July 18, 2016

Censoring the motion

I know I'm off my game quite a bit.  I used to post every month, usually twice therein.  I'd like to use the excuse that school and grief have really taken me down but that's not entirely true.  Yes grief did play a roll.  When my dad passed away I found a little hole in my soul that I had to take a minute to let heal.  Art school is demanding, I'm not even going to pretend it's not, but it doesn't permeate everything and I did take this summer off.  Truth be told I've had a hard time putting it all out there these days.  

This was my outlet...my place to lay it all down.  In the beginning I didn't think I had more viewers than a couple friends who basically already knew I'm a headcase.  I noticed over time that I had a few more than that.  It didn't bug me...it's kind of like going to Catholic confession...as long as you don't see who you're spilling it to, it's OK.  I was good till one of my friends called me out because I made her feel bad in a particular post.  That wasn't my intention, my intention was to be able to openly vent and be heard, even if it was strangers who heard me and perhaps were able to connect.  I've never had the delusion that my blog would save someone or help bring them insight or closure.  I do hope however that someone out there in a similar situation knows they are not alone in this crazy world.  We are all in this mess together.  And this is...in fact...my spot.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  

So things are scary right now.  Like for reals.  I've slipped into a nice little comfy anxiety fueled, depressed state that is getting harder to shake.  You see, my Honey took over his family's business a few years ago.  Because he is the executor of his grandmother's estate he has been handed all the responsibility and none of the authority.  There have been days that we don't know if the business is going to make it, there have also been days we are swimming in the deluge.  It's literally feast or famine.  We are either both able to collect paychecks and pay bills, or we can do nothing of the sort.  There is no in between.  It is the most stressful thing I've (we've) ever faced.  He and I have only been together for a little while.  There are days I question my decisions and wonder if packing up my child and running wouldn't have been the wisest thing I could ever do. 

You want to know what's the worst thing divorce does to a person?  It permenantly gives them the idea that there's a way out.  If it can happen once, it can happen again.  You begin to check the exits and make fragmented mental plans.  For me personally, it doesn't help that my relationship with the ex shattered my faith in love years before we split up.  

So. What keeps me clinging?  The idea that love exists.  The ultimate fear of epic failure.  I want to be an epic person, do a great thing, change the world.  But being a twice over divorcee is not the way to be epic.  In my humble little opinion, it would just make me that much more pathetic.  

So.  In the grand scheme of crap that rolls around in my brain, these are the most common ones:  

**I couldn't finish college the original round, I flunked out and got married.
**I couldn't hold my original marriage together, we failed each other and I had no choice but to start over an show someone else how completely messed up I am. 
**No matter how hard I tried not to make a child with that man, I did.  Now I have to reconcile the idea that she watches what I do and (heaven forbid) looks up to me. 
**I've tried twice to have my own personal business to free me from the drudgery of working for someone else...that is hanging by a thin thread and has taken a 20 year friendship with it.  
**If I screw up this marriage or don't finish this round in college or not hit the goal Honey and I have in the works to strengthen our personal situation....I'm fairly certain that will be the straw that sends me back into a bottle of whiskey...

 I know that life doesn't go the way we plan it.  Trust me.  I KNOW that.  I also know I'm supposed to learn to go with the flow, trust God/Gaia/universe's plan.  That is far harder than it seems, especially when you're knocking on 40's door and you've never in your life made a single, solitary goal you've ever set.  Not. One.  At best it makes a person whine about what all they never got.  At worst it makes them feel like the most epic failure the world has ever known.  The thing I hear the most is people talking about the girl I've raised these last 16 years.  The girl that ex abandoned to live his footloose and fancy free life.  Sure he pays his little child support and comes down once a year or so...but he doesn't have to worry about babysitters, or boys coming to the door, or which friend at school isn't the best example.  Hell, maybe that was his way of forcing me to straighten up.  Maybe that jerk planned it out.  (yeah right, even I know I'm reaching on that one)  I've been told that she's this amazing person because of me.  I don't see it.  I really don't.  As a small child I wasn't there, so for most of her formative years she had family members, day cares, and schools to mold her.  All I've been able to do is fill in the gaps and correct where they tried to lie to her.  

People tell me that I should look at what I have accomplished.  OK. 

I have helped Honey rebuild a business and come as close as we ever will at bringing it back from literally nothing.  
I'd like to think I've shown him and his son that not all women lie to get what they want. 
I take care of a small ark of animals, some of which were rescues or throwaways.  
My teenage, public schooled child doesn't drink or act out.
I went back to college 20 years after being out and I haven't quit yet.
I have a baby...right at the moment in my life that having babies is over.  Yeah it's a kitten...but he's my baby-that I chose. 
I'm not a full fledged alcoholic.  I still have those days and moments where I'm barely hanging on...but I'm hanging on.

This life...this existence...has been a trial.  I don't know how well I'm doing in it, but I'm still fighting.  For the most part I've forgiven the ex and the fake friends I had back then.  None of them are worth the continued effort anyway.  I'm still working on forgiving myself for helping to destroy my marriage.  I don't think I'll ever not regret it, but I can move past hating it at least.  I'm pretty sure I believe Honey when he tells me he loves me, I still don't know why he does...but I believe it.  I guess it's not completely horrible if my daughter turns out a little like me...as long as she leaves out all the self destructive bits.  

As for the other relationships in my life?  All I can say is this.  This is my safe zone.  I bitch about my ex, Honey's ex, friends from way back who were assholes...but I never put their names here.  Anyone who is close already knows the story anyway.  Everyone else, well, it's not important who did what.  All that's important is that if they are in the same situation, the feel like they have a comrad at arms.  If the one person that I probably *should* have called out by name or reference told me never to censor myself--then someone who claims to love and respect me should tell me the same.  I'm not here to make anyone else feel great.  I'm here for my own mental health.  I'm here to get the shit out of my anxiety and depression ridden brain so that I don't drive my husband or family away from me.  I'm here so that I don't drown myself if a large, beautiful bottle of Jack Daniels.  If it offends, I sincerely apologize, but I won't censor what is keeping me sane.  

The prettiest little cat face ever.

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