I'm up, in my kitchen, thoughts all over the place....running from one end of my little skull to the other. "I signed her papers tonight, like a good mom.....I am grateful for the friends I have......I am on a long (much needed) leash with my fella......should I be in bed?? That's where he is.....Taco Bell is going to be the death of me.......I honor this man so much, and I am convinced he's heaven sent....."
yeah something like that.
I have a friend who said "if", instead of "when" in regard to her engagement. I'm not going to get into too many details, because I haven't asked permission to talk about it any wheres else.... but it got me to thinking. See, I was married once before (yeah yeah I know, Everybody already knows that), but I mean, I had a small wedding once before. I also planned an elaborate one years prior to that. That one fell apart at the seams. I got so disgusted trying to plan my wedding, I looked at the at the time groom and said, "you tell me when and where, I'll show up on time". Yeah. That's the reason I didn't have a wedding the second go 'round. I was very against the b.s., the stress, the whole concept.
These days, I'm really on round 2 and there are days I wish I could plan one. Ya know, like pick out cake, and dresses, and heaven forbid--even try on a wedding dress again. I did that once....when I was 19....it was beautiful. But I didn't have the last $100 to finish the bill so I didn't...lost the dress and the money (it was on clearance). It broke my heart, but it all ended up being for the better anyway, he and I were not meant to be forever, even though we are friends again now.
About 3 years later, I met and married the man I lived in matrimony with for a total of 11 years. We had a small ceremony in the city park here with just a handful of friends looking on. It was nice. 10 years later, we renewed our vows in that same park and I did that one up a bit more elaborate. We had food done by a great friend and cook, we had an ordained friend preside, and all of our closest friends at the time and our family. 10 months later it all went to shit.
WAIT WAIT WAIT! I'm not done ;-)
This isn't one of "those" blogs, no I'm done mourning my failed marriage. What I am hinged up on now, is....should I do it again? Like go all out and have a wedding?? Or is it tacky? I'm a Southern woman, we don't do tacky unless it's intentional or just colour blind. There's a huge piece of me that feels like I was cheated out of my chance to have "that day". But then there's the rest of me that has always said out loud, "I don't believe in putting on the show for other people". Because think about it, in a big, traditional wedding, what bride gets to eat? What bride gets to have a good time? She's usually busy taking pictures, posing, playing, dancing the proper dances.....more than once I've heard the wedding night was boring because either one of them passed out drunk or they were too tired to do anything but sleep.
Now I'm not in any position to do this right now, hell he's not even ready for such a thing....actually I find that ironic: I fought the last one tooth and nail but did it because my family expected me to. This one, I Want to marry and he's so gunshy he is still working up the notion. Yeah I know, if it's meant to be it will be, blah blah blah......in the meantime I will sit here and dream about what it was like once upon a time to have an engagement ring and a band that matched it. Too bad that was almost 16 years ago........