December 14, 2016

2016

So yeah.  This year.  To say the least, it's been less than glamorous...and we still have 2 weeks to go.  I don't want to jinx it anymore than necessary.

One more semester down, three to go, 2 classes at a time till it's over.  I'm not terribly excited about the nit picky way it's going but that's just because I'm impatient and I want to be finished.  I have some amazing projects lined up for this month and I'm very excited about them.  Now to just put tool to metal and I'll be OK.

It's been a long strange trip.  So many things ended this year.  I don't want to say "lost" because I'm not sure anything or anyone really was lost.  I think that for the world and individuals, it's simply been the end of an era.  The baby boomers did lose many of their icons this year, it's been rough for celebrities.  Friendships have taken strange turns or fizzled out altogether, relationships have been started and ended with a strange fluidity.  Work has been strange as well, while the economy is still down, things aren't completely dead in the water, everything is kind of in stasis.

I think that's the best word I can choose right now.  Stasis.  Nothing is progressing.  Nothing seems to be regressing, in spite of all the change...we just seem to be...floating.  Waiting.  Even politically, things are just...waiting.  Britain did it's weird little split from the rest of the EU, we've got a weird new president coming, and no one knows exactly how this is going to all work.  It literally could go either way.  Things could decline fast and hard, or things could take a nice upswing.  It feels like the world is holding it's breath.

Some things I do know, things I am certain of in my own world:
I'm not mourning any losses this year.  Yes a few people are gone from my life, but looking back I realize that many of them weren't integral.  The one or two that were...well, I'm too old to force relationships that don't work.  People change.  We grow apart and that's just how life works out.  If you look back on a situation and see that it was bad from any point, it's OK to walk away.  It's alright to take care of yourself.
 I'm trying hard not to hide behind myself anymore.  If this year has been a slate cleaner, then consider it smooth.  It's high time I accepted some facts about myself-good and bad-and run with them.  It's time to stop explaining myself and my actions and simply...do.  I'm not used to being that way so this is going to be a test in personal patience.
I'm kind of good at some things and that's OK to admit.  It's OK that I'm good at something other than shipping & receiving or data entry.  I'm allowed to grow.

I guess I've come to the end of my own era.  I thought that had happened when the ex left but that was just the beginning stage.  That wasn't MY era, that was OUR era, he and I together as one.  I've noticed things and people that were signature parts of us are what seem to have fallen away over the years.  I've lost, sold, given away, or burned most of what we collected while we were together. Save only what I kept to give to the Girl as mementos.  Immediately after I was discharged from the military and we came home, things were stolen from me that held some pretty intense memories.  Over time more things were lost or given away.  Then when he took his leave, I gave, sold, or burned anything that was left.  I have almost nothing that reminds me or links me to that life.  Even people.  There were certain people that were an active part of our life then, whether we saw them regularly or they simply played a major role in some way.  All of those people have fallen by the wayside in some form or fashion.  The old friend I lost this year was one of those.  She was never really a part of my life without him.  The last couple of years yeah...but it was so strained and so weird (at least for me) that it felt off or wrong somehow.  Maybe I'm just searching for any justification otherwise it would hurt more than it does.

Do I need to keep referring back to the ex?  It seems like I always do.  I guess it's habit.  The three adult years I spent before meeting him and the subsequent years after he left...I was not and have not been anything like I was when we were together.  So I guess with his elimination from the equation...becoming myself (again)...I had to finish the purge.  Thus:  My End of an Era.  Or.  The beginning of one?  *and the light bulb comes on* dammit, maybe it wasn't an ending at all!

Forgive me, I get thoughty in the cold weather and this is something I haven't been able to put a finger on.  You know when you have things tumbling around and you don't even realize they're there? Yeah.  Anyways.  I do sincerely hope next year is better in every regard.  I hope that all the changes, political ones, strategic ones, monetary ones, etc...I hope they are prosperous for the entire world.  I believe the Lord and Lady know what they're doing, so now all we need to do is trust and wait.



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