January 08, 2012

"I used to love her.....

but I had to kill'er..."                        

Ex's.  Not so much mine but....his.  Although mine has been a raging disappointment these last couple years, I don't want to get into that any more.  I'm done beating him, and myself, up. 

No this is about how I handle being not just an ex-wife, but dealing with the ex-wife of my fella.  For as Catholic as South La. is, they are some divorcing fools around here.  It's easier for me to count the folks with the original set of parents than those who come from some type of broken home, ours is no different.  We did the Brady Bunch combo and we are a pretty well adjusted, dysfunctional family.  We work.

I have hang ups.  I don't like to admit that I have a jealous streak, but I do.  My classic statement is, "I'm not jealous, I'm possessive".  I don't like the idea that he was with someone else, particularly someone who treated him so ill.  I don't like that she isn't like me, i.e. easy, non-fake, simple.  I hate the way she treats her child.  It's not my business, but I can't help it. 

There have been many times I've wanted to sit her down or send an email, but I haven't and I won't.  This all plays back to that moment when I realized what I'm projecting is what I'm going to get back.  If I project distaste or dislike, that is what I'm going to get back.  I'm not directly ugly to her, but after a family funeral I quit being polite...at all.  She's very polite and cordial to me.  I believe it to be sincere for the most part, she does have a very fake side that I don't believe she could change if she tried.  

The point is, I don't want to be that woman.  I don't want to be the hateful, jealous new wife/girlfriend/domestic partner.  I have so many things to work on in myself that I don't want to have one petty thing be the one that takes me down.  So, what do I do?  Make nice, smile and tell myself that I could like this person if I let myself?  Or, be nice, polite, cordial, but remember to keep my own counsel and remember that there is a two faced person there.  I like option "B" better.  Now to exercise it.  That's where I get all befuddled.  I know I can do it, I've had dealings with less pleasant folk and gotten by it just fine. 

I do have to remember, no matter how much I dislike her methods or her in general, she's still my other baby's mama.  I can't do anything about that.  All I can do is hold my head up, remember that I am doing my best and keep reminding my man that love is not how much pretty green cotton paper you have in your back pocket.  Love is simply what you are willing to do for those around you without expectation or condition.

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