As the months have passed and as I've tried to deny and hold on and make excuses and harbour bitterness, yet simple pleasure keeps creeping in. The ex and I have been talking and getting along a bit more like grown folks lately. For that I am grateful, I never wanted it to be awful between us. It's funny though because he reached out at a moment when I was still struggling with some leftover resentment. I think I've managed to put it away and perhaps it will stay put and not come crawling back to hinder me.
I've figured out that I can stop looking at all of this new moment in life as "the second go around". It doesn't have to be second place, not if I don't want it to be. That's where I get hinged up good and proper...I was raised do it right the first time or don't do it at all.
Welllll, didn't get it right the first time obviously...how do I handle the idea that I'm even allowed a redo? It is really hard for me to see a second relationship as anything but a second one. Is this one better? you ask, is this one more conducive to you as a person now? are you happy? Those are very good questions, questions that are hard to answer. Again with the raisin', I was told once about church: you aren't supposed to go because you enjoy it, you're supposed to go because it's your duty. The same was implied about marriage. So, as you see, I have this misguided notion that I failed miserably at something and do not deserve to have a redo.
I had a friend a while back remark about how life changes every 7 years. I do believe this...and I believe that I am in a moment of change. Trying to embrace a totally different way of thinking is a tricky thing. That's what all this boils down to. It's not so much the fear of falling in love again (which I've already done) or blending a family, it's pushing aside that notion that this is the "correct" thing to do. My ex made the comment the other day that ours didn't "fail" because, we made a child and she is smart, sweet, and fairly well rounded. He also mentioned that I should let go and allow myself to be happy and be loved. Yeah, he still knows how I think....It's a day by day process. As of today, I am secure in where I am and the direction my life is headed in every sense.
Tonight, I am grateful for that smart loving child, I am grateful for the man who picked me up off the ground and put me back together, and I'm grateful that I had the good sense not to try and sabotage all of this.