June 10, 2012

Refreshment.

As the months have passed and as I've tried to deny and hold on and make excuses and harbour bitterness, yet simple pleasure keeps creeping in.  The ex and I have been talking and getting along a bit more like grown folks lately.  For that I am grateful, I never wanted it to be awful between us.  It's funny though because he reached out at a moment when I was still struggling with some leftover resentment.  I think I've managed to put it away and perhaps it will stay put and not come crawling back to hinder me.  

I've figured out that I can stop looking at all of this new moment in life as "the second go around".  It doesn't have to be second place, not if I don't want it to be.  That's where I get hinged up good and proper...I was raised do it right the first time or don't do it at all. 

Welllll, didn't get it right the first time obviously...how do I handle the idea that I'm even allowed a redo?  It is really hard for me to see a second relationship as anything but a second one.  Is this one better? you ask, is this one more conducive to you as a person now? are you happy?  Those are very good questions, questions that are hard to answer.  Again with the raisin', I was told once about church:  you aren't supposed to go because you enjoy it, you're supposed to go because it's your duty.  The same was implied about marriage.  So, as you see, I have this misguided notion that I failed miserably at something and do not deserve to have a redo. 

I had a friend a while back remark about how life changes every 7 years.  I do believe this...and I believe that I am in a moment of change.  Trying to embrace a totally different way of thinking is a tricky thing.  That's what all this boils down to.  It's not so much the fear of falling in love again (which I've already done) or blending a family, it's pushing aside that notion that this is the "correct" thing to do.  My ex made the comment the other day that ours didn't "fail" because, we made a child and she is smart, sweet, and fairly well rounded.   He also mentioned that I should let go and allow myself to be happy and be loved.  Yeah, he still knows how I think....It's a day by day process.  As of today, I am secure in where I am and the direction my life is headed in every sense. 

Tonight, I am grateful for that smart loving child, I am grateful for the man who picked me up off the ground and put me back together, and I'm grateful that I had the good sense not to try and sabotage all of this. 

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