Letting go.

-
It hit me in my last post that when I brought up the ex and his ways.  I consciously stopped myself from beating a dead horse.  It didn't clearly hit me why that was so poignant till this weekend. 

He showed up to spend some time with his little girl for a combo Christmas/birthday visit.  Now this is out of his norm; thus far, his visits have been sporadic at best, and there has always been an excuse as to why they are.  This one was a surprise, and she enjoyed it very much, even though it was somewhat short.  I'd like to revel in my own feelings about the visit, but I can't.  I'd like to go on and on about him bringing yet another woman and replacement child down with him, and throw in how he used her car to travel....but I can't.  I don't want to. 

I don't want to because, for the first time, the first Real time since everything was finalized and all has been said and done...........I'm over him. 

I saw him Sunday and that wasn't the fella that I thought I was in love with for so long.  I saw how tired, worn out, and rough he is.  Be it work, school, life, lack of love, whatever....I saw it.  I saw that effort, that stamina it took to keep him up, awake and laughing.  There was something humbling on my part in seeing that.  I never intended to wear him down or defeat him, but I don't feel guilt for my part of that weariness.  I don't feel justified either though.  I just feel......over it. 

I'm over the arguments, I'm over the feeling sorry for him or me, I'm over laying blame or holding blame.  I refuse to harbour the ill will or the guilt any longer.  I guess I knew one day it would fade, I just wasn't prepared for when it would actually happen.  It feels good.  It feels like a weight has been lifted off me and I can breathe now. 

Life has a funny way of opening our eyes at the strangest moment.  Maybe I'm over him, maybe I've simply finally embraced a life that I can tune and tweak as I need to.  I don't know, I do know that I am happy, healthy and finally in my own personal state of grace.  It's finally over. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Perspective

-
Image
I went home to the woods this past weekend to attend my nephews high school graduation.  Honey came with me and got to see for real the kind of community I came from.  I can only assume he liked it. While I was home my mother put something into perspective for me that hadn't crossed my mind before.  You see, I'm aware that I come from a poorer area, I'm aware that being raised in the country has created a pattern of thought very different from those who live where I live now.  I very often preach gratitude and appreciation.  I am quick to tell someone they don't appreciate what they have, you think someone is always going to be there for you.  I simply assumed it was backwoods Southern raisin'.  Then she said this:  "You and your sister grew up with the understanding that your father was about to die at any moment."  See, for us, there was no safety net.  After his first two heart attacks in the early 80's the rest of his, and our, life has been a wa
Read more

Finding Catharsis

-
Image
Catharsis:  2 a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension (1) Thank you Mr. Webster. I've tried for the last few months not to make this blog about me and my ex and my issues.  So far I've done a decent job.  I'm not one who is fond of hanging dirty laundry out for the world to view, even though quite a bit of the world has had a peek at it in the last few years.  So, here's a question to ponder:  how do you let go when an ex won't say they are sorry or never acknowledges they wronged you?  Especially when you've admitted all the things you screwed up at? At the risk of being messy and fish-wifeish I sit here to achieve some much needed catharsis.  I very desperately need some purgation.  Seeing as how this is my current form of art and expression, this is the medium I will use.  Maybe once it's all out
Read more

Past lives

-
Image
 I've been running around sprucing up our house.  Little things here and there, new curtains, re-purposed furniture, a new kitchen light fixture...and who knew what a couch cover would do for the whole room??  It has taken me years to get used to decorating what (in my head) is someone else's house.  OK.  Let's be straight about it-- it's taken me years to get used to decorating a house without it ending in some kind of fight. My daughter asked me while I was hanging Spring curtains why I didn't become an interior decorator....that was a tough one to tell a child of divorced parents.  How does a mom tell her only child that her creativity was stifled at every turn after the shiny wore off? The pot hanger light that I've wanted for years. This week, Honey and I wandered off to Lowe's in search of a light fixture I'd been lusting after and potential bathroom upgrades.  We left the office with an idea...at some point in the 4 miles between our office
Read more