December 29, 2015

Another year older

It's been a roller coaster year, a few ups, some downs, some sad, some happy.  All in all, in spite of some of the sad moments, it was really good.

I ran into a few struggles that I didn't see coming, apparently I'm not super woman after all!
With all my friends around me having new children I'm slipping gracefully into that part of my life being completely over.  Some mothers are celebrating firsts and others are taking on numbers 2, 3, and 5.  Having some tests run confirmed suspicions that my own hormone levels have taken their dive a little earlier than most are accustomed to, that explains some of the ragey moments over the last year plus.  It's surreal for me.  Don't get me wrong I have NO desire for more children.  Especially not a tiny one.  It's nice being the mom and step mom of individuals who are self sufficient and capable.  I like having time to do what I'd like to do and people with whom to chat that can be articulate.  But it's just a little strange being the odd person out.

I've had friends who moved back ask me repeatedly for babysitting info or where to have uniforms altered....I have no idea.  Mine is old enough to be the babysitter but is more wrapped up in school work.  I don't know where people take children to play besides the usual haunts: Chuck-E-Cheese or the local version of that.  I don't get the sudden draw to what is known as "attachment parenting"...the baby wearing, co-sleeping, cry it out or not business.  That's what I called "parenting" when I was going through it.  Using cloth diapers wasn't a fad or a "thing" was simply a choice one made.  I had a carrier for my daughter, it hurt my back so I didn't use it much.  I carried her.  In my arms.  I joined Redditt for the first time a few months back, I'm in a moms group and have a hard time relating.  So much talk about methods and techniques and whatnot....what happened to have the child, do what makes sense to you and do your best to take care of the little minion?  Who cares if someone down the street doesn't agree with your parenting "style"?  Just keep the little bugger alive and you've got a good start.

Non-baby fever aside, some of my super woman antics from back in the day have come back to haunt me.  The weight loss battle has become less of a battle (thankfully).  I hit a wall months ago and said screw it.  I stopped being nuts about it, stopped stressing about it, and lost 5 lbs.  Go figure.  Finding out that my hormones are fubar and that I have old injuries has helped me understand what happened to me though.  Now I can do the things I need to do to combat both and keep the momentum.  The hard part is going to be getting the VA to work with me and give me actual care, not a rack full of pills.  One step at a time.  Who knew that an incident from your late teens could render such effects 20 years down the line??

When I was about 19 years old I was working between semesters in the campus library.  Because it was summer the regular lunch room was closed and the alternate was only open certain hours.  I hadn't eaten a real meal in a few days.  I remember being really tired and going to talk to my co-worker on another aisle.  I was standing, leaning against the shelves chatting when I woke up staring at the call numbers of books on the very bottom shelf.  My first thought was, "holy shit Ms. Jenny is going to kill me, I fell asleep".  My friend and my boss were trying to revive me and had already called the ambulance.  When I fainted I slid straight down and hit my head on at least 7 metal shelves on the way down.  My friend looked at me later and told me "damn girl you even faint cool!  You didn't slouch to the side or nothing!"  She actually thought I was just sitting down next to her to talk and when she looked over at me I was passed out on the floor.  One ambulance ride, couple bags of fluid, and an 8-10 block walk back to my dorm.  (Yes I got fussed at for not calling anyone to come get me)  I remember that I couldn't turn my head to the left or look up for a little over 2 weeks.  I was never treated beyond that one hospital visit.  I can only assume they scanned me and found nothing wrong, I honestly don't know.  Never had another issue that I'm aware of after that.  At least I never attributed any neck or shoulder pain to that incident.  Now here I am, going to physical therapy, being put in traction because my muscles learned to compensate for the damage that occurred back then.

So, carpal tunnel plus muscle trigger points pressing on key nerves?  Yeah, lets add that to arthritic knees and a pinched sciatic nerve.  Remember:  weight loss is 90% diet and 10% exercise.  At least that's what the web experts say.  Even with all that, I still feel myself to be more than capable.  I still do things that I probably shouldn't be doing.  If I can't use my hands and move, I can't make a living.  Plain and simple.  I told a crappy psychologist one afternoon that I didn't have time to be crazy, well in this case...I don't have the luxury of being broken.  If it means going to the physical therapist monthly, so be it.

So.  2016.  I'm not going to do resolutions, I never stick to the them.  But I will do this...make efforts.  Concerted efforts for myself and for others around me regardless of what the thing is.  Making the effort to let go of old hurts and the past in general.  Every year I try to reinvent myself, whether it's completely changing my style or picking up a totally different hobby.  I like the path I'm on right now.  Some little tweaks and I think I'll be right about where I want to be.    I kind of like being a 16th century history nerd.  I've joined a pretty great volunteer group and still have my degree to catch.  I guess I'm finally coming to terms with and getting comfortable with my own weirdness.  Not to say it's going to be loud and proud just yet but it's going to shine a little more than it has in the past.  Baby steps forward.  That's all we can do.  ( I do think the long blond/red hair is coming back, this short dark thing has GOT TO GO!)

I sincerely hope everyone has an amazing New Years and that the next year brings joy and prosperity!

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