It hit me in my last post that when I brought up the ex and his ways. I consciously stopped myself from beating a dead horse. It didn't clearly hit me why that was so poignant till this weekend.
He showed up to spend some time with his little girl for a combo Christmas/birthday visit. Now this is out of his norm; thus far, his visits have been sporadic at best, and there has always been an excuse as to why they are. This one was a surprise, and she enjoyed it very much, even though it was somewhat short. I'd like to revel in my own feelings about the visit, but I can't. I'd like to go on and on about him bringing yet another woman and replacement child down with him, and throw in how he used her car to travel....but I can't. I don't want to.
I don't want to because, for the first time, the first Real time since everything was finalized and all has been said and done...........I'm over him.
I saw him Sunday and that wasn't the fella that I thought I was in love with for so long. I saw how tired, worn out, and rough he is. Be it work, school, life, lack of love, whatever....I saw it. I saw that effort, that stamina it took to keep him up, awake and laughing. There was something humbling on my part in seeing that. I never intended to wear him down or defeat him, but I don't feel guilt for my part of that weariness. I don't feel justified either though. I just feel......over it.
I'm over the arguments, I'm over the feeling sorry for him or me, I'm over laying blame or holding blame. I refuse to harbour the ill will or the guilt any longer. I guess I knew one day it would fade, I just wasn't prepared for when it would actually happen. It feels good. It feels like a weight has been lifted off me and I can breathe now.
Life has a funny way of opening our eyes at the strangest moment. Maybe I'm over him, maybe I've simply finally embraced a life that I can tune and tweak as I need to. I don't know, I do know that I am happy, healthy and finally in my own personal state of grace. It's finally over.