September 15, 2016

Brutal Reality

I've always been more pessimistic than optimistic, I used to call it realism, but I did eventually learn the art of seeing things for what they are.  When Ex and I were together he'd make mention that I was too meek or didn't stand up for myself enough, he'd tell me that I needed to say "no" more often.  It took me many years to do it and become comfortable with it.  Far too much worry about stepping on toes.  Too much worry about making someone angry or having them perhaps not like me.  After many years and many bad decisions, I realized that people are going to not like me even if they were a friend of mine.  People change and there's nothing any of us can do about it.

When he left the learning process started over, stripping that meek side of me became a priority.  When the era ended with my first husband, people around me, friend and foe, all demanded answers to questions.  When I say demanded, I mean they held my feet to the fire until they got what they truth is what they got.  Brutal, ugly truth.  It hurt but it was necessary.  I had to apologize and atone for things I did, and somethings I didn't do--think Germany a'la WW2.  The irony is though, the kinds of people who would make such a demand of me has never given back the same.  Things have happened of late that I have every right to demand explanations, apology, and atonement--everything that was ever demanded of me.  But I don't make that demand because I know I won't get it.  Maybe I was wrong for bowing my head and admitting fault.  Maybe I should have stood tall and looked ex and everyone else in the eye and stuck to my story.  That's what he did, that's what others in my life are doing right now.  I'm supposed to "be the adult, take the high ground and just get over it".  I will get over it in my own time, but that doesn't keep me from being hurt and angry.  History being what it is, the one or two that I've bothered to even attempt to extract some form of retribution, they refused, regardless of how wrong they may have been.  I'm not so naive to believe this time would be any different.  Maybe the inherent difference apologies were sincere...maybe people don't humble themselves because they don't believe they are wrong and can't sincerely beg forgiveness.   

People have demanded so much from me that I hold nothing back anymore.  NOTHING.  I try to make it not be tactless but it is honest.  You ask a question, I'm giving you the answer, no sugar added.  This habit of mine is part of what caused the recent upset.  I didn't cater to someones will and sugarcoat how I felt.  Even Honey isn't super fond of the candor, he finds it rude even if it's delivered in a not as harsh way.  Other people just get completely bent out of shape when their own behavior is given back to them.  I have an extraordinarily thick skin now because people have beaten on me for so many years.  Criticism in any form is a hard pill to swallow.  It can be cleverly masked in the Southern "bless your heart", or it can be tossed at you like a hot potato that you don't want to catch.  I learned to take it and instead of getting butt-hurt about it, I try very hard to analyze what I did or said and how I can adjust for later.  There's this rule that exists in regard to how we react to people:  basically, if everyone around you in various walks of life are all assholes...the problem most likely isn't them.  The problem is the common denominator.  You.  

I won't stop being candid.  I won't stop demanding the same from others.  I will work on delivery ('cause I know I'm not the most eloquent).  While getting divorced was traumatic, it was also liberating.  I have discovered more of myself and what I'm capable of in the last 7 years than I ever thought possible.  I know when I need to adjust myself.  Sometimes those lessons are not happy ones but the truth is not always easy to swallow.  As it's said:  the truth hurts.  But it's necessary.  Sometimes you have to recognize and accept the fact that sometimes you're the asshole.  Being defensive because it's been pointed out solves nothing, in fact, it only makes it all worse.  With the lack of honest apology, comes the fracture of trust.  For people who are over protective of themselves trust is already a hard concept.  When one major confidence is broken it sets off a chain reaction within that persons entire world.  The thought process is basic:  "if this person could do this to me...then anyone else in a similar capacity will do the same."  The repair work starts all over while loved ones stand by and catch the brunt of someone else's crime.  

Juuuuust when I thought things were calming down and leveling....some idiot has to come along and jack it all up.  And for once, I didn't do a damn thing wrong.  Go figure.  

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