February 14, 2012

El Dia de St Valentine

Ok, all the cool kids are doing it, I might as well "scribble" a few words on Valentine's day myself.  It's been a fair day I suppose, not spectacular, but not bad by any stretch.  My honey isn't in town tonight though, which makes for a lonely holiday.  He did bring a beautiful card and some amazing confections yesterday evening to make up for his absence today.  Work was...well, work.  It's getting harder and harder to enjoy going these days.

Work b.s. aside, I reflected a bit on my thoughts and whatnot about this particular day.  This is going to sound a bit mean but as I've said before my faith in love isn't the strongest these days.  I thought about what he said to me when he gave me the gifts, "it wasn't exactly what I wanted to do for you, but it's something".  Yes, and it was a very nice, very appreciated something (the confections are AHmazing!).  The thing is, I'd heard that for years...the well-intentioned, "I'm sorry it's not more" speech.  For a long time, it was simply a money issue, ex and I were young and broke.  We'd make do with hand written poetry and dinner in.  It was endearing for a long time, then one day it became routine and unromantic.  Story of my former life. 

Eventually that idea, that "I'm not good enough for something truly nice" crept in and stayed.  Today, years later, I still have a hard time shaking that idea.  I'd like to say I know it's not necessarily so, but I can't.  Yeah, I shoot myself in the foot by being too agreeable, too easily pleased, too eager to accept any sort of show of affection.  I wonder sometimes if I was a little more demanding what the outcome would be..... would I begin to fall into "that" category:  the ungrateful, snotty, never pleased?  That's the one thing I've never wanted to be.  Materialistic, needy, hard to please. 

At least these days I know that whatever comes to me on these particular occasions come from the heart.  Not to say at one point in the last situation they didn't, it just didn't stay that way.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy with the holiday, just a little melancholy I suppose, because he's not here right now. 

I have a trip coming up in a month or so that I'm very excited about, I've been needing time completely away to reboot so to speak.  I'm anxious to take a trip and get away for a bit.  I need the time to myself, away from work, home and the daily.  I am determined to make this year and this phase of my life the best that I can.

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