Tired.
Well, the end of an era is officially here, this fall we will be empty nesters. Getting The Girl graduated was a hard job. She was so focused on getting out she lost sight of the process, never have I had to push her so hard as I did this school year. But, she finished & she's been formally accepted by her chosen university.
sigh.
One battle at a time.
Ex & fam came to her graduation, we played well together & they went straight home. Not after he carefully & smoothly slipped his way back into the good graces of some old friends. I don't know what his agenda is but I do know that if he is deciding to try & come back...I'm leaving. Yeah, I know that sounds extreme & reactionary but I've enjoyed the peace & solitude that has come from knowing he hasn't be here to permeate my life. I was angry when he first left because I felt like he ditched his only child and me. He left me holding the bag & I had to make compromises that he never had to face. To say I've been jealous is putting it mildly. For a long time I felt cheated & then I went back to college. That was some thing I didn't even consider back in those days. The rare moments when I'd look at online schools, he'd look at me & tell me one of two things: we couldn't afford it or I had to find a way to pay for it all on my own. Seeing how much better my personal life has been has shown me what a blessing in disguise it's been to have him so far away.
This year has already brought about some major changes, there are still more to come. I have no desire to have my life affected by that particular part of my past. Every battle that's been fought thus far: business & money woes, medical nightmares, school problems...has made us stronger & better prepared for later life.
I've been told that it's useless to dwell on situations that you've no control over, people who are not like you, or past events. However.....................
It's very hard to take hit after hit after hit while the one who abandoned you lives a seemingly charmed life. To know that he's still using the tired line, "I was broken, I had to leave so I could be a better parent." Ya know...you kind of have to be around to be a parent, much less a good one. You kind of have to contribute more than a monthly stipend, maybe inquire about their grades, well-being, social life...
I don't know what I expected. I guess I knew deep down that I'd do the work & he'd swoop in just as credit was being acknowledged.
Along with the coming of age of my daughter came the end of his court ordered financial obligation. He began inquiring about how to stop the wage garnishment that has been in effect for the last couple of years. He started with my attorney who didn't answer him because...well...she was hired by me. Conflict of interest anyone? He then turned to me to dig and find when/if/how the support ends. I was polite and did a little bit of preliminary research and then I stopped. I stopped because it should never have been my responsibility to provide him with information he can just as easily get. He had copies and access of all the same papers I have. He has an internet connection to look up information. Reason two: He doesn't trust me. OK, that's totally fair I did some heinous shit back in the day. Also, he's always believed himself to be much more intelligent than I. Considering all these factors...why, on Gaia's green earth, would a man in his position rely on someone like me or my cohorts for information?? Seriously, what sense does that make? I guess it makes perfect sense if you're lazy and seemingly privileged.
To add insult to...insult...he ended up filing a very poorly executed motion on his own. The very fact that he sent a scribbled up document to the courthouse for filing was asinine. It showed his impudence and audacity, I felt as though he was mocking the whole system. Well, the motion was useless (which I knew because I looked up the law on child support orders), when I went for the hearing I found out at the courthouse that it was cancelled. A little wasted time. I'll be OK.
Then I spoke to the clerk about fees. You see, all the time I've been involved with this man it's cost me, literally, in money. He couldn't have a bank account when we met so I was foolish enough to put him on mine. He bled me dry when I was in the military and we always fought to have money while we were married. Three separate times over our 20 years he has taken tax returns that I had a right to at least half of. I paid for the entire divorce and ended up paying his court costs for all the child support hearings. All of this on top of him still having outstanding fees in our county. Why are those fees my problem you ask? Community property and mortgage. Let's say my husband and I buy a new home or try to mortgage a business, there could be repercussions for my name being attached to outstanding court fees. Again, more money that I have to shell out for his responsibility.
I'm tired. I'm over it. While I'm happy about my success and that this hellish chapter is over...there is still so much lingering hurt and anger. I ask myself often, how could I have been so foolish?
Ah well, enough is enough. This chapter is closed. On to the next.
sigh.
One battle at a time.
Ex & fam came to her graduation, we played well together & they went straight home. Not after he carefully & smoothly slipped his way back into the good graces of some old friends. I don't know what his agenda is but I do know that if he is deciding to try & come back...I'm leaving. Yeah, I know that sounds extreme & reactionary but I've enjoyed the peace & solitude that has come from knowing he hasn't be here to permeate my life. I was angry when he first left because I felt like he ditched his only child and me. He left me holding the bag & I had to make compromises that he never had to face. To say I've been jealous is putting it mildly. For a long time I felt cheated & then I went back to college. That was some thing I didn't even consider back in those days. The rare moments when I'd look at online schools, he'd look at me & tell me one of two things: we couldn't afford it or I had to find a way to pay for it all on my own. Seeing how much better my personal life has been has shown me what a blessing in disguise it's been to have him so far away.
This year has already brought about some major changes, there are still more to come. I have no desire to have my life affected by that particular part of my past. Every battle that's been fought thus far: business & money woes, medical nightmares, school problems...has made us stronger & better prepared for later life.
I've been told that it's useless to dwell on situations that you've no control over, people who are not like you, or past events. However.....................
It's very hard to take hit after hit after hit while the one who abandoned you lives a seemingly charmed life. To know that he's still using the tired line, "I was broken, I had to leave so I could be a better parent." Ya know...you kind of have to be around to be a parent, much less a good one. You kind of have to contribute more than a monthly stipend, maybe inquire about their grades, well-being, social life...
I don't know what I expected. I guess I knew deep down that I'd do the work & he'd swoop in just as credit was being acknowledged.
Along with the coming of age of my daughter came the end of his court ordered financial obligation. He began inquiring about how to stop the wage garnishment that has been in effect for the last couple of years. He started with my attorney who didn't answer him because...well...she was hired by me. Conflict of interest anyone? He then turned to me to dig and find when/if/how the support ends. I was polite and did a little bit of preliminary research and then I stopped. I stopped because it should never have been my responsibility to provide him with information he can just as easily get. He had copies and access of all the same papers I have. He has an internet connection to look up information. Reason two: He doesn't trust me. OK, that's totally fair I did some heinous shit back in the day. Also, he's always believed himself to be much more intelligent than I. Considering all these factors...why, on Gaia's green earth, would a man in his position rely on someone like me or my cohorts for information?? Seriously, what sense does that make? I guess it makes perfect sense if you're lazy and seemingly privileged.
To add insult to...insult...he ended up filing a very poorly executed motion on his own. The very fact that he sent a scribbled up document to the courthouse for filing was asinine. It showed his impudence and audacity, I felt as though he was mocking the whole system. Well, the motion was useless (which I knew because I looked up the law on child support orders), when I went for the hearing I found out at the courthouse that it was cancelled. A little wasted time. I'll be OK.
Then I spoke to the clerk about fees. You see, all the time I've been involved with this man it's cost me, literally, in money. He couldn't have a bank account when we met so I was foolish enough to put him on mine. He bled me dry when I was in the military and we always fought to have money while we were married. Three separate times over our 20 years he has taken tax returns that I had a right to at least half of. I paid for the entire divorce and ended up paying his court costs for all the child support hearings. All of this on top of him still having outstanding fees in our county. Why are those fees my problem you ask? Community property and mortgage. Let's say my husband and I buy a new home or try to mortgage a business, there could be repercussions for my name being attached to outstanding court fees. Again, more money that I have to shell out for his responsibility.
I'm tired. I'm over it. While I'm happy about my success and that this hellish chapter is over...there is still so much lingering hurt and anger. I ask myself often, how could I have been so foolish?
Ah well, enough is enough. This chapter is closed. On to the next.
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