MUSINGS

I had a bit of an epiphany at 1 am in the freezing cold South this week.  My mind was racing and all I could think on was a mixture of the game I play online and Ex's behavior patterns.  It hit me that I spend entirely too much time and heartache dwelling on something that I should have expected.  It hit me that I wasn't even angry while I was turning it all over in my head.  As soon as the thought crossed my mind...I stopped and stared at the motionless ceiling fan. I'm not really angry. I'm really. not. angry. I'm......exhausted. The few things I needed to be angry or hurt about...I've been down that road, I trod on that one till there was nothing left to stomp on.  It's not about anything he did to me or that I did to him anymore.  These days it's simply what he does or doesn't do to and for his only child.  Those are things I can do nothing about.  I can't change what he fails to do, or how he justifies the behavior.  Somehow...

As per usual I am stuck at a crossroads yet again.  Two years ago I was struck with one of the hardest decisions of my life.  Harder even than allowing the dissolve of my marriage.  It involved stepping up and fighting for my daughters due.  The most difficult challenge was, not making a bad situation even worse by making him angry with me.  I have always hated being the bad guy, even when it was necessary.  In that particular case, it was completely necessary.  It took me weeks to act, weeks of tears, sleepless nights, and worry...knowing that while I as protecting my child's interests, I was also solidifying an enemy. At what point does protecting your child, even from their parent, make you the devil?  At what point do you stop laying down and being polite and hold anothers feet to the fire?  At what point do you accept the fact that no matter what you do, how you do it, how correct or protective you are.....you are wrong.  You will...

Define a "good man". Is it one who provides?  There are many different ideas on provision, some believe it must be as close to 6 figures a year as possible, others are fine with minimum wage-just enough to keep the lights on, and still others are satisfied with somewhere in the middle.  Perhaps, he's not great at holding down the "perfect job" but he keeps his partner (in this blog, woman) steady, grounded, and focused.  Maybe he helps hold her accountable when she knows she is in fear of slipping into old easy habits.  Maybe it's the one who works an 80 hour week in a thankless job to keep food on the table for 3 littles and a grateful mama.  It could be the man who has worked 2 jobs for 20 years in an effort to maintain his home and those who are in his inner circle.   Is it one who lays down at the beck and call of his partner?  That might read worse than it's meant.  Take the man who works himself from sunup to sundown and turns everyt...

Fitness.  Yeah, sorry, I warned ya! ;-) Fitness.  It's everywhere.  It's a dirty word for some and a lifestyle for others.  I've read blogs and posts from women my size and otherwise defending their right to be who they are and they size they are.  Many are defensive at the mention that they perhaps are not doing enough or do not have the "proper" body type.  This raises questions with me...it causes me to think:  "she who protests the loudest....".  We often protest the idea that we could be wrong or actually not doing enough.  I do this as much as anyone else.  I don't like for someone to put it to me that I actually *can* do more, be more, go farther, work harder.  I remember before I was enlisted I didn't believe what the recruiters and doctors told me.  I was only about 10 lbs over my "ideal weight" back then, but to them...I was fat.  A whopping 145 lbs at 5'3".   About 3 months ago I realized I was 100 lbs ov...

Decadence is....... a down feather comforter on a bed large enough for Henry VIII and all the wives.... luxury cats strategically placed around a room purring and grooming and just being beautiful a french press, an enamel cook pot, and wine decanters  blush wine and birthday cheesecake red velvet couches a fireplace full of pecan wood painted nails with no repercussions hair curlers worn without caution or jest because he knows tomorrow she will make the effort to look as good as she can wind chimes just outside every entrance someones favourite meal for their birthday dinner, made by someone who adores the person more than they adore the meal a spring day, a girl, and her dog Decadence is living in a home free of negativity and worry.  It's allowing life to play out as it will, knowing that things won't always be perfect.  It's being just opposite enough from your mate that there is always something interesting to talk about. ...