MUSINGS

I have had the same vision of my adult life for as long as I can remember.  When I was very young, imagining me in my 20's or so, it was single, white apartment with a pretty cat...simple.  As I grew up and as my taste changed it morphed into a single, travelling woman, with a semi-permanent home in the Arizona desert.  Then I got married and had my little one.  Since then the vision has been the same.  Home, yard, trees, gardens, flowerbeds, pets, me working in the yard creating in the house or just being me.  I've often said I want to be that crazy lady down the street that reads tarot and makes tinctures or who very simply helps those who need it.  I am not a hugely ambition person, no more than anyone else, but I an ambitious enough to make my own way.  I got through Marine Corps bootcamp, 11 years with the same man before he set sail for greener pastures, and I've managed to work in a mans world for the last decade or so and do it well...

I had another one of "those days" at work today.  It wasn't a bad day, but it was an eye opener.  I already know I'm tired of the type of work I do, but the problem is I'm too afraid to make that giant leap to do something totally different.  I live in fear that my business endeavor isn't going to go anywhere.  I do understand that it takes a lot of time and I need to build up a clientele, but I'm impatient I suppose.  I figure, it's been a year I should be somewhat further along than I am.  Perhaps if I look at what I have done...it'll make me not so aware of what I haven't... a.  I have an informational website and a link to a web store with product b.  I actually have product to sell and more to be made c.  I've actually sold a few things d.  I have a few friends who enjoy what I make e.  It is a legal entity....I have a federal ID number I'm going to start including samples with outgoing sales, and hopefully once ev...

It's no secret that I love to be busy.  Normally the weekends wear me out more than the week itself.  This one though, has been nice for some reason.  For a long while I have been mourning my former social life and the fun and revelry that came with having a close knit group of friends.  That of course went to hell in a hand basket shortly after my divorce.  No worries though, life has moved forward and I enjoy having the time to clean at my own pace, not drink myself retarded if I choose not to, and just generally relax..... To relax is not an easy thing for me, it often worries me or makes me feel lazy.  I'm always buzzing around, sort of "on" all the time.  Yes it does get tiring and eventually I crash.  But while I'm buzzing, I'm doing and doing makes me feel necessary.  I like feeling necessary, even if it's something as simple as feeding critters.  I'm feeling a bit super-hero-ish this weekend.  Thanks in part to so...

Ok, all the cool kids are doing it, I might as well "scribble" a few words on Valentine's day myself.  It's been a fair day I suppose, not spectacular, but not bad by any stretch.  My honey isn't in town tonight though, which makes for a lonely holiday.  He did bring a beautiful card and some amazing confections yesterday evening to make up for his absence today.  Work was...well, work.  It's getting harder and harder to enjoy going these days. Work b.s. aside, I reflected a bit on my thoughts and whatnot about this particular day.  This is going to sound a bit mean but as I've said before my faith in love isn't the strongest these days.  I thought about what he said to me when he gave me the gifts, "it wasn't exactly what I wanted to do for you, but it's something".  Yes, and it was a very nice, very appreciated something (the confections are AHmazing!).  The thing is, I'd heard that for years...the well-intentioned, "I...

There have been things recently that have made me think again on my own mortality.  More specifically, my funeral or some such.  Have you ever sat and wondered what would be said about you by whomever is there?  Or even, who would show up?  Simply based on your life up to this point, assume that things will continue down a fairly level path....what would your children, friends, relatives say?  How would they act?  Would anyone be joyful, remorseful, hateful?  How would the Eulogy (or whatever) go? I think about it more and more often as the years pass.  I know one thing, I'm not afraid of it.  I'm too adventurous to be afraid of it, but I am afraid that no one will want to show up and drink a beer in my memory.  I often wonder what stories my child will tell about her mama when she's 20, 30, etc....  Will I be that pain in the ass woman that talked and drank too much and drove too fast and never grew up, or will I be that woman w...