Refreshment.

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As the months have passed and as I've tried to deny and hold on and make excuses and harbour bitterness, yet simple pleasure keeps creeping in.  The ex and I have been talking and getting along a bit more like grown folks lately.  For that I am grateful, I never wanted it to be awful between us.  It's funny though because he reached out at a moment when I was still struggling with some leftover resentment.  I think I've managed to put it away and perhaps it will stay put and not come crawling back to hinder me.  

I've figured out that I can stop looking at all of this new moment in life as "the second go around".  It doesn't have to be second place, not if I don't want it to be.  That's where I get hinged up good and proper...I was raised do it right the first time or don't do it at all. 

Welllll, didn't get it right the first time obviously...how do I handle the idea that I'm even allowed a redo?  It is really hard for me to see a second relationship as anything but a second one.  Is this one better? you ask, is this one more conducive to you as a person now? are you happy?  Those are very good questions, questions that are hard to answer.  Again with the raisin', I was told once about church:  you aren't supposed to go because you enjoy it, you're supposed to go because it's your duty.  The same was implied about marriage.  So, as you see, I have this misguided notion that I failed miserably at something and do not deserve to have a redo. 

I had a friend a while back remark about how life changes every 7 years.  I do believe this...and I believe that I am in a moment of change.  Trying to embrace a totally different way of thinking is a tricky thing.  That's what all this boils down to.  It's not so much the fear of falling in love again (which I've already done) or blending a family, it's pushing aside that notion that this is the "correct" thing to do.  My ex made the comment the other day that ours didn't "fail" because, we made a child and she is smart, sweet, and fairly well rounded.   He also mentioned that I should let go and allow myself to be happy and be loved.  Yeah, he still knows how I think....It's a day by day process.  As of today, I am secure in where I am and the direction my life is headed in every sense. 

Tonight, I am grateful for that smart loving child, I am grateful for the man who picked me up off the ground and put me back together, and I'm grateful that I had the good sense not to try and sabotage all of this. 

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