January 30, 2014

Thunderbolt




I had a bit of an epiphany at 1 am in the freezing cold South this week.  My mind was racing and all I could think on was a mixture of the game I play online and Ex's behavior patterns.  It hit me that I spend entirely too much time and heartache dwelling on something that I should have expected.  It hit me that I wasn't even angry while I was turning it all over in my head.  As soon as the thought crossed my mind...I stopped and stared at the motionless ceiling fan.

I'm not really angry.

I'm really. not. angry.

I'm......exhausted.

The few things I needed to be angry or hurt about...I've been down that road, I trod on that one till there was nothing left to stomp on.  It's not about anything he did to me or that I did to him anymore.  These days it's simply what he does or doesn't do to and for his only child.  Those are things I can do nothing about.  I can't change what he fails to do, or how he justifies the behavior.  Somehow I let myself build up what I assumed would be his natural responses because those would have been my natural responses.  You walk into a situation thinking you know exactly how it's going to go...then it doesn't go that way at all and it throws you off.  My false expectations were never hit (of course), but my realistic ones...those were spot on.  I simply didn't want to give in to those realistic notions.  There is nothing I can do about them, I know the behavior, now I just need to come to terms with it.  Ironically enough I've been giving other people the same advice that I have been failing to follow.

Don't get hung up on the things you can't change, all we can do is change our reaction to those things.  This always seems like the most simple concept...until one has to put it into practice.  I can't do anything about what people think of me, I can't fix old hurts, I can't repair relationships that don't want to be repaired.  What I can do is accept that those things won't change and let them go.  It's not easy by any stretch of the imagination.  All of us have a daemon that we are fighting, this is mine, someone else may have issues with their parents, or their children, or life in general.

I've comfortably slipped from anger and resentment into a sense of .....exasperation, sadness, and fear.  All for my child and what she is going to have to deal with later in her life.  No parent wants to watch their child be manipulated or lied to, no matter how subtle or mild that damage may be.  It's even worse when the source is so close to home.

I will always do anything I can to make sure she is stable and happy and has everything she needs.  I will try to protect her from everything I can, even though I know that's an effort in futility.  I can't shield her from the world...as much as I really want to.  There are things she will have to go through and see for herself.  I have a very observant, mild mannered child.  She is also internalises so it's hard to tell when things are bothering her.  Maybe I'm being too overprotective, maybe I'm trying to mother her too hard, or maybe I'm doing my job.  I don't know yet.

Here's hoping her dreams do come true and he comes through with all the promises that have been empty thus far.....


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