May 18, 2017


I've been trying to 5 months to get this written out.  I've erased.  Deleted.  Changed text and title repeatedly.  I don't know where to start or what to say.  Do I mention that I didn't color my hair for the first 3 months of the year?  It was natural walking into this year?  Like a rebirth?  Do I mention that this semester of school was neither good nor was just, there?  Do I mention that the trials so far have been rough but manageable?

We are indeed in a time of change.  The world itself and in my own little home.  Without going into too many personal details, our household has been hit with some major medical whirlwinds in the last 9-10 months.  My sweet Girl has a definitive reason for her tiny-ness, she will need medical monitoring for the rest of her life.  Honey has followed suit with some common but life changing ailments of his own.  Like I said, rough but manageable.  Getting into my own crap is a whole other ballgame.  I won't get in to my physical health, but it would make certain folks happy to know I'm not only going to one doc but two for my happy little anxiety ridden mind.  When the question came up as to why it's been so long between visits to mental health I was brutally honest (as is my way these days).  The last 2 doctors they sent me to were not great, one was a bully who shouldn't have been seeing veterans, the other was nice but ineffectual.  Why go and waste my time and theirs if it's not helping?  Anyhoo.  Getting things dealt with.

So now what?  Does this mean it's reinvention time again?  Or is that happening without conscious effort this time?  I don't know anymore, I've kind of been on autopilot for the last several months.  I haven't had time to think about much more than how my household is going to remain stable, or if the business is doing well enough to keep it's head above water.  That's what happens when you have something in your life that is more important than yourself.  You forget for a moment that you personally need anything, you do what is necessary to maintain what's around you:  the people or the life.  That's a good reason this semester wasn't spectacular for me, the creativity simply wasn't there.  It's very hard to concentrate on a project when you have literally a dozen other things weighing on your mind.

I'm not immune to stress, if anything I'm used to it.  I am tired though.  I guess it's like the movie Zombieland, try to find pleasure in the little things and just keep pushing forward in hopes of finding the one monster free place left on Earth.

One thing I know for sure is that I don't want middle age to drag me down into it's pits the way I've seen it do so many others.  Moms hit the wall with kids still hanging on, dads hit walls with dead end jobs that were supposed to be build up careers.  We get divorced, we have midlife crises, we suffer empty nest, we aren't as strong or as fast as we used to be, we hit turning points.  We fight uphill battles and either take the hill or we fall backward broken and defeated not sure where to go next. Either way we come out a little beaten up.  Well, it's a little known fact that I'm a fighter...sometimes brutally so.  Maybe my lesson right this minute is to direct that fighting nature into what's going on and take the damn hill.  Yeah.  It's exhausting...but really, what choice do I have?  I'm not fond of being pushed into corners or forced to do's very hard to see any of these developments as opportunities.  In a couple corners I can see where the changes will be beneficial, but for every benefit there will be a sacrifice.  And they aren't the kind of trade offs that you can look at and ask if it's worth it...this is what it will be, take it or leave it.  This isn't pessimism, it's reality.  I know how to find the bright spot in things, but if the only bright spot is rusted, guess what, it's rusted.  Case closed.

I guess I'm still bitter over a certain "you get what you give" comment from last year.  Yeah, I know we get back what we put into the universe.  Oddly enough, statements like that are made by people who have enough.  I sincerely wish all the good things I'd done prior to my husband being hospitalized would have magically given us the ability to have affordable insurance before he ended up where he was.  The universe doesn't work that way.  You make do with what you have, you cut corners, you file paperwork that you never thought you'd ever have to fill out and you leave it up to that universe.  And yes, a blessing will happen, but it will come by way of trade off.  Again...that's what it will be, take it or leave it.  So you grab that little blessing and you cling to it for all it's worth and go home and say ok, we can make things work with X instead of Y & we'll throw Z out the window cause we never really use it anyway.  As grateful as a person can be for that one little bit, there will be some kind of stress induced anger at the the trade off.  There will be "why us, why now, why this, just....WHY".

The answer doesn't always come.  Sometimes the answer is, this is where you need to be right now.
**deep breath**  ok.  Then let's get it on and over with.

One brutal truth for this year:  I don't have time to worry about what's good for the rest of the country right now.  My husband and my daughter, in my house, in my little dinky town, on our little income have been and will suffer at the hands of any insurance decisions made by any government agency.  Period.  I have family members dealing with similar problems.  It won't matter how I ask a senator to vote or not vote, the existing system doesn't benefit my family, immediate or extended, and the incoming one looks like it won't either.  So you tell me, if you were in my shoes, would you support something that does you and yours no good?  Or would you direct your attention where it is most needed and hope for the best outcome?

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