MUSINGS

It's been mentioned by a couple folk that I seem to be dwelling on my past a little too much.  I guess by writing about certain things, getting them out of my head and down where I can sort through them isn't something everyone understands.  For the last year or so I've had some great but odd changes happen.  It's taken some time and effort to wrap my  head around it all. There is nothing about this life that is like the one before it.  Not one thing.  I've changed jobs-went from outside to inside-so to speak, I've gotten remarried-scary scary move, and I've gone back to college-something never before considered. I live on the opposite side of town, I live with a new mate, a new/old set of friends, my social life is different, my personal belief structure has been reaffirmed, my life is stable....etc etc etc.  There are little things that are different:  I still keep a clean house, but it's not spotless like it used to be (change).  I cook ...

I've had a lot of time to take a look at my life as it is now...and how my life would have been if things had gone differently.  I've come to some pretty stout realizations. I've gone over and over the what ifs of not getting divorced.  What would have happened if we'd stayed in Galveston, or if we'd have moved to a different city when we came back to Louisiana...who knows how it all would have gone down. The most recent things that spin through my mind involve the friends I gained, lost, and rekindled after it all came apart.  I found out some true colors on a couple of folks, one fell away due to an idiotic misunderstanding, others have come back to me because they couldn't stand my ex.  Another took advantage of what was happening in my life and betrayed my confidences.  Ironically, the idiotic misunderstanding person and the betrayal queen are bosom buddies now.  At first, that slayed me.  It really did.  I thought there was something take...

Wow.  First week of school down.  First test in each class down.  I truly never thought I'd be back there.   It's surreal, walking those sidewalks, seeing the old buildings mixed with the new ones.  The library is laid out differently; the student union is under construction; the students are mostly younger than me. I had one good panic attack the day before I started classes.  I wasn't excited, I wasn't peppy, I was terrified.  I had that all too familiar feeling of everything spinning out of my control, spiraling downward into a pit of disaster.  It didn't help that my birthday was looming just 4 days after the first day of school. Out of college for 15 years, out of high school for 19, didn't do great in college the first time around!  Why on Gaia's green Earth did I ever think I could return to University and actually....do something?  Is it because it's paid for?  Am I trying to prove something?  If so, to whom?  Wh...

A while back I addressed the issue of attrition .  I've addressed my own anger and whatnot in regard to my divorce and even tried to give a little advice to someone trying to weather that storm.  I've come to realizations, had questions answered, found out who my friends are...all manner of growth type things.  Hell, I even sat for a day or so in the psychologists office as well as picking the brain of certain smarter-than-me folks. For some strange reason, I am having a hard time getting a handle on the panic and anxiety.  That's not normal for me...that I recall.  Maybe it is, I don't know anymore.  My mind is so confused as to what may or may not be real in that regard.  I do know that prior to boot camp I was fairly good at controlling my emotional state, at least from an outside perspective.  I knew how to cry on command, temper my anger, or reign back utter glee.  My assumption is that changed after boot camp because I remember raging...

I went home to the woods this past weekend to attend my nephews high school graduation.  Honey came with me and got to see for real the kind of community I came from.  I can only assume he liked it. While I was home my mother put something into perspective for me that hadn't crossed my mind before.  You see, I'm aware that I come from a poorer area, I'm aware that being raised in the country has created a pattern of thought very different from those who live where I live now.  I very often preach gratitude and appreciation.  I am quick to tell someone they don't appreciate what they have, you think someone is always going to be there for you.  I simply assumed it was backwoods Southern raisin'.  Then she said this:  "You and your sister grew up with the understanding that your father was about to die at any moment."  See, for us, there was no safety net.  After his first two heart attacks in the early 80's the rest of his, and our, lif...

I had two and a half paragraphs written up about money and how I am the queen of bill collector calls, etc.  I even had a Pink Floyd video ready to go.  Then Mother's day happened.   I guess I pour all this out to find some clarity or maybe it's all just psycho-therapy.  At this point it's one of the few things that keeps my head straight and bits of the anxiety at bay.  I've been studying human behaviors and why people do things or say things.  A good friend of mine and I psychoanalyze one another on the regular, she and I tend to be each others' mirror.  There are some behaviors I'm familiar with simply because I've seen/dealt with enough people with those patterns.  There are others that I've seen but throw me off to such a degree that I have to recover from the shock of being exposed to it.  One thing I have learned about myself:  I am no good at being a step parent.  I have completely failed in the 5 years I've had an ...

I read an article on NPR this morning about laziness in America.  It wasn't written to bash anyone or anything, just an observation on life in the US beginning with the founding fathers and their attitudes towards idle time. In our home growing up, we were never allowed to utter the words "I'm bored" without repercussion.  If there were no immediate chores to be done, the answer was to go read a book, which we did with fervor.  Other than that, there was always something to be done whether it was to wipe down baseboards, dust the living room, sweep anything and everything, or pick through peas.  Sleep was not an option.  Naps were reserved for a rare Sunday afternoon and only if mama took one first.  The only real way to get out of work at the house was to leave...in our case, go hide in the woods all afternoon until she was calling us in or we got hurt and just had to get it patched up proper.  Even heading over to hide at a friends house could res...