August 09, 2015

Reality

A couple of my people have mentioned of late that my Facebook posts have been less than....jolly.  I'm not a constant presence there.  I post, or share a nifty article but mostly I just run around "liking" other peoples posts or commenting on various things.  It stopped being a thing for me a long while back, but I keep going back because that's where most of my people are.  I chat with friends that don't live nearby and get bits of info on things from time to time.

The thing is...I'm not a particularly jolly person.  I'm cynical, pessimistic, and a bit hard-hearted.  The face I put on every day is not a true reflection of what's going on inside me most days.  I've posted lately that I'm just tired of humanity in general and that I'm over living where I live.  All of that is absolutely true.  The followups are attempts at pulling myself out of the irritation and pessimism that I typically live in.  I have to actively try to see the good in anything or anyone.  I don't believe humans are inherently good, and I do believe we live in a free for all world...only the strong survive.  Is that a jacked up way to think?  Yeah probably, but that's how it is.  In my short life thus far, I've witnessed as much ugly (or more) as I have good.  Just in the last couple of years I've had a front row seat to see Honey be emotionally eviscerated by the one person in his life who should protect him no matter what.  It's disgusting.

I've lived in a city for 20 years as of this month.  It's made me overly cautious, distrustful, jumpy...the list could go on forever.  My goals for my one and only child failed a long long time ago.  I ended up a working mom (never the plan), divorced (really never the plan), and adjusting to a life that I have a hard time wrapping my head around most days.  I've watched this little city grow and change over the years, but because I wasn't raised here...all I've ever seen is a big city.  I wasn't around for the days when the outskirts were 10 miles in from where they are now.  As time has passed it's only gotten bigger, traffic has gotten more ignorant, and people have gotten more rude.  I do understand that no matter where I live, it won't be paradise.  I get it.  There will always be something that isn't quite perfect about life anywhere.  Or if it is close to perfect, there will be something to ruin that perfection.  I'm just over the city dwelling.  I don't have the disposition for it anymore.

City life and in-laws aside, if I expose myself as the not so happy cynical thing that I am, folks get a bit...twitchy.  My entire life, Liz was not supposed to be unhappy...for any reason.  I smile easily and exude a generally pleasant disposition.  What most people didn't/don't understand is that disposition was carefully controlled with booze for years!  That booze has been replaced with a series of herbs that keep me in check.  Herb(S)...with an "S".  (I don't smoke and have no intention of starting.)  Without those aides...I'm not a great person to be around.  (thanks life, hormones, and military)

I work, I play, I do my best to keep things on an even keel.  Honey and I have a lot of stresses, we maintain the best we can given the circumstances of our life together.  In general, yes I am happy.  My life is good, my health and that of my family is good, I have good friends, and my child is safe and smart.  The battles we fight everyday are not so bad in the grand scheme of things...but they are still our battles.  I still get short tempered when I have to fight the throng to get out of my neighborhood at any given hour during the day.  I will get pissy and irritated when I see some injustice done to any one person that I love...regardless of who it is causing the harm.  Getting friction from my Ex is always going to piss me off more than I can describe.  Some things can't be overlooked and smoothed over.  And sometimes...dammit I just want to be pissy.  Hell, everyone else is allowed...why am I any different?

If the truth falls out of my brain onto a web page...take it with a grain of salt.  That's all I can tell you.  There are days it's too hard playing the game and keeping the bullshit inside.  Sometimes all those things hit at one time and I just want to scream and break shit....and sometimes I scream and break shit.  (sorry little computer table)

But as long as I have the ability to get away, see something green, I'm OK.  This weekend found my girl and I a roller derby bout and a day at a pretty little lake in the country.  I do look at the simple pleasures and I do make an effort to focus on them.  In the meantime, remember...just 'cause she's smiling, doesn't mean she's bright and shiny inside.

Also:  meme making is a FAN-FREAKIN'-TASTIC outlet.


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