions.  These are things I'm trying to sort through.  Upon finding out about Ex's extra-curriculars, there were so many questions answered.  So many gaps filled in, behaviors explained, money losses explained...constant learning, discovering, understanding, getting mad, getting happy, and being caught in a whirlwind.  It was a bit of a Pandora's Box and it reset the clock on the "get over it" stage.

A divorce can be compared to an addict becoming sober.  With a change in life(style) there comes a hail storm from members of the old crowd.  The ones still using, still clinging, still playing the same messy games.  They look at the one who got out and call that person every name in the book.  There's always one who's wrong, no matter what evidence shows up later to prove that the other was just as wrong (or more-so) than the one who took the brunt of it all.  We're all victims of something.  Some of us just deal with it better.  Some of us also have a hard hard time with the fact that life is unfair, and there is nothing we can do to change that.  There will never be recompense for any wrongs done to me or the others involved in my travesty of a first marriage.  I've given up hope for that.  I've also given up feeling any guilt for any actions of my own.  Thankfully, I was bred from women with very thick skins, capable of bearing the weight of every stone thrown at them.  As it goes with stoning, the ones throwing are typically projecting their fears and sins onto the target.

The point is, I'm not dwelling on anything, because....well, there's nothing left to dwell on.  I'm simply trying to figure out how to live in a world that is so very different than the one I came from.  This world has good people, people with drive, class, manners, and couth.  This ones got men who work themselves to the bone for grateful women who rear good mannered, grateful children.  They don't make themselves into victims or invent things to make themselves look better.  This world is free of petty, ignorant drama and free of those who would put children in the middle of petty things.  There are folks who ask "why" when a situation occurs, instead of making assumptions and running with them.  I can't say it's devoid of users, because those exist everywhere, but they are far easier to spot and far easier to avoid here.  (maybe that last bit is just because my eyes are wide open)  Is it perfect?  Not all the time.  But it's perfect for me.  If I choose to look back and mourn a lost friendship, or want to rage at some injustice, so be it.  It's momentary, fleeting, it passes as quickly as it happens.  Most times it's to sit back and say, "what the hell was I thinking??"

Unfortunately divorce is very similar to a death.  It doesn't take a day to get over losing someone or several someones.  I've discovered that anyone from the former life that is jealous in any way will find something to crow about, even if it means invention.  In the meantime, those of us who've made it out alive will keep our husbands close, our children closer, and make sure the drama addicts and fishwives stay on the dock where they belong.

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