January 24, 2012

Letting go.

It hit me in my last post that when I brought up the ex and his ways.  I consciously stopped myself from beating a dead horse.  It didn't clearly hit me why that was so poignant till this weekend. 

He showed up to spend some time with his little girl for a combo Christmas/birthday visit.  Now this is out of his norm; thus far, his visits have been sporadic at best, and there has always been an excuse as to why they are.  This one was a surprise, and she enjoyed it very much, even though it was somewhat short.  I'd like to revel in my own feelings about the visit, but I can't.  I'd like to go on and on about him bringing yet another woman and replacement child down with him, and throw in how he used her car to travel....but I can't.  I don't want to. 

I don't want to because, for the first time, the first Real time since everything was finalized and all has been said and done...........I'm over him. 

I saw him Sunday and that wasn't the fella that I thought I was in love with for so long.  I saw how tired, worn out, and rough he is.  Be it work, school, life, lack of love, whatever....I saw it.  I saw that effort, that stamina it took to keep him up, awake and laughing.  There was something humbling on my part in seeing that.  I never intended to wear him down or defeat him, but I don't feel guilt for my part of that weariness.  I don't feel justified either though.  I just feel......over it. 

I'm over the arguments, I'm over the feeling sorry for him or me, I'm over laying blame or holding blame.  I refuse to harbour the ill will or the guilt any longer.  I guess I knew one day it would fade, I just wasn't prepared for when it would actually happen.  It feels good.  It feels like a weight has been lifted off me and I can breathe now. 

Life has a funny way of opening our eyes at the strangest moment.  Maybe I'm over him, maybe I've simply finally embraced a life that I can tune and tweak as I need to.  I don't know, I do know that I am happy, healthy and finally in my own personal state of grace.  It's finally over. 

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