Reflections and Resolutions

It's been a hell of a New Years Day...I've cleaned, scrubbed, wiped down, picked up, thinned out and shredded all the things in the house that needed attention.  I've not been this tired in a while, but it's a good kind of tired.  I have a lot to reflect on from this past year.  There were a lot of firsts this year, I made new friends, rekindled some old relationships, and had a mostly positive experience.  I made some milestones with my honey and our family.  I am anxious to start this year on a different foot with a new outlook.

I don't want to do resolutions as such this year, I'd rather set goals that will work toward making me a better person.  I've already started one of them.  I've begun doing some research that I haven't done since I lived overseas.  I had a lot of time on my hand then, a lot of time to think and study.  There is no reason I can't do that now.  I just have to learn how to budget my time.

For the last year I have lived and breathed work.  My job and keeping the house and playing super-mom have taken every ounce of me.  I have a pathetic wardrobe, shoes that are worn slap out, skin that needs a day at the spa, and a severe growing distaste for those who look down on working mothers.  I have neglected friends, and kept folks at arms length with the notion that if I don't work as much as possible, things won't get done.  I've let myself go physically because I believed that self sacrifice was necessary.  I have wallowed in the torn, too small clothes, the shoes that were literally broken from all the miles I put on them, and the idea that I was some kind of martyr.  I didn't just embrace the rough woman persona, the one who wears steel toed shoes, I wore it like a veil a magic brick wall set up so no one could touch me.  I maintained a love/hate relationship with my chosen profession believing that I could force it to balance out with how I truly felt about myself.

Yes, I am a rough and tumble kinda lady, but I'm far far more than that.  The truth is I'm not fond of such a life.  I'm a girly tomboy, I used to wear skirts and sandals as often as I wore blue jeans.  Somewhere that fell away when I was trying to prove myself and remember, or figure out, who I am without a spouse to define me.  I have felt so hypocritical these last couple of years.  I felt like the person my Honey knows now isn't real somehow.  That I needed to revisit some of the past so he would understand and walk in my ex's shoes.  It took some scary moments for both of us for me to realize and understand that I'm not lying about anything.  I'm not covering up anything about myself, he just happened to get the toned down version of who I once was.  I can't do anything about 5, 10 or 15 years ago.  All I can do is shape the future and stop binding myself to my own caustic past.

I found myself playing to the crowd this year, working the Rosie angle, playing the tough girl game...my honey has pointed out many times in the last three years how people don't know me.  I don't show everyone the same face, as I'm sure most people don't.  My problem is, I'd break and then wonder why people expected so much out of me when I was tapped out and run down.  Well, when you play the super girl game that well, folks start to believe it.  Hell I almost believed it for a moment.  And then those moments hit, like tonight.  I'm exhausted.  I've been doing for the last two days without stopping.  The holidays weren't horribly hectic but they were busy and I was determined to have this house New Years ready, by hook or by crook.  I did it....and now my back hurts, I'm cold, I'm tired, and I don't even want a drink, I want a tall glass of water and a hot shower.

For the moment I'm pinned down by a fat greedy kitty, a can of Lays Stax, Amy Winehouse on PBS and this blog.  I'm not sure I'll ever really stop moving or going or working.  I do know that this year, the resolutions, if you will, are going to be:  Make time for myself.  Make time for my people, friends, family, etc., MY People.  Make a concerted effort to do the things I enjoy and not cry if they aren't perfect.  I will allow him to help me, take care of me, do for me, whatever he feels is necessary.  Sometimes it's ok to allow someone else to do for you, did you know that??  Yeah, me either.

It's going to be epic.  I will make sure of that.