Scars

It's been so long since I made this a regular thing, I have almost forgotten how to spill it.  Something in the last year or two flipped in me that made me not want to type anything out.  Kind of a self censorship because I began telling myself that I shouldn't be putting all the things out there the way I have in the past.  Then it hit me in the last 24 hours that when I was typing the BS out of my head, it was much easier to manage.  It's irrelevant to me if anyone else reads it, it was always about clearing the cobwebs out of my own head.  So why'd I stop?

We're still tending wounds as the year winds down.  Wounds of all sorts and kinds: physical ones, mental ones, internal and external.  There are going to be some lasting impressions once all of this dies down.  If last year was a roller coaster, this year must be a drop ride.  Ya know the ones, they take you way high in the air, let you think you're safe and then suddenly it lets go and your heart stops when the ride does just before you touch the ground.  Yeah.  That's a good description of the last 10+ months.  Heart stopping, eye opening, fear and anger inducing moments in time.

I've seen more of a hospital this year than I ever care to see again any time soon.  Since the original issue back in February, Honey's health took a bad turn and it's been an uphill battle thus far.  Strangely enough between running there, keeping up with classes, taking care of my not so little one, I haven't had time to dwell on old or unnecessary things.  I guess that's good right?  I've been on autopilot for the vast majority of it all, acting and reacting according to each moment.  There's always a crash that happens after a while though.  I never could maintain that kind of momentum without falling at some point and my reaction is typically pretty horrible.  And as the classic story goes:  when everything is falling apart, that's when someone wants something from you.  The ex, of course, has to show up and try to push his will and way into the mix right when that's the very last thing I need on my plate.

Mini-vent:  He fucking bought her the cheapest trashy car that he could find so he would look like a hero!  Brought it here, paid for the registration, gave it to her....and left.  Literally, drove it down, dropped it off, made a big show of taking pictures, stayed the night...and left.  That's it.  Hey kid, daddy bought you a car!!  Bye.  Hooray for added insurance expense when we are struggling to keep afloat with new medical issues throughout the house.  Hooray for a car that's almost 20 years old that leaks like a sieve.  Yeah, he may have driven it from 4 states away but she won't be leaving the tri-parish area in it.  #fatheroftheyear  And why bother seeing your child for your week long holiday visitation right?  Just have her around for the day of the holiday and the travels days.  I guess being a highly educated gym rat is more important than interacting with the only child you're aware of having.  

Sorry, I just needed to get that out.  

Woosaaahhh.  The holidays are supposed to bring about the thankful attitude and help us remember what is important in life.  Well.  I'm grateful my husband is whole (somewhat) and getting better every single day.  I am thankful for the bits of family and friends around me who have checked in and helped out, whether it was to chat/vent or to wash dishes and make sure my kid got fed.  I'm grateful things are not so bad that they aren't manageable, just really uncomfortable.  I'm grateful that I am the kind of person who can take all of these challenges and keep pushing through them.  Heaven knows there have been evenings that I've sat in my truck and considered how much fuel I had, how much money I had, and how far it would all get me.  At this point, I don't know if it's strength, stupidity, or self sabotage that's holding me in place, but I'm here.  What I do know is that I don't know any other way to do things other than to just pick up the slack everywhere I see it and go with that.  

Honey and I have a lot to work through, both individually and together.  When you have a couple trying hard to make a second round work and be more successful than the first, adding in new and exciting traumas don't exactly help the situation.  It can only go one of two ways:  hardship can strengthen a bond or it can force two people completely apart.  We haven't fallen apart and I don't believe we will.  We will simply continue to take care of each other and try to keep that scar as minimal as possible.  Devotion is a hard pill to swallow when you're still working through old, deep rooted trust issues.  The one actually dealing with the trauma is waiting for the other one to freak out and run, while the one having to watch the trauma occur is waiting for that person to just shut down.  There's absolutely nothing easy about watching your spouse or loved one go through a thing and there be NOTHING you can do to stop or affect it.  

So what do we do?  We put the appropriate bandages where they belong and we keep watch to make sure nothing foreign comes in and tries to undermine all the hard work we put into healing.  And when it's all said and done we are left with a faint reminder of what happened to get us to the place we need to be.  One day at a time, one step at a time, we will rebuild our health, our home, and our life.