July 12, 2017

Tending wounds

Gotta keep a wound clean in order for it to heal....

Let me paint a picture: A young woman meets a young man.  They hit it off, he's funny, she's a little weird but they seem to work.  She doesn't mind hanging out with him but it's not exactly what she was looking for.  She follows her heart anyway and falls for the line "every girl wants a guy like me but never me."  Then the red flags start.  Accusations thrown at him by old friends, nothing formal is ever addressed...it's just a messy fight between what used to be friends.  He swears his innocence and she believes him.   Later on as they became serious and began discussing living arrangements, she is informed of a white collar-esque minor crime for which the interesting young man was found guilty.  His probation would be in effect for a long while affecting her should they move in together.  Yet another red flag ignored.  They move in together and soon marry, his burdens become hers.  As they carry on over time she ignores the questions from friends and family about his attitude toward her and life in general.  She make excuses and doesn't bother the friends who don't come by anymore because they really don't want to be around him.

A child is created after a year or so, they fall into financial hardship even though they both work.  They both give up any dreams of finishing college and try to make it all work.  It doesn't.  She hits a wall, goes to find the one job she is sure will fix all the problems.  It doesn't.  But it does provide her young husband the ability to go back to school or work as much or as little as he wants to.  He never goes back to school and yes...works as much or as little as he wants.  She is by no means a martyr, but by this point she's just broken and blind.  The money never seems to be enough, no matter what they do.  The red flags turned into red streaks after a while so she lashes out in her own destructive ways.  They try to fix the broken-ness of it all.  They fail.  He leaves.  He strips from her her share of their last tax return that should have been jointly filed.  Her ignorance and shame prevent her from fighting it.  By the time she realizes something could be done and is bold enough to attempt...it's too late.  She pays for the entire divorce.  She pays his court fees and makes sure there is nothing left connecting her to that life.  Nothing that will ever prevent her from moving forward in life.  She watches years later, when he is held accountable for the support of his child, he again manages to claim a tax year that should have been hers.  She didn't think to fight for it the day of, there is nothing she can do about it.

After she has moved on and accepted that her failed marriage was her fault, she discovers he is not the good and faithful spouse he always maintained that he was and that she believed him to be.  His skeletons fly out of his closet like ghosts at Hallowe'en.  He carefully avoids those topics, never confirming nor denying.  Never apologizing or admitting fault.  Years go by.  They both have successfully moved on, new commitments, new lives.

scene change

 Now, how amazing would it be to leave your past behind you, all the woe, stress, and worry, any and all ill feelings behind and go reinvent yourself in a place with no expectations?  Nothing follows you but a little debt that is quickly dealt with.  You get your dream apartment, the one you talked about all the time in college, dinner out and your chosen entertainment whenever you want them...all at the low low cost of a couple hundred dollars a month and a handful of phone calls to keep those back home happy, just enough to stay in good grace.  Little white, not-exactly-lies begin to manifest once you get to where you can reinvent yourself.  You feed the ones you attempt to care about a couple lines about it not being permanent and then make it permanent.  You find the perfectly damaged mate, the one who will buy that same tired line, "they all leave me", that person takes you in, spends their dime on you, and gives you the ability to build the rest of that dream.  You don't have to do a thing but keep up another facade.  Make them feel special once in a while, make them believe your mildly abusive behavior is the product of that past you don't talk about.  **maintain air of mystery**
Seriously, how amazing would that be????  All your responsibilities done, managed, over.  All that's required of you is to say the right things to the right people and maintain your facade, and BOOM.  All of life tied up in a neat little bow.

People who are more than the average narcissist all have certain traits:

They lack empathy and typically don't have a strong conscience.
They really believe they are never wrong and harbor no guilt for mistakes.
They are preoccupied with fantasies of epic success or romance.
They believe themselves to be better than those around them, more intelligent and special.
They are very arrogant and often charismatic, believing everyone likes them the most.

There is an all knowing, highly educated, incredibly witty renaissance man out there buying his way into his child's heart because he has no idea what else to do.  Still using.  Still belittling.  Still avoiding the truth of what was.

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